[x]Florida III (obituary PS).If you are going to press play - "Failed" by Joseph Arthur (Our shadows will remain)
Now you're gone, and I don't know why
You removed yourself in the blink of an eye
When the seasons change, all you can do is cry
Now you're gone, and I don't know why
Maybe I failed, maybe I failed
I will admit, I am glad I went. The call was made merely hours before departure... The convincing my argument was my roomate saying "When are you going to get another vacation?"
So my parents, chelz and kevin, and I went. With the 5 of us I was the odd man out.
Which dawned on me on the trip down. An overwhelming wave of loneliness hit me pretty square and pretty quick. When I finally got my mp3 player working (damn bios reset) I just started zoning out into the music (Mr. Brightside again by The Killers)... Never really lost conciousness, and before leaving at 3 am I didn't sleep. At about 36 hours of being awake... The hallucination cleared and it came to me.
I really miss Beth
The last time the two of us really talked was before valentine's day in Feb. I had said maybe 2 things to her between that and St. Patty's, where I went out with everyone and said maybe 3 things to her before bailing home.
So I talked to her on AIM on my phone, and sent her some text messages... Nothing really happened (she didn't like what I wrote about her) but I was in contact with her again and happy.
When we finally settled in the condo, after a day or so I was just feeling kind of empty. Kind of like a black hole in the pit of my stomach. Not sure if it was my mom having my dad or chelz having kevin... Just felt kind of detached. All I could do was try and shove that way down inside as usual. I just couldn't get my mind off of her... I would have given anything to have her there...
I really miss Beth, and I think I love her.
When I admitted that to myself, it just kind of tore me up inside. I promised myself I wouldn't ever repeat the same mistake I made again... Falling for someone in an impossible situation. Love is hope in the face of inevitability I always say... and soon enough inevitability came crashing home.
As I pondered the similarity to what happened with Kelly waiting in line for a ride, I decided to call her (Kelly). With no answer I left a voicemail, but ended up calling her later that night and talking for a bit. Everything ended so abruptly with her, and I got the closure I wanted... Even if we never talk again (i doubt we will) I think the air was cleared and there are no hard feelings anymore.
The last night at the condo I picked up my book and wrote 8 poems with not much of a break in between. Now that might not seem like much, but my normal level of inspiration leads me to 2 or 3 over the course of a month.
The following day we were staying with some of my mom's friends and I once again picked up the book and wrote another 9. I had internet access on a laptop there, and ended up talking to Beth for a decent amount of time.
I just wanted things to go back to the way they were around New Year's. I wanted to be friends again like that instead of the awkwardness we have had since it all fell apart... I told her that...
... No one can ever accuse Beth of leading me on. Any hope of rekindling that was dashed pretty much immediately, for the sake of her friendship with my sister (her words, not mine).
So this is where that leaves me. It's a few days later and I have been putting off writing this since I got back.
The conversation ended on a somewhat positive level. Closure was there to be had, and at this point I doubt we will ever speak again on any significant level. Anything said will probably just be the polite hellos and goodbyes that any illusion of friendship would require. All of this makes me really sad, and my poor heart feels like it's carrying around sandbags. :(
On the other hand, the way I feel doesn't make a difference to her anyway. Now I see it never would have. It's not that she's a bad person or anything, she just had her heart set on not giving it away at that time... What really gets to me is how much hope I had for something that was obviously dead in the water before it even got started.
Timing. Story of my life.
I think my heart needs a CATSCAN, because it's fucking crazy the way everything turns out.
It is such a weird feeling, all of the things I am feeling now being such an afterthought.