[x]quiet osmosisIf you know me, then you know what happened to me last week. You've read my blog here or on myspace... I have played the voicemails for you, or I have pleaded my case. I have probably sought an objective opinion. I have tried to state an unbiased opinion, merely covering the facts.
When someone accuses me of being a bad person (in so many words) - I do take it personally. If you know me, you know that I am the kind of person that can only blame myself before blaming anyone else. Really, I had to be reassured that what happened was not my fault. Non-action does not dictate fault.
I try to be the best person I can be, every day. At my own expense. While there are times I am not there for myself, you can count on me being there for you. Even when I am a complete mess I do my best to hide it from my friends and family. I don't want to burden anyone with anything. I try to be selfless as possible.
It doesn't take much for me to really care about someone when I meet them. My family, my friends... once you are "in" I swear to God I would take a bullet for you. I would give you anything of myself for any of the people I love in various ways. That is who I am.
Somewhere along the line I lost the ability to love myself. I know somewhere there is cause in me to be great, however I have lost my way. The best part when you cannot care about yourself - you give 100% of your being to others. I define myself in the happiness I try to create in others.
Which is what bothered me with what she said...
I am not a tormentor. I am not cruel. If I was the kind of person who toyed with people and their emotions, that would make me a complete hypocrite with what I have been through.
If you come after me or mine though - I will verbally burn you to the ground, because this is my domain (literally and figuratively). Here is only power I feel that have left, in what I write, in my journal and poetry.
In this I know I have it in me to be a complete bastard. As one of my friends told me when I asked an opinion of the entries I have made - he did say that I do tend to err on the side of harsh. The thing is - I'm not one for pain, or drama. If you want to make a soap opera out of this - that is when you will find me go cold. I'm not one to argue or complain, or draw out that which needs to just end. I will go for the jugular immediately. She isn't the first, nor will she be the last.
She put me on the defensive and she paid dearly for it in the words that I have written. If nothing else I do have a ruthless command of the english language. The whole incident has become a running joke here and that makes me feel better about myself. I took no pleasure in it, I am no sadist.
This is my outlet. This is my canvas. This is what I need to face the day. The reason I make this all public is because people need to know this is who I am. I don't crave feedback, and I don't get off on it.
I am a man, I am not perfect (nor will I ever claim to be) and I will be the first to admit that I am flawed in irrevocable ways. I put it all out there for people to read, and from time to time someone may see something a different way. Call it one-way therapy.