[x]sailing blind

Relevant - "Sleep, don't weep" by Damien Rice (9)

Sleep, don't weep, my sweet love
Your face is all wet 'cause our days were rough
So do what you must do to fill that hole
Wear another shoe to comfort the soul
Those times that I was broke, and you stood strong
I think I found a place where I feel I will...
It's starting to set in a bit.

I would be lying if I said I didn't miss her. What I am not sure of, is how lost I am, if at all.

For the first time living down here I have doubt as to if this is the right place for me. Every day since I have moved to Florida I have been able to wake up and feel like my life was going somewhere, albeit slowly. I mean happiness for the sake of happiness is progress, right?

The thing is, when I made the decision to move I had nothing and no one save family/friends. I was miserable. I hated my job, my life, and myself.

When I made the decision to move, I became a different person. I was happier, driven to make this all work. I became more confident and comfortable in my own skin. Being positive and having finite time left in Michigan just did wonders for me. This manifested itself as getting back with Jessica. Because I knew I was a better person this time around than the first time we were together.

She was there and I will admit when I was there I was looking past her a bit. I remember at one point I looked at her and said "Don't fall in love with me." but looking back at it maybe I was telling myself that as well. As much as I tried to keep her at an arm's length, the more I kept her at bay from my heart - I did in fact fall in love with her.

Which did nothing but reaffirm my decision to leave. She became a part of that plan. Everything that was about ME all of a sudden became about US.

Such is the situations I get myself into. There is some small part of me that feels like making a longshot work would just pay off so much more. This is why I find myself in long distance relationships, bad situations, etc. I don't know what happened to make me feel like I have to make up for something in the past, but it's these moments of clarity that frustrate me the most.

She's gone, and now I am sailing without a heading. I spent so much time believing in the both of us that I really didn't spend time planning to do this on my own. Does this make any sense?

I mean, I'm down here and I'm poor but other than that I can't complain much. The weather is nice, I love my job, I have friends. I am even attracted to a few girls...

At this juncture I am completely neutral about moving though. I mean the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, however that doesn't stop you from looking back over - just to make sure.

I guess I'm just in a rut, which happens from time to time. I know that a few months from now things are going to straighten themselves out, there is no cause for panic. In this lull though - I just don't feel like doing much.

1 comment:

  1. Anonymous8:10 AM

    I cant believe you are attracted to girls john! OMG that hurts so much.. you wrote it on paper . you are loooking:(