[x]2006+1 = 2007 (I know you love this).2006 Year In Review -
Relevant - "Grey Room" by Damien Rice (you can hear it here, disregard the video... kate is hot.)
Lyrics here - they really fit... My favorite line is...
If I squeeze my grape, and I drink my wine...
Preface - Snippets in the following YIR months don't really do this last year justice. I wrote it a week or so ago, and it doesn't really capture the feeling of what I have gone through in this last year. 2006 was a huge year for me, hopefully the following few paragraphs can relate the gravity of it all...
I started off 2006 fairly unsure of any direction. The site went down for a while, just long enough for me to realize that I need to write. Not only that, I need to share it. I really looked around and felt blessed for having the ability to express myself, which I used to think made me weak. Everyone else just seems so bottled up most of the time, whereas I have found that I am calm. I have stopped carrying my baggage around with me - you are reading it.
The next thing I remember was the blowout, which found me not speaking to Margarita, while embarking on my first real relationship in a long time... I met Jessica there, courted her afterwards. It was nice, if even for a short time, to be completely smitten with someone. I truly was with her. The beauty of having someone shed light on how ugly I had become on the inside, and a certain clarity ensued. I was of two minds at that point - the hopeless romantic on one hand, and the hurt, bitter soul on the other. As much as I wanted to, I couldn't quite lose myself in her. I speak only of myself in this matter, as I think she had some of her own issues to sort out. What resulted was the gravity of reality, crushing me in a short lived fashion. It's unfortunate.
There's so much more, but it's a blur...
After she was gone I found myself in a tailspin of doubt. Once again I couldn't understand why something that was so perfect went so sour so quickly. When that leveled off I found myself, for the first time since I can remember, if ever - in complete control of myself.
I realized, that it's not really them hurting me, it has always been me letting myself get hurt. Which is dangerous to think, and left me in a dark and sinister place. I was in control, I was invincible, I was inspired.
Margarita and I patched things up, as is the pattern it seems... The new twist being fairly brutal honesty. The man who would be devious, and his syren - we are quite the pair. We seem content with our roles in this friendship which carries us into the present day...
So, there I was. The only thing I needed was a leap of faith to shake the stars back into my eyes.
It happened - twofold. First when I completely gushed to Joseph Arthur. Maybe it's cliche, but when I saw him this last time, something snapped in me, I actually wanted to let some light in for once. It's really hard to explain, but there is a certain peace my soul has lacked for the better part of a decade now, and the only real reason I didn't have it is because I wouldn't LET myself have it. As if this entire time I was punishing myself for something... When it finally hit me - I let go. It was very empowering.
Second was when I went out with someone from my "distant" past. In one night, hell in the span of a few hours... I found I couldn't lie to her, I couldn't be devious or sinister... I couldn't wear any mask around her. The conversation took me back to a much simpler time, in her terms... Really the most appropriate. She really set me on fire, and that inspiration has burned through me since.
That is what I will carry into next year...
January - www.deadpixel.org goes on a short hiatus, the man gets me, ipod shuffle is awesome, MUNICH is one of the best films I have seen.
February - the new world, Scarlett and Kiera on vanity fair cover nekkid! past souls catch up with me... S.P.A. year 6, the grace.
March - blowout! meet Jessica, speeding ticket + chelz wedding! smitten, peaches. I have a gf!
April - Vegas, Baby. Paul + Rachel wedding, I realize I'm devious. Silent hill. Still have a gf! omg. I realize I can dodge bullets. Jessica and I break up (no more gf). 2 months!
May - Wilford Brimley kicks off ballgag reviews. Ballgag reviews immediately closes.
June - 666 day, I get a new car (silver fusion named damien), indifference. Bronto starts to wise up.
July - I'm invincible. I fall in love with FIREFLY (and Inara on the show). Officially Ikea boy now. Doubt sets in and I call her (set aside invincibility for a moment) - stonewall knocks some sense into me. Damn you clerks 2 and Rosario Dawson making my mind wander. I take my first step out of the darkness.
August - 6 year anniversary for the site, Damien gets a booboo. Project morningstar opens.
September - life is made up of moments, 250 dvds! 9.11 again :(... my desk gets ikearized. she wants revenge is awesome live, i dub a certain girl "syren" - artistic frustration.
October - Blind date @ fishbones. Joseph Arthur hugs me after his AWESOME show (and after I gush like a little girl), Annie Stela is wonderful. I stand up on my own two feet. Tigers kick ass :) up until the world series :( Crazy bitch becomes a favorite song of mine. Dr. McBronto costume.
November - This monster gets set on fire by a certain lady from a "Simpler" time. I take off a mask or two and realize I have my own skin. I'm inspired by a muse who was waiting backstage. I'm fucking awesome. Turn 28, thxgiving too. 10 year reunion which I actually enjoy. Time capsule was brilliant. WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII Deals are struck! Exchanges are made!
December - More WIIIIII. I own tennis. I forgot I hate console games. Zelda gets put on ebay. Xmas is great. Shop, shop, and more shop. 350+ dvds
How did I do on last year's resolutions? (I looked, didn't really post resolutions for last year... whoops, lets see how the 2005 resolutions apply to last year)
1. Be healthier - I really meant to be healthier physically. Lose weight, eat better, exercise. Well, to be honest it didn't happen. I'm pretty much where I was last year :(... however I think #2 was more important.
2. Find peace - I had my "You'll never sink this boat" episode a very long time ago. My soul is much more at ease than it has been in a VERY long time. I'm much more comfortable in what I believe in.
3. Be happy - Happy as I can be. Happy, but never content. I don't think I will ever be.
4. Be a good Son/Brother/Uncle/Grandson - Still living in Royal Oak, which makes it hard sometimes. For a stretch there I pretty much fell off the map, not sure why. What I do know, is that I have the best family, ever.
5. Do NOT let WoW ruin my life - Haven't really played much in months... Expansion is coming out in a few weeks though... Going to try to maintain this time around.
6. Write more journal/poetry - I suppose not having to write constantly is a good thing. There were a few sparks of inspiration here and there... Must be the effect certain people have on me.
Anyways - RESOLUTIONS FOR 2007
1. Be healthier PHYSICALLY - I'm not getting any younger. I really want to make a serious effort to lose some weight, and eat better. I am planning on giving up pop again and switching to water (mmmm), also I want to starting making food instead of eating out all the time. I am pretty burned out on junk food. In the spring I am going to try and walk a bit or jog... The WII is a good workout too. Really looking to be thin(ner/ish) by 2007.
2. Wrap up soul searching - Now that the ship is heading on a somewhat straight path, decisions have to be made in regards to my future. I like my job, but for some reason I feel like there is something else out there.
3. Be there for my family - I probably missed a lot of things I should have gone to, which I am sorry for. Hopefully this year will be better.
4. Pay off EVERYTHING - still have a bill or two to pay off, really need to get that done so I can shore up my credit and start looking for my own place...
5. Let the dead lay - I said my farewells, and buried my dead. Some things are gone and gone forever. It might sound weird to say it like that, but it's really the only terms in which I can identify with it. I faced the skeletons in my closet, and the ghosts than haunt me. I am a stronger person for it. You can't hold onto everyone, so sometimes you just have to say goodbye.
6. Be me - I picked up a little bit of an ego this year, because I realized that I am truly awesome. I make everything around me better, and everyone I know is better off for having known me. I just need to make the rest of the world know that.
7. Find someone - I don't want to watch the ball drop alone next year :)
Looking forward to next year - My NEW NEPHEW DAVID!, Chaotic Evil WoW guild, 300 is going to be the best movie ever. Getting Joe back. Blowout for the 3rd year. Keeping up the exchange :)
So here I come 2007 - kicking in the door, guns blazing...
End note - There are no things above love and peace.
Post a Comment