[x]Just for the record.Relevant - "Lucky Man" by the Verve
The other night I emailed Jessica (I had deleted her phone number previously) and said that I needed to talk to her. About an hour or so later she called...
So why did I feel the need to talk to her? Like I have disclosed here a few entries ago, I did miss her. The past week leading up to a few nights ago, I guess it had come to the forefront. Some kind of obsession to know if she felt the same in our lack of contact.
To make this short story even shorter, I was immediately stonewalled when we talked. It seemed even before our first exchange, before her first breath she was on the offensive. "Take care of yourself, sugar" I said, and that was it.
I suppose I was mistaken to think I had left a lasting impression on her, or what we shared would stay with her. To wonder if she was thinking about what happened. As I said earlier maybe it was part of my ego to assume I meant something to her, or that she should miss me.
She doesn't miss me, and it became immediately apparent. It was almost shocking. Much like the last phone conversation in afterthought, we were talking even though there was nothing left to say. When I did reveal what I wanted to say that I did miss her, it was a weakened gesture due to the realization that I had, in fact, made a unnecessary mistake. It's unfortunate to realize I was the one with the inability to let things lay.
So, that is that. I will say I am more disappointed than hurt, although even less and less on both counts the more I think about it. I am done pining for situations where I am not wanted.
What was I thinking? I can't really explain it but I felt compelled. Now with some time and space between the phone call - Do I long for companionship, or did I really miss her?