lost and then found
i shrug all anchors and cast off
shed the pain and shackles
gained the confusion
of wondering why
i cannot function without disfunction.

I beat it. I don't know how or why. There was no single incident, there was nothing that stands out, no breaking point.

I beat depression. No drugs. No therapy.

Five years and I can finally breathe. I can life no longer wondering why I am alive. No longer feeling as though I have this huge weight on my heart.

How did I do it? Faith. Not religious faith. Just faith.

I cut myself loose from so much. I fought for every inch. This rollercoaster ride for so long. Wavering so many times. Standing up, falling to my knees.

I had to take myself out of the negativity of the life I used to lead. Stability was my saving grace. My family, my friends. The rest happened out of sheer will.

Odd feeling to love my family and friends so much, yet to feel indifferent about my own life. Only to feel in a vicarious fashion. Feeling happiness only from giving happiness, and the same with love.

This is no miracle. I am still human and flawed. Still lonely. However I am not consumed by my hate anymore. My spite.

I look back at this entry and it probably will make no sense to anyone. Articulate and expressive as I am - I am having a problem putting this all into words.

Which is where I have been this past month. I hope I can get some of it down soon...

I just don't know where to go from here.

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