[x]About goddamn time.Song of the moment - "untitled" by Interpol (Track 1 Bright Lights)
I want to change. The reason I haven't said anything significant since April wasn't so much because nothing was really going on - (although nothing really happened externally) - it was because I really needed to figure out what the fuck was wrong with me.
When did I become so weak? I guess enough time has gone by where I can lose this haze. This emotionally medicated life. They say hindsight is 20/20 and I can see now:
Kelly was a waste of fucking time. Beth was an EXTREME waste of my fucking time.
Since when does the bronto settle for a maybe? Since when does the possibility of a relationship justify delusions of romantic grandeur? FFS both of my unfortunately long-lived attachments and obsessions were purely fictional. The irony is that I cannot blame them. It was me, it was what I wanted more than anything that produced these self-brainwashing lies...
Never again. I need to change. I need to make things more cut and dry with who I am seeing. Because there is nothing between the lines, there never was.
My life has spiraled out of control since Sarah left. Anyone who knows me and knew me at that time - can probably look back and see how I've gotten here.
It has been a slow process, I will admit. Burying yourself under a rock for such a long time, then digging yourself out... I remember it so well, but it still feels like it happened to someone else. Everything with Sarah, then the fallout with Madonna afterwards... I guess I was asking for it stacking two serious relationships back to back... I had to pull myself out of the game in order to survive.
It feels like a story, and that main character lived past the day that Sarah left, when in reality he died.
I died that day she left. I realize it now, what I have been doing since is trying to find any way back to feel alive again. The people I have dealt with, the beds I have been in... All of the fucked up things I have done...
All of my dreams, all of the things I have believed in up to and since that point... it's all over.
I let her go and she never came back, as much as I have begged and prayed and looked for her in other girls... she never came back. It wasn't meant to be.
As sad as it makes me, and as much as it hurts - the John that watched that door shut and drove away... It's time to let that person die.
People have come and gone, and alot of things have happened, but emotionally I have been stuck in the same place she left me. It is surreal to feel the present snap back into the past. And now I see it - life has moved on without me...
That dream is dead and has been so for a long time. At least in the past few years I have stabilized the rest of my life (Family, Job, living in the R.O., etc.) - just a little bit more effort to get rid of some debt and figure out where I am going to go from here. I'm 26 and I feel like I am 20, as though I have missed out on so much.
What I believed in was beautiful. Although that will always be a part of me, it is time to bury it in the graveyard that has become my heart. Things are always better in memory than they actually are... That was the heaven I have dealt with over the past 7 years. My inner solace. My novacaine.
All of it has made me a weak person... No more. I will never let someone walk all over me like I have these girls. No fucking way.
I have learned SO much being so lonely, but that lesson needs to end. I need a relationship that is 50/50, give and take. Not this 10/90 shit I have endured. Fuck all that noise. I am never going to love someone until they deserve it, and above all -
...until they love me back.