[x]Patch notes.

Relevant - "Hey There Delilah" by Plain White T's

Well, I have decided to quit World of Warcraft. I had plans for the "Miscreant 100" where I would have gone around and killed 100 unique alliance dorks... However about 28 all of the interest for the game left me. It has been a fun 6 months, and I have accomplished a ton in the game. Now though it seems like I am putting in a lot of time without a lot of reward. Which pretty much means bumping your head on the ceiling.

So, instead of gaming, I am going to try and be a bit more constructive with my time and energy. For example, I picked up a lot of ground in WORLD WAR Z which I have been hung up on for months. Also I went and saw EAGLE VS. SHARK which is funny in the vein of NAPOLEON DYNAMITE.

So in my life again - changes need to be made... They always need to be made.

[x]lost among the crowd.

Relevant - "Skym" by Underworld (Beaucoup Fish)

Do you still feed the animal?

...and I myself cannot stop. All I can do is take the noise in me and make it pretty.

i suppose, when you mean to
tipping your hand early
is better
than never showing your cards at all

the polar opposite
of our attraction
is the way
that we do not love each other

do you understand
this intersection?
the pain will be easier to deal with
than the joy

we are part of this story
and yet
different themes
and both on different pages

i've gone and done it
every further word
kindling
one way or the other

denial only prolonging the inevitable
of our prophesied honesty
one lie we aren't living
is the long truths of yesterday

this struggle
of lust and willpower
i think i am the one who is broken
and also breaking the rule
- forgive me

[x]necessary lies/unnecessary truth.

with the fuse lit
we're even more liars
it's only a matter of time
before the tone goes dark

versions of me
underwhelmed by what is
and overwhelmed
by what could have been

you wound me
every single time you leave
and i never feel so alone
as when the warmth is fading

in our own little world
we play with fire
even though it's destined
to burn everything
in our own little world
we lie

denial the only bandage
for this mortal wound
because i won't let myself believe
how deep i was cut

take my heaven
and put it in my pocket again
as i have done so many times
when honesty would destroy
this blissful grey abyss

so much never spoken
when every world does nothing
nothing but subtract from
all that we never need to say

here i am again
but this time
the cruel twist
is i can see fate coming

what am i supposed to do?
what can i even say?
i cannot see my life past you
and i am afraid

[x]from my own abyss.

I am back.

Expect the dire soon.

[x]silence and peace.

Relevant - "The Good Soldier" by Nine Inch Nails (year zero)

Hope you understand the way that things are gonna be
There's nowhere left to hide
'Cause God is on our side
I keep telling myself

I am trying to see
I am trying to believe
This is not where I should be
I am trying to believe

...

Anyone who claims to know me closely... intimately... Should know that I tend to over-analyze and dwell on things too long. Over and over, every possible scenario. Call it a personality flaw. This may be the result of circumstance and what it has done to me in my life. I over think things in the illusion that somehow I can take chance out of the equation.

Heart on my sleeve is an understatement.

I tend to hide because I know that I am not good company in these situations. Just because the sky is falling for me doesn't mean it is for anyone else.

So if you are going to disappoint me - do so. If you are going to break my heart... fine I can deal with that. If anything else, I can deal with pain. Disregarding me for over a month and counting is just an insult... Whatever you scared of is just making it worse.

There is nothing more lonely than silence. In that, environment tends to magnify everything. Try to put yourself in my situation. Try to imagine what you have and are putting me through. Multiply that exponentially with every passing week.

I tend to torture myself over the things that I cannot change. The worst possible thing you can do to me, however, is leave me alone to my thoughts...

...and you have.

[x]something like that part 2.

http://www.sinfest.net/archive_page.php?comicID=2434

[x]what's the word for it... oh yeah.

You know, it took a few days to really nail down how I feel about the phone call from Jessica the other night.

The only word that comes to mind is - Amused.

I guess I'm not completely lost then.

[x]the subtle insanities!

Wow. Where to start.

1. Last night's phone call was... interesting to say the least.
2. I love the air, in spring. The sky is the only thing that makes me feel free.

even with all of the miles between us
the silence cuts the deepest
though, somehow
i'm there and you're here.

[x]Lame.

This would all end
we both knew
but for every step
the closer we got
that day seemed further and further away

Who am i to blame the syren
for smashing me into the rocks?
That's who she is
that's what this always was
even if I am in denial
of how it has to be.

[x]Attrition.

all of this
set into emotion
asking for my blessing
is like getting permission to break my heart
because you know that veil
might as well be a shroud

damned either way
the happiness I want for you
even if it isn't me
i swear i'll try to say
everything you want to hear
even if it makes me ill to lie

the monster soliciting
knocks on the door
i'll sit here like a scolded child
afraid to move
how am i ever going to burn out
if i never shine?

the saving grace
oh sweet distraction
becaust it hurts to think
to eventually realize
that i'm completely destroyed

this war of attrition
because we both know
hurting me hurts you and vice versa
so where does that leave us?
do i even try to fake it?
do i find another lose cause?

can i look you in the eyes anymore?
can you even look in mine?
widespread panic within me
when i feel like you're gone
when you haven't even left yet