[x]Clarity as an utter detriment.If you are going to press play - "Betrayal" by The Black Marias
I just heard that song this morning. It's weird the way timing works in my life. Today I was working with a non-local crew so I had to drive myself to work. I would have never heard that song had I not been in my truck listening to 89x.
So, after last night... how do I feel this morning? Well in all honesty there is that pang-kick-in-the-stomach feeling of disappointment.
When I woke up this morning I splashed some water in my face to wake up a bit. I looked in the mirror and the sudden realization of the night before hit me. As I looked in my reflection I could feel my heart looking back at me - Shrugging and saying "What the fuck did you think was going to happen?"
Other than that I feel fine. I really thought I was going to feel worse than I do. Actually I had a pretty damn good day. Some kind of backup system kicked in and saw this coming forever ago.
I knew the stakes. The thing is there is no great gain without sacrifice. If I would have won her then it would have been all the better. I lost. No one can say I didn't make an effort, no one can say that I didn't try.
I told her I would stick around until my heart gave out. It gave out yesterday. I saw the speech coming so I just saved her the trouble and said I was moving on.
The best defense is a good offense.
Beth and I hadn't spoken much in the previous week, something partly of my own design. Seeing how much she cared to contact me. She didn't. The few weeks previous hadn't been all that special to say the least. I made a last ditch effort with Valentine's day.
Sparkle and fade.
So of course there was the "Can we still be friends?" thing. Honestly it's a nice gesture but all I could say was "Let's be realistic".
She didn't care to call. My little experiment failed (or succeeded) because she didn't miss me enough to call. To fight for me. To want me in her life. She said she was busy and that's fine... but a phone call takes 2 minutes and she isn't busy 24/7.
It's not even the phone call - it's the effort. She made no effort to show me that I am important to her in any respect, friend or otherwise. It doesn't take much to keep me hanging on... but I need SOMETHING. Every moment I spent with her or talked to her I tried to make her feel special, she just did not feel the need to do so in return. That's just who she is and how things are.
Right now I probably sound pissed, but I don't hate her, I'm not even mad at her.
Don't get me wrong, Beth's wonderful, beautiful, and alot of other things to me. I still am grateful to her for giving me a big chunk of my life back (whether she knows she did or not)
Her asking me if we could still be friends was just kind of a cheap shot. A cop-out. It's something like that - makes you feel like someone needs a clear conscience. Which could be a good thing I suppose.
It's a cop-out because if I say no I don't want to be her friend then I'M the dick. If I say yes then I am doubly screwed - I get to be around her when I have feelings for her and have the torture of not being able to express it. Worse yet, I could be there when she makes the decision to have a relationship, and have it be with someone else. No thanks.
Kind of like having your cake and eating it too.
I know Beth cares about me. I have suspicions that she does even more than she admits to herself. However I can't blame her. Nothing is different on her end than it was 4 months ago. Which is why I cannot blame her for anything. When we started talking she told me upfront that she didn't want a relationship with anyone (with me or whoever else).
are you lying to me
when you say you don't care?
are you lying to yourself?
am i lying to you
when i say i'm not hurt?
am i lying to myself?
So, I officially volunteer to be the bad guy. She did absolutely nothing wrong.
What did I learn this time around? Well besides alot of personal things that will NEVER happen again... I learned that I have absolute clarity when it comes to my emotional being.
And I hate it.
I don't have the luxury of being unsure about anything. I don't have the luxury of a "maybe" or "not sure what I want right now". That would be a lie when I know at every second what I want. I don't have that "out" because I am apparently too open and honest to the ones I care about.
Being alone for this long, all of this introspection and soul-searching has led to an unfortunate byproduct. I know how I feel 100% of the time, every step of the way. Put that together with my other issues and it's recipe for disaster, over and over again. Throw on top of that the absolute hopelessness of being a romantic, mix a little poetry and articulation in. Stir. Add a bit of living for the moment, being a believer in signs, and let simmer for 5 years. Let cool for 4 months, and add a dash of never being able to do anything halfway, and garnish with all or nothing.
I swear to God I saw it in her eyes. I saw it in that split second of her hesitating before kissing me. I saw it in every fucking subtlety. I saw it moment and moment again, adding up to something I was obviously hallucinating.
I still see it and I wish I didn't. The thing is when you care about someone there is always a chance... always. Like I said before... What could be love is just hope in the face of inevitability.
So, to sum it all up: I feel absolutely ruthless right now. I'm not going to paint her as evil, because she isn't. She's great and I still care about her for the time being. Just now begins the hard process of purging feelings for her.