8.24.2005

[x]About goddamn time.

Song of the moment - "untitled" by Interpol (Track 1 Bright Lights)

I want to change. The reason I haven't said anything significant since April wasn't so much because nothing was really going on - (although nothing really happened externally) - it was because I really needed to figure out what the fuck was wrong with me.

When did I become so weak? I guess enough time has gone by where I can lose this haze. This emotionally medicated life. They say hindsight is 20/20 and I can see now:

Kelly was a waste of fucking time. Beth was an EXTREME waste of my fucking time.

Since when does the bronto settle for a maybe? Since when does the possibility of a relationship justify delusions of romantic grandeur? FFS both of my unfortunately long-lived attachments and obsessions were purely fictional. The irony is that I cannot blame them. It was me, it was what I wanted more than anything that produced these self-brainwashing lies...

Never again. I need to change. I need to make things more cut and dry with who I am seeing. Because there is nothing between the lines, there never was.

My life has spiraled out of control since Sarah left. Anyone who knows me and knew me at that time - can probably look back and see how I've gotten here.

It has been a slow process, I will admit. Burying yourself under a rock for such a long time, then digging yourself out... I remember it so well, but it still feels like it happened to someone else. Everything with Sarah, then the fallout with Madonna afterwards... I guess I was asking for it stacking two serious relationships back to back... I had to pull myself out of the game in order to survive.

It feels like a story, and that main character lived past the day that Sarah left, when in reality he died.

I died that day she left. I realize it now, what I have been doing since is trying to find any way back to feel alive again. The people I have dealt with, the beds I have been in... All of the fucked up things I have done...

All of my dreams, all of the things I have believed in up to and since that point... it's all over.

I let her go and she never came back, as much as I have begged and prayed and looked for her in other girls... she never came back. It wasn't meant to be.

As sad as it makes me, and as much as it hurts - the John that watched that door shut and drove away... It's time to let that person die.

People have come and gone, and alot of things have happened, but emotionally I have been stuck in the same place she left me. It is surreal to feel the present snap back into the past. And now I see it - life has moved on without me...

That dream is dead and has been so for a long time. At least in the past few years I have stabilized the rest of my life (Family, Job, living in the R.O., etc.) - just a little bit more effort to get rid of some debt and figure out where I am going to go from here. I'm 26 and I feel like I am 20, as though I have missed out on so much.

What I believed in was beautiful. Although that will always be a part of me, it is time to bury it in the graveyard that has become my heart. Things are always better in memory than they actually are... That was the heaven I have dealt with over the past 7 years. My inner solace. My novacaine.

All of it has made me a weak person... No more. I will never let someone walk all over me like I have these girls. No fucking way.

I have learned SO much being so lonely, but that lesson needs to end. I need a relationship that is 50/50, give and take. Not this 10/90 shit I have endured. Fuck all that noise. I am never going to love someone until they deserve it, and above all -

...until they love me back.

4 comments:

  1. Anonymous10:52 PM

    WOW! You sound older than your years! To have gone through what you describe you have to be much stronger then you give yourself credit for ....so grab them bootstraps, saddle up and get back out there, it won't be easy..I know...I am kinda where you are, it hurts, life hurts....Life is...how is the song goes..."HARD AT BEST" I think that fairly well sums it up. BUT Don't give up on love or life, You have a long way to go, and for all the pain their has to be some gain somewhere...btw...unusual site...and if its ok...I might drop by again sometime....it is very interesting!

    Destini ... funny thing......

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  2. :) thx for coming by!

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  3. John no disrespect but Sarah left 9 years ago. Seriously dude. You should find something else to blame your current situation on ... blaming your life on ex-gf's from HS makes you sound, well, silly to put it nicely. I don't mean to talk down to you but reading this post made me feel extremely weirded-out by the fact that you're reaching 9 years into the past to come up with a reason why your life sucks. Your life doesn't suck. The suck is with you because you keep drudging up a past that for all intents and purposes means absolutely nothing in your life, ie, ex HS gfs. Your old HS gfs cannot be blamed for you working at your job, not finishing school, not owning a house, etc. You sound like Brett.

    --Paul

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  4. Anonymous12:05 AM

    Well in all fairness sometimes we do have to reach back to the past to figure out how we got where we are today, and maybe its possible that he is just hashing out feelings and realizes that his heartbreak over Sarah leaving lead him down a path that he now wishes he hadn't taken?? Could be..... and not really odd at all to realize that the past roads traveled is how we got where we are today and from the the turns we make at the crossroads is how we decided the paths that we will take tomorrow! The important thing is to make the right choice at the crossroads and move forward.

    Destini.....a funny thing

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