Faith, gone from your eyes

"If you can't spot the sucker in your first half hour at the table, then you are the sucker." - Rounders

If you are going to press play - "Easy way to cry" by David Gray
And as I watch you leave I stand
Inside my house of straw
And everywhere I go I find
Things recollecting to my mind
...How right it all could be

What the hell am I doing to myself these days? Why do I subject myself to this off and on, hot and cold connections to the people I care about?

Things have once again cooled off considerably between Kelly and I. Now I am beginning to think I am the only one who was seeing something that wasn't there. I mean, I know that she cares about me, but I am stuck in the middle. She isn't going to dump her boyfriend, regardless.

Even if she did, she has told me that she doesn't want the type of relationship that she thinks I expect from her. I don't expect anything other giving me a shot. If I'm not going to get a shot then should I just call it where it is? Should I just accept this friendship and tell my heart to stop looking ahead?

Just the way things are I am starting to think we resent eachother. That unspoken frustration of treading water. Nothing is going to happen but I can't help thinking about kissing her. What did that mean if neither of us regret it? I guess I have realized that while there may be a grey area, it eventually fades one way or the other... To black, or to white. That is a fact.

All of the alarms are going off within me. Telling me that I am not in love. I have been conditioned to associate love with disappointment, rejection, failure, vulnerability, and pain.

Is this any different?

The only person I can blame is myself. I see and feel things that in hindsight obviously were never there in the first place. I have gotten better at it over the years, but I still see too much potential, and in that contrast I set unrealistic expectations. I breadcrumb myself, and when someone actually gives me reason to believe that something may happen, the sky is falling.

I'm a hypocrite in this fashion. I tell Margarita all the time that a girl being the least bit nice to a guy makes them think that they are interested.

Look at me now.

The things that we talk about... That intimacy of conversation that makes you feel special. Those areas of a "friendship" that makes you feel everything but. The place that you carve out for the two of you, that canvas that differentiates "us" from "them".

What frustrates me the most is that I know for a fact that she cares about me in a way that is not a "friendship". However I don't know what the missing puzzle pieces are, let alone how to find them. I guess those are all in her court, and I don't think any of those obstacles are going to be overcome anytime soon.

So, I don't know what to do anymore.

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