[x]lack thereof.

This last week has been another lull. I'm not in pain, I'm not really hurting at all. So I have been wondering what is wrong with me. I don't miss her, nor do I regret anything I have said or done (or didn't do FFS). The only thing that really vexes me is how much farther I could have taken it... In regards to what was said, I could have been MUCH worse on her and I think she knows it. Oh well, even through the restraint it was sufficient.

I'm not sad by any stretch of the imagination - I am just indifferent.

It's more like there is a part of me missing... I feel like I just made a long-term investment/deposit into a bank and the next day it closed. Or maybe I bought an ice cream cone and dropped it on the ground. No refunds. Which is funny because there is nothing to salvage, there is nothing to get back.

There is no sense in looking back. Ever. Which leaves me no choice but to look ahead. She Wants Revenge is on Thursday, Age of Conan just came out, I have all kinds of season finales to look forward to. Plenty of things to distract me I suppose until I get my head back in the game.

[x]quiet osmosis

If you know me, then you know what happened to me last week. You've read my blog here or on myspace... I have played the voicemails for you, or I have pleaded my case. I have probably sought an objective opinion. I have tried to state an unbiased opinion, merely covering the facts.

When someone accuses me of being a bad person (in so many words) - I do take it personally. If you know me, you know that I am the kind of person that can only blame myself before blaming anyone else. Really, I had to be reassured that what happened was not my fault. Non-action does not dictate fault.

I try to be the best person I can be, every day. At my own expense. While there are times I am not there for myself, you can count on me being there for you. Even when I am a complete mess I do my best to hide it from my friends and family. I don't want to burden anyone with anything. I try to be selfless as possible.

It doesn't take much for me to really care about someone when I meet them. My family, my friends... once you are "in" I swear to God I would take a bullet for you. I would give you anything of myself for any of the people I love in various ways. That is who I am.

Somewhere along the line I lost the ability to love myself. I know somewhere there is cause in me to be great, however I have lost my way. The best part when you cannot care about yourself - you give 100% of your being to others. I define myself in the happiness I try to create in others.

Which is what bothered me with what she said...

I am not a tormentor. I am not cruel. If I was the kind of person who toyed with people and their emotions, that would make me a complete hypocrite with what I have been through.

If you come after me or mine though - I will verbally burn you to the ground, because this is my domain (literally and figuratively). Here is only power I feel that have left, in what I write, in my journal and poetry.

In this I know I have it in me to be a complete bastard. As one of my friends told me when I asked an opinion of the entries I have made - he did say that I do tend to err on the side of harsh. The thing is - I'm not one for pain, or drama. If you want to make a soap opera out of this - that is when you will find me go cold. I'm not one to argue or complain, or draw out that which needs to just end. I will go for the jugular immediately. She isn't the first, nor will she be the last.

She put me on the defensive and she paid dearly for it in the words that I have written. If nothing else I do have a ruthless command of the english language. The whole incident has become a running joke here and that makes me feel better about myself. I took no pleasure in it, I am no sadist.

This is my outlet. This is my canvas. This is what I need to face the day. The reason I make this all public is because people need to know this is who I am. I don't crave feedback, and I don't get off on it.

I am a man, I am not perfect (nor will I ever claim to be) and I will be the first to admit that I am flawed in irrevocable ways. I put it all out there for people to read, and from time to time someone may see something a different way. Call it one-way therapy.

[x]Temper, temper.

This entry has been archived and made private.

[x]pity.

This entry has been archived and made private.

[x]who says you can't go home...

I am going flying home tomorrow night.

I will be back in Michigan all day on Sunday and then will drive back to Florida at around 9am (or earlier) and hopefully back be here around 3am Tuesday morning.

Cannot wait to see my family and eat some GOOD food. Unfortunately I won't have any time to spare so I am sorry to everyone that I will not be able to see.

It's going to be weird, being back.

[x]sailing blind

Relevant - "Sleep, don't weep" by Damien Rice (9)

Sleep, don't weep, my sweet love
Your face is all wet 'cause our days were rough
So do what you must do to fill that hole
Wear another shoe to comfort the soul
Those times that I was broke, and you stood strong
I think I found a place where I feel I will...
It's starting to set in a bit.

I would be lying if I said I didn't miss her. What I am not sure of, is how lost I am, if at all.

For the first time living down here I have doubt as to if this is the right place for me. Every day since I have moved to Florida I have been able to wake up and feel like my life was going somewhere, albeit slowly. I mean happiness for the sake of happiness is progress, right?

The thing is, when I made the decision to move I had nothing and no one save family/friends. I was miserable. I hated my job, my life, and myself.

When I made the decision to move, I became a different person. I was happier, driven to make this all work. I became more confident and comfortable in my own skin. Being positive and having finite time left in Michigan just did wonders for me. This manifested itself as getting back with Jessica. Because I knew I was a better person this time around than the first time we were together.

She was there and I will admit when I was there I was looking past her a bit. I remember at one point I looked at her and said "Don't fall in love with me." but looking back at it maybe I was telling myself that as well. As much as I tried to keep her at an arm's length, the more I kept her at bay from my heart - I did in fact fall in love with her.

Which did nothing but reaffirm my decision to leave. She became a part of that plan. Everything that was about ME all of a sudden became about US.

Such is the situations I get myself into. There is some small part of me that feels like making a longshot work would just pay off so much more. This is why I find myself in long distance relationships, bad situations, etc. I don't know what happened to make me feel like I have to make up for something in the past, but it's these moments of clarity that frustrate me the most.

She's gone, and now I am sailing without a heading. I spent so much time believing in the both of us that I really didn't spend time planning to do this on my own. Does this make any sense?

I mean, I'm down here and I'm poor but other than that I can't complain much. The weather is nice, I love my job, I have friends. I am even attracted to a few girls...

At this juncture I am completely neutral about moving though. I mean the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, however that doesn't stop you from looking back over - just to make sure.

I guess I'm just in a rut, which happens from time to time. I know that a few months from now things are going to straighten themselves out, there is no cause for panic. In this lull though - I just don't feel like doing much.

[x]in case you were wondering how I have been sleeping.

Relevant - "Goodbye Lover" by James Blunt

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.

I haven't been able to sleep in the last two weeks. Right now it's 12:42am and I have to get up for work 6 and a half hours. I would be lying if I said I didn't know what's wrong with me... Hopefully soon this will all be corrected and I can get back on a normal schedule.

...

Yesterday I went to the AMC 24 at Downtown Disney to see FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL. It was just the type of movie I needed to see. It's a good breakup film. Something in me gave way when I left the theater. For the first time since I moved down here, I felt the sunshine on my skin. Really. I look around at the palm trees swaying in the wind...

I live, for all intensive purposes, in paradise. My body is here, but I need to let my heart and soul move here as well.

[x]our naked hearts.

we spend our lives
trying to clothe
trying to cover up and protect
our naked hearts

our faith hemorrages
we are wounded
you didn't just quit on me
you quit on us

what faith can i have
when i gave you all i could
when i sacrificed everything and more
when it still isn't enough?

and i was the fool
to think i could barter
my soul for another
forced upon the offensive
tell me where it hurts
so i can press on the wound

the cry is louder than ever
although i saddens me
to know the echo
will be lost in the distance

i can't face the day
unless i dress myself in the mar of tragedy
because that betrayal
has become what i am

i wish i could give you all of me
but i cannot
i can give you what they let me keep
for myself
and i'm sorry.

this was the mistake i knew i was making
even as i was saying those words
i know you could see right through them all
which made it even worse

better to leave a graveyard behind you
then be buried in someone else's
when they leave
you behind

[x]it's the numbness that stings the most.

Relevant - "king of the pavement" by Joseph Arthur

It's good to be king, king of the pavement...

Jessica and I have broken up and this time I think it is permanent.

I'm not really sad though. I think I am more in shock than anything, as in most post-relationship situations where it's just surreal to be without someone. We went out for 6 months (as of yesterday). We had a good run.

What hurts is just some of things she said in the good times, because those things were beautiful and will now never come to pass.

I mean I really gave my all to a long distance relationship, so no one could say I didn't try. I made huge sacrifices to try and endure, both while I was in Michigan and here in Florida. I did everything I could to make this work... and it just didn't. Just wasn't meant to be I suppose.

There is neither of us to blame. Our relationship had boiled down to a series of nothing-fights and quick fixes. This is about a clean break as possible, because we both know, even in this silence that this is for the best.

I don't expect to, nor wish to hear from her again. It's time for me to really begin my life down here. I didn't move down here to look back (although I do at certain things), and I certainly did not move down here to be depressed.

faith and focus
we swapped places in the mirrors reflection
and now that I am on the other side
it comes to me
-there is a difference between quitting
and giving up

[x]Last one out, turn out the light.

Well, after a few months thinking about where I wanted to go with the site... I have decided to close deadpixel.org after 8 *mostly* solid years of updating.

I used the page as a journal and outlet when I needed it and at this point it just seems like filler... So it's time to go into a new direction.

I am not sure how long the site is going to be up at this point because I am switching the hosting over to my new site and project:

WWW.JOHNNYBRONTO.COM (coming soon)

p.s. Thank you to everyone who has come across the site in the past 8 years.