[x]Monarch after.

You know, I struggle when I force myself to write. This is one of the occasions. For example, I have re-written the title of this entry at least 10 times, but even in my extensive vocabulary I can't find a word or a combination of words to describe what I feel like. Over the past 9 years, the vast majority of entries have been an outlet and written as needed. I don't sit here and write for the sake of writing.

When I do write, most of it is legible and understandable on the surface level for you. However, most of it is encoded in metaphors and special meanings that my intended viewer is supposed to understand. Especially in my poetry. You may read it and think "Oh, that's nice" or "I wonder what that means". However, for those special few who have been on the same page with me at the time of admission - well I would hope that they get it.

I've admitted so much, in all of that. Love, hate, victory, loss, loneliness, depression, addiction, pain, lust, good, evil, heroism, villainy. All of that based on a series of whims and reoccurring circumstance.

There have been a few instances in my life where I have been privy to a bit of insight as to my life - past, present, and future. Call it intuition. I will go into this later in a future discussion.

This cruise, this event is going to change my life. I don't know why, or how. Even in the face of coming to terms with what is really going on, and who I am going with, and all of my fears on top of that - I will not be the same person when I return. There is an inkling of what it's going to be like, but it's ethereal and without form.

I can feel my soul burning, eager to get on with it. I can only imagine that this is what a caterpillar feels like. This is going to be where I break the cycle and move on. Nothing can stop me now, not even her. I've been a weak person, and necessity dictates that it ends.

For once in my life, I'm not afraid of change.

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