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This wasn't a sex dream

She was sitting up on my bed, close to me. I can see my face but hers is turned away. She has long dark hair, and is wearing nothing but a bra. I run my hands down her back in slow strokes, exploring her body while kissing her. I repeat the movements of my hands, as if asking for permission to touch her. Gradually as they gain confidence, my hands run slowly behind her bra, and gain no resistance from her...

Then my alarm clock goes off. ARGH.

This was a short dream that I had the other night. I don't really ever dream and remember it. This girl in the dream... I don't know who she is. She isn't anyone I currently know.

This wasn't a sex dream. As far as I can tell I have had only one of those... It was the fall after Madonna left me, and it was a fairly vivid dream about her.

This dream was more about the feeling of it all. That awkward stage in a relationship where you are getting to know someone on a physical level. The slowness of a it all... The delicate process of breaking the barrier of intimacy. You cannot really say "Hey! Can it touch your (insert body part here)"... So, you have to express that in a physical way. Asking permission with your hands... No words involved, just senses, just FEELING.

I don't have a photographic memory... but my senses have a memory of their own in a way. I can remember what it felt like to touch someone, how their body felt. How they smelled. Sometimes even more clearly than I can remember what they looked like (the lines blur over time).

You can only know someone so much by talking to them... the rest is in the sense of touch. How someone really FEELS in your arms can tell you more than words ever could.

What is my subconcious trying to tell me?

Perhaps it has something to do with the emotional floodgates opening on me. In being honest with some people, it has forced me to be honest to myself. There are many things that I haven't dealt with in a long time since I shut myself off from the world.

It's making me crazy.

Right now I am emotionally unstable, as it has been so long. What I want to do the most this year is clear up my life, and that includes resolving issues with people, like Margarita... and new issues like Kelly. Dealing with them as they come up, instead of burying them. I cleaned out the skeletons in my closet last year... It has made me a more open person by far.

The thing is, it is nice to feel again. Care about people. It's never as though I stopped loving my family... it's just that I had to cut myself off from the possibility of being hurt by... well... women. You can only have so many disasters and disappointments before you raise a hand and say "ENOUGH".

No more of that. Having an unflinching ability to shed emotion is a double edged sword. No one gets out, no one gets in. It is an airtight way of living... and treading water.

I am ready to move forward in my life. I'm ready to get out there and open myself up to the possiblity of being hurt. The reward is worth the risk by far. I want to be vulnerable again.

I want to breathe and feel free.