Look back 2004 and look ahead 2005

IF YOU ARE GOING TO PRESS PLAY - "Good about me" by Joseph Arthur (Big City Secrets track #4)

When they ask you what's your church
You say I dance
When they say whatever happened to you
You say I never had a chance
I'm an open book
Come in take a look at me

I had a rough year. Everything was going so well until my uncle Don died last January the "Wheels fell off the bus" so to speak. Honestly I didn't get as much accomplished as I wanted to - I just kept myself distracted... It was so hard on my family (Christmas eve was pretty much a disaster) and I think it is still hard.

Well... it's about that time to make my resolutions for next year. Here is how I did on last year:

1. Clear up my life: Thinking about it the past few days... I have cleared up alot of my life.

2. Find the path: I am one class short of my associate's degree in liberal arts. Yeah, I know it isn't much but it's a slip of paper that says I have accomplished SOMETHING since I started college.

3. Plant more trees: Well I made an impact on a certain young lady. She tattooed one of my poems on her so I guess that counts.

4. Be vulnerable again: Hard to explain but I have definately reached an interal compromise with myself. I think I have come to realise that you can never escape your shadow... it will always be there. You just don't have to look at it if you keep looking ahead.

5. Get fucking RIPPED: I was doing so well. I was dieting and working out consistently for the few previous months before January - but I just stopped caring. What I did do was ween myself off of regular pop to diet. Diet vanilla pepsi is my savior. I think

6. Write MORE and DO SOMETHING with it!: Haven't had much to say lately... I want to change that in 2005.


JANUARY - BIG FISH (my favorite movie). All of my optimism of the new year failed when my uncle died. Ben and Meg saved me. Started the failure of a relationship with Kelly.
FEBRUARY - SURVIVOR ALL-STARS, depressed,4th annual SPA (single person awareness) day, uber-badass at UT2K4, The Passion of the Christ.
MARCH - "fight club", declared war on the Arborites, pulled a muscle in my neck, played lineage 2 to the point of being burnt out, ate a Elivs Presley fried peanut butter and banna sandwhich <- got sick, saw Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind.
APRIL - Ariel airlifted to U of M Ann Arbor and the resulting miracle, really stressed out. Finds out the fear of hospitals is Nosocomephobia. Mollie "doesn't want a relationship" is knocked up by some dude. Slashdotted, Ariel gets dischared (yay!), Fallout with kelly ensues.
MAY - Netflix, watching every episode of THE SOPRANOS, gmail account, Go Boston Rob!, Van Helsing sucks, Velvet Revolver FUCKING ROCKS.
JUNE - Velvet Revolver album, Pistons win!, Kelly reaches a controlled descent
JULY - Johnny Bronto goes country, spiderpants... tingling..., All the engines go out on Kelly.
AUGUST - AvP was good, 200$+ on computer mods, Back to school, Andrea and starbucks.
SEPTEMBER - All things Kelly crash and burn, built a dvd shelf, 9/11, Joseph Arthur concert. American Mars = good.
OCTOBER - Crashed my truck and saw American Mars that night, New Joseph Arthur album, Joanna gets a tattoo = ego stroked, Team America... FUCK YEAH. Beth!
NOVEMBER - Discovers politcs, John Kerry loses, Lost interest in politics. Moved out to Hazel Park. Ride with roomate Jeff, and crew leader Al in the cube van to work now, Met Joseph Arthur! John/Chelz birthday combo, World of Warcraft. More Beth.
DECEMBER - World of Warcraft, World of Warcraft, World of Warcraft... xmas eve SUCKS. xmas rocks (sung soprano), 19inch flat panel LCD monitor... Beth and optimism.


1. Kelly - spent 9 months out of the year (Funny how it all started a year ago tonight) chasing/waiting for her. Turns out she wanted something else that I guess better than I was. (Yes I know the truth) But that's okay. She doesn't deserve to have me in her life anymore. I guess I thought there was more to our relationship in my head than she ever did. Whatever she wants to settle for - she blew it with me.

2. Margarita - Things changed this year between her and I. The volatile nature of our relationship leveled off into friendship. I think we are closer than ever and it's all good.

3. Andrea - I met her in the class I was taking last semester. She was from South Africa. It was so interesting talking to person from another country, and I learned alot about the world from a non-American. She utterly intrigued me. Andrea was so fun to be around.. I had to give her my tour of the important things to accomplish around here.

THE Taco Bell
THE Pizza place (pizzapopolis)
THE Coney Island (national)
THE Ice Cream parlor (Coldstone)
A concert - Joseph Arthur
A movie - Blade: Trinity
A scary movie - The ring (she had never seen it)

When I moved in November, everything got really hectic and didn't see her for a while. I knew that she was leaving in December and it kind of snuck up on me. Now I wish I would have spent more time with her.

The last time we went out was right before she left. We went to dinner, then got some ice cream and watched The Ring. As she went to leave it just dawned on me - I have never had to say goodbye to someone that I knew I probably wasn't going to see again. That made her hugging me and driving away make me feel really awkward but sad. She called me the next morning at 6:00am which I missed, but I called her back a few minutes later and could tell she was crying on the other side. It was really sad to talk to someone and not be able to say something like "I'll see you later"

Over the next few days I was just kind of shocked and bothered. I couldn't put my finger on why it affected me so much. Did I have feelings for her? When I met her I was attracted to her, but I told myself that I was just my fascination with her intellectually.

Finally I realized what it was. Andrea was someone who has nothing to do with anyone I have ever met, or any event in my past. How many people do you meet that you can say that about?

I still have her last voicemail on my phone and I don't know why. I do miss her and her company.

4. Beth - She told me not to write anything about her but I have to. I'll keep it short.

We just started talking one night a few months ago and just never stopped, and I have been happier and a better person since meeting her. There are setbacks, both with her and my defense mechanisms. I think we have just agreed to keep it simple. Tonight, on new year's eve. I am just looking forward to being with her. She feels good in alot of ways.

No canvas, no paint. No past and not worrying about anything but the present. Just us.


1. Be healthier - I think I have eaten myself out of gluttony over the past week (Feel kinda bleh!) I am really planning on eating better, doing some cardio, and trying to make a healthier lifestyle my hobby. I will be getting a membership at the local fitness center and that should be fun.

2. Find peace - I just need to put some things to bed and move on. Sarah will always be my first love and because of that she will always have a piece of my heart. She's gone forever and finally I am okay with that. I haven't even thought about Madonna this year so that's pretty much done. I have come to terms with my pretty much losing 3 years of my life and everything that happened when I was hiding under a rock. Depression can make you someone else and in that time I wasn't myself.

3. Be happy - I have no clue but something has snapped in me since Christmas. I have been in a great mood since that depressing time. Normally I get really sad on New Year's but today I am just thankful for all that I have and am looking forward. The only thing I feel bad about is taking so much for granted.

4. Be a good Son/Brother/Uncle/Grandson - I love my family so much. I am so lucky to have them. I really miss them because I only get to see everyone once or twice a week since I have moved out. My mom is the best ever - and I really strive to be half the man my dad is. Chelz and I have spent alot of time together this year going out and that has been fun. Jamie has been busy with everything she has going on and I want to spend more time with her. Logan and Ariel are just amazing. Logan is so smart and fun. Ariel makes my heart melt when she smiles at me. She's all over the place now. I want to spend more time with my Nan this year (my schedule sucks but I am going to have to make it work).

5. Do NOT let WoW ruin my life - World of Warcraft is one of the best and most involved video games I have ever played. Too involved. I think I am going to work out some kind of reward thing whereas 1 hour of cardio = 1 night of WoW without feeling guilty.

6. Write more journal/poetry - Everything now isn't so epic as it was when I started over 4 years ago. That doesn't mean I should stop writing. I really want to start putting in more mundane things... have a normal blog for once.


Movies: Star Wars Episode III, Sin City, The Ring 2
Music: Deftones, Underworld, Nine Inch Nails


Above all, I just want a little peace and a little lovin. God help the tsunami victims and pray for all the Matt Lacki's overseas. Everyone be safe and love one another. I hope I get to level 60 and that Skoal Knight kicks ass.

And lastly - Welcome to *AN INVESTMENT IN FUTURE HAPPY* - www.deadpixel.org blog 2005.

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