[x]Seasonal Unaffective Disorder.

in quiet moments i can close my eyes
and be standing in the snow
i can open them and see my breath before me
and feel the cold on my face
in the visions there is no sound
until the 85 and partly cloudy snaps me out of it
this seems to be the opposite
of season affective disorder
because the unexceptional weather leaves me unaffected
every day is almost exactly the same
at the very least in the sunshine
i can't feel myself dying anymore like i used to
i just can't feel myself living either
yet every once in a while
we get those rare grey days
every time it's overcast it's like god's trying to relate
and i like to think that maybe i did this
and i'll stand in the rain like an idiot
when there's nothing but sunshine
it's easy to get homesick in the contrast

[x]greener grass.

One by one they came and went
in these elimination rounds
tonight history is being re-written yet again
when the could have been
become never were's
we agree to meet
and when she show's up
of course she's as beautiful as could be
i hop the fence to get there
and we dance barefoot
in the greener grass
until i am good and dizzy
but after the room stops spinning
everything's the same
and it almost makes me sad
to realize how much i've changed
when i can't bring myself to tell her
"Say the word, and this could be home"

[x]decade.

will this wander/lust of mine ever be sated?
a hobby of mine
seems to be digging
through the skeleton closets of my past
oh what fun
i don't know what i'm looking for
but it has got to be here somewhere
i find a box marked zero zeroes
and blow off the dust
yet stop short from opening it
with a foreboding sense of hurt
there was pain in there
when i closed it last
has the statue of limitations expired
or has it accrued interest?
i open it...
we were kids, we weren't ready
i keep telling myself
chalking this up to adolescence -
doesn't change any of these scars, though
all i know
is that they led to many more
as i tried to find a substitution
everything since she left
just a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy
seems all i can find
is diluted versions of her...
how do i reconcile this last decade
when she finally picks up the phone
and starts finishing my sentences?

[x]strewn.

depending on who you ask
this mess behind me
could be the wreckage of a crash
or the debris from an explosion
here at the bottom
there's nowhere left to fall
so all i have left is to move forward
there is no going back
yet that doesn't stop me from trying-
every step back
just ends up cutting my feet
so I stop moving altogether
to appreciate the beautiful mess i've made
this mosaic of everything
strewn about
i'm standing still
pondering if i can keep up
if i'm healing faster than i'm breaking
or just too stupid to realize that i'm still crashing

[x]37,000 feet and stuck.

I leave in the light
and return in the dark
she said she'd follow me there
and yet she's not here anymore
and i'm not there
between points a and b
are two homes
all of a sudden
I'm at 37,000 feet
and stuck in the middle
I can't identify myself
knowing that i am two different people
in either location
as if these two halves
of all of my strengths and weaknesses
cancelling each other out
it doesn't make any sense to say
but in between both of these lives
I am none in the same.

[x]1160.

to say you always want what you can't have the most
would be a cliche of vast understatement
the fact that i can't have her right now
makes me love her even more in absence
realizing that none of this means anything at all
if she's not there to share it with me-
so this is me fighting to get back home
my heart is where you are
if you only could see the subtitles of these conversations
it would betray me over and over again
the very words of this
are my letters of intent to return
in my absolute impatience
it's hard for someone like me
to accept that the stars are going to have to align
to light our way back to one another
i'm not asking you to wait for me, either
but i think we can both agree it's a nice thought...
until then
i will be forever wounded in her compliment

[x]99% gamble.

here i am
telling anyone that will listen about my new masterpiece
i try to sell it before the brush has even touched the canvas
i have to stop wanting something so beautiful
so much that it manifests itself to me before it's even real
trying to believe
with every bit of my charlatan heart
that a 1% chance
will be 99% that much more worth it
here we go again...
so come one, come all
come see my delusions of grandeur
that lead me to nothing but recluse abandon
where i never worry about her scenery
none of that matters when i'm infatuated
this grand scheme of wanting it enough
enough for the both of us
i'm too busy painting us by numbers
i can't be bothered with... details...
when all i'm trying to do
is fill in the blanks

[x]the attention she commands.

come back to me, baby, when you're about to break
oh, i understand the attraction
not many people get to my age so unscathed
my soul is not bitter nor shattered
as so many others that have fallen or settled
i watch them every time
as they fall in love
with the complexity, the measured eloquence of every statement
so look in my eyes
and find solace in the rogue again
just make sure that you deserve me
because i'm not settling for anything less
than an epic love
if you're going to be with me
then be ready to take on the world
because i will not be contained
or collected, or possessed, or bought, or sold
as so many of your predecessors have tried to do
they never learned the one lesson
that i have to teach
if you're going to try and love me
then buckle up, sugar
and hold on as tight as you can
don't you dare let go if you're that lucky
for me to actually love you back
because the one thing you need to know about the woman i love
is that she is only as good as the attention she commands

[x]press release.

my hand has finally been forced -
i will no longer be overtaken
by simple proximity
because the end never justified the means
i have settled for way to long
this is the line i had to draw
when made to suffer doubt one too many times
this is directed at you
my future will no longer be limited by your pasts
because i am better than that
i had to be reminded
of who and what is actually worth pining for
what i once thought superwomen
is nothing when measured against the standard
that i actually remembered to pack this time
i haven't been me in forever
the way i stuck myself in your empty spaces
and calling myself defined
by whatever would fit in your mad libs template

[x]running the gambit.

things have come full circle so many times
that i'm dizzy
i must have gotten turned around -
trying to find my way back to where i belong
though all of the characters beckon
and call home something different
right now i don't know if i am existing
in the prologue or epilogue of my life
all i know is this main character
is capable of both heroism and villainy
i am the pro-antagonist if there is such a thing
so, in my heart's metaphoric reality
please don't fault me for pressing advantage
as i run this gambit
daring myself with every passing day
how many of these plot threads can i maintain
until they weave themselves into a life line
or fashion itself into a noose?