[x]unsaid.I suppose when I write here, the strength of what I want to say comes and goes. Same thing when I write my poems. To anyone else really they are all the same thing, me trying to paint a picture in someone else's mind. This is where I will state that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Sometime's I'm on, sometimes I'm less on.
The more I take a leap of faith in trying to express myself, the deeper I go - The more I try to unburden myself... Those admissions make anything I say less familiar territory. Those admissions can lead to acceptance, which can be dangerous emotionally and physically. I guess it works both ways, good and bad.
Confused yet? If so then my point has been made.
There are a few rare instances where I have addressed someone in particular here. I have called out a few people both in retaliation and whim (to some personal regret) - however most of the time I allude or talk over my aim. Most of the time when I write it is in code or symbols... something that only the intended could decipher.
So where have I been this last month? I have written a few times over some unimportant topics, for the sake of putting something down. To give those who subscribe to my life something to gauge the pulse of my being. Yes, I am still here, and for those of you at home keeping score - something IS up.
Jessica and I broke up the last day of April (30th). We then broke contact a little over a month ago (June 19th). I will state the dates for my own record.
Here is where the intended kicks in. Either it be my ego or your curiousity that would make me believe you are going to read this - I guess where I am now is still in shock. You left me stunned, the condition I have endured since. Distraction both material and work-related have sufficed until the last few days.
Sometimes I have heard of or read about relationships in the sense of a "Whirlwind" and I really am struggling to find another term for my time with you (while trying to avoid negative terms like "Disaster" or "Controlled descent")
I'm still hurt. It took a lot of thinking to decide either it be not getting the last word in (respecting your wishes) or just plain longing. I let everything fall where it may. I guess in a way this is how it supposed to be, how then do I chastise myself for not fighting harder? Was it fate that stayed my hand when I just let you walk away? Did that acceptance lead to immediate defeat? Why did I just let it happen?
I won't lie - I think about you all the time. Yes, I do miss you on many levels... Once again call it my ego but I know I am on your mind. I have been off balance this past month, I'm not sure what is holding me together... or how long that will last. Just because I keep myself distracted most of the day doesn't mean I don't catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Perhaps a passing thought when I am alone trying to sleep in my and there is no where to run. Do you share these thoughts?
At this point I suppose what was unsaid and eating away at me has been admitted. There is regret, for what I have now realized in your absence.
This admission hurts more than anything, and whether it serves a purpose with us or not... Some words just need to be said.