[x]control as a defense mechanism.I turn 28 unofficially in just under 2 hours (not sure what hour I was born in) - I wonder when I will actually start feeling old.
I haven't really posted anything serious in a while. It's not as if my life has gotten dull or anything - I've just been at a loss at how to explain what I am going through.
Alot of time has been spent here talking about what people "did to me" and how that has turned me into who I am today. Most of the time I looked at all of it as some kind of evolution. Growing into a stronger person.
Right now I am looking at what I have written and I know what comes next, I really do. I just don't want to say it. Because if I admit it I can't use it as an excuse anymore.
It's never what people do to you, it's what you let happen.
I've really made an effort to stop leaving things to whims and chances. Fate is such a romantic concept - which I believe in. It's just hard sometimes when you put your faith in something that never comes to fruition.
So, I've tried to be cold. I've tried to be the bad guy and asshole. I will admit, it's empowering. Confidence was something I haven't had in forever.
In my last relationship, I felt like I was in the driver's seat the entire time. There is this theory I have put together about relationships - someone always has the power over the other... Previously the women in my life had the power over me - mostly because I let them have it.
To her, I was hot and cold at will. It's a dangerous game to play if you try to control your emotions at all times. At some points it seemed like I was so far away even when she was right there - and I was screaming at myself to stop being so inhuman. We both had our faults, which we took out on eachother... Due to recent events I have disregarded her into irrelevance save one thing - it taught me an important lesson.
It wasn't her breaking up with me, it was me letting the relationship die. I didn't at any point give it a chance. Preferred to keep it restricted to what it was - convenience.
That's a horrible thing to say. Which is my point. All of that false confidence I told myself I had attained - it was all empty and false.
I can write about living in a castle, having armor around my soul, barb wire around my heart - The realization was that I put it there. Because growing up isn't about evolving - it's about finding out who you truly are.
At one point I realized there are no forks in the road, just one path that I was meant to walk. So there's really no point in worrying about the past, because some of those roads just ended up close and detoured, whereas others I just never got on.
Some people's paths cross over another persons. Due to recent events, it has also occurred to me that sometimes those roads you thought were long gone run right back into yours. These things happen.
The tricks is not to lament the moments that are gone, but to see them coming and snatch them right out of the air. You have to take what's in front of you.
Sometimes you just have to kiss the girl.
Lately I have been much better with everything. I'm confident, because there isn't a reason not to be. There is even a bit of ego too.
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