[x]A trivial pursuit.

Full circle
where I am overburdened with faith
Unsure of where it comes from
how I have it
and no idea where to spend it
The world and everyone in it against me
to stone the only one who is sure.

My life is my life, and I make no excuses for it. I try not to regret too much anymore. I am not a religious person by any means, but I do like this saying:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Someday I will get into what I do believe in greater detail.

Events happen in my life. To me, they mean the world. To some degree we all have our own delusions to make our lives seem like so much more. We have our own fairy tales. Our own angels, our own demons...

As epic and beautiful things can be, as disastrous and desperate - it is how I perceive what transpires. My outlook. Whatever I write here, you as the reader may even relate to, but will never truly understand. I try to be honest here, as honest as I can let myself be.

However, regardless of my own little world - I am aware there is the REAL world out there. Call it sugarcoating my life so it's easier to take, easier to swallow. I am only myself, but would assume most people make their lives out to be more than they are.

My life is ME and the real world is everyone else. Yeah, it does sound kind of weird to spell it out like that. Our delusions are our way of coping when both worlds have to co-exist. It is religion being the opiate for the masses (Karl Marx) or love being the opiate for life (me). It is how we deal, plain and simple. What is in your head and heart is where you go to escape our mostly dull everyday lives.

The thing is, as "important" as things seem to me when they happen, however significant - We are anchored by reality. Being heartbroken in my mind foremost my concern - even though I am aware of the events transpiring in the world... Is it a proximity thing? My soul hurts as it is the closest thing to me. People all over are dying and suffering in different ways. Starvation, famine, disease, war, earthquakes, floods, tsunamis, cancer, AIDS, etc. etc. etc.

Those seem so far away - even though I can feel it in the air sometimes, which pains me. Does my heartache being more important to me make me selfish? Or are we so numb that we just take the world suffering for granted? Is our own realities an escape to not dwell on everyone else and their problems?

We need respite so we do not dwell. God help us all if it ever set in how bleak the world can be. If we ever accepted that. The illusions of grandeur we all experience - It is our emotional and spiritual defense mechanism.

What we see on TV and read on the internet or in the paper - those so far away might as well be on another planet. Another galaxy.

My point is... When the suffering hit close to home - I can't really say for anyone else... It just makes my problems seem trivial. That is the only gauge I ever get, when my dreams are dashed, my beautiful and tragic world finally seem as dull as the very existence we all try to escape from.

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