[x]Favorite Songs #11-15.

11. "Tonight, Tonight" by The Smashing Pumpkins

We'll crucify the insincere tonight
We'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight
We'll find a way to offer up the night tonight
The indescribable moments of your life tonight
The impossible is possible tonight
Believe in me as I believe in you, tonight

12. "Run" by Snow Patrol

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

13. "Standing outside a broken telephone booth with money in my hand" by Primitive Radio Gods

I've been downhearted baby,
Ever since the day we met

14. "Time is running out" by Muse

You will be the death of me
Yeah, you will be the death of me

15. "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails (Also as performed by Johnny Cash)


what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end

[x]Favorite songs #16-20.

Music has always been a huge part of who I am. My interests are all over the place as far as genres go. I want you to listen to these, because I think it will give you a better picture of who I am. Here are my favorite songs, #16-20. I will be posting the others in the future.

16. "Obstacle 1" by Interpol

It's in the way that she walks,
her heaven is never enough

17. "I hate it too" by Hum

And she don't hold me right,
she's never going to get me there.

18. "A stroke of luck" by Garbage


You say that you'll be there to catch me
Or will you only try to trap me
These are the rules I make

19. "Grey room" by Damien Rice

Well I've been here before
Sat on a floor in a grey grey mood
Where I stay up all night
And all that I write is a grey grey tune

20. "Alien" by Bush


And she comes to take me away
She's all that I needed
I don't breathe another lover

[x]Do you know the way that I can't lose?

Relevant - "Tear" by The Smashing Pumpkins (Ava Adore)



Tear me apart
Tear me apart from you
Where is your heart?
Where has your heart run to?

If I have one regret, it was never kissing you in the field that night...

[x] The Spoils...

Relevant - "Normal like you" by Everclear (So much for the afterglow)



Tell me why you want to be blind
I don't want to be normal like you
I know now every day
I get closer to the place inside
Where I can be complacent
Yes I get closer to the place inside
Where I can be sedated*

*This is the best video I could find for this song.

Lately I have rediscovered Everclear, a band I was really into in the 90's (wow, depressing to even say that). I had their first two major albums on repeat for my recent stint back in World of Warcraft. I have since then walked away after I did all of the new quests for the expansion. I would really like to play with some of my friends but our schedules don't really match up. That, and I just can't sink in the time required for endgame raiding. Ah well, it was good while it lasted.

Things are going somewhat well. My job is going really well...

I wrote something for the first time in a while.

I like to think
we haunt eachother
now that we're both gone
my name still on your lips
as your name left on mine

[x]Year in review 2008.

Relevant - "Bittersweet Symphony" by The Verve



Well I've never prayed, but tonight I'm on my knees yeah...

"Plan B in the Land of Misfit Toys"

I am starting this on Monday, because i think that I have more to say than time will allow. This entry is one of the more popular ones I would presume. I wouldn't want to disappoint you. I am working on Wednesday (New Year's Eve) and then heading to Disney with Noel afterward, so I need to get this done ahead of time.

This year was a transitional one, because I completely changed my life around…

PART I - The past

There was a lot of closure this year. I finally closed the door on every single female issue that I had up in Michigan. I have been freed of every ghost that I have ever let haunt me, even Sarah. Yes, I do know is that it was a long time coming, what I don't is why. I guess she was the bar that I had unfairly set everyone else against.

I feel the need to address the last two women in my life, sort of a post-game. Neither warrant dedication in the future, although they may be mentioned in passing.

Jessica - We haven't spoken in months. However I wouldn't put it past you to be reading this out of morbid curiosity. If there was any thought that I wanted to leave with you - remember how it was this time last year, and the plans that we had. You and I were in love and we had the plan. We were both extremely happy in our relationship. My family adored you and took you in quickly.

When you end a relationship, it’s polite to say that you always say that you want someone to be happy. In a karma/positive energy sort of way, I really do. That comes with the caveat of working both ways as she truly wounded me. I truly hope you find someone to make you happy BUT - I want you to remember what you gave up and why. I’ll leave it at that.

If you love something let it go..... The old adage says. I let you go, and you never came back. It wasn't meant to be.

One more thing – Thanks for everything.

Margarita – It’s been a year since we last spoke. I have reached out to you several times, to no avail. I have either caused too much damage to move on, or our friendship wasn’t worth fixing. Maybe both, because I know there isn’t anything further that I could say that you don’t already know.

One more thing – I’ll always remember, and you will too.

Part II - The present

I cannot believe I have been in Florida a year. It doesn't feel like it, to be honest. Every time I become aware of my surroundings, it still feels new to me. I have always been such a homebody, and only once lived outside of a 1 hour radius for two weeks in Ohio.

I have kept myself too busy and focused to let homesickness set in.

So, am I better off this year than last? In short - yes. I do miss the money I made at TAG but I do not miss the stress level and sheer exhaustion of it. I took a huge pay cut when I moved down here, but I do not wake up every day so exhausted. Honestly it wasn’t worth it.

It’s been a rough year, financially. My bills have all been paid, and I have a little left over to survive.

Part III - The future

I have a year behind me at EBG, and I like to think I have risen fairly quickly. I am eager to see how the next month or so plays out, to really cement my direction with the company. Hopefully soon I will earn a raise, which will give me a little more money to play around with and make progress. I didn’t move down here to be poor.

I like the company as much as I will let myself, and have made quite a few friends out of my co-workers. Complete contrast from the majority of the people I used to work with at TAG.

Hopefully our roommate crisis will be fixed soon. We had the fourth person on the lease up and leave us out to dry starting this month, and we are locked in until March.

How did I do on last year's resolutions?

1.Make it work – I did the best I could with what I had down here. Can't complain too much.
2.Shed some vices/Be healthier – I gave up World of Warcraft for the better part of the year after cashing out. However, I am back in the fold now with the expansion (Just for the content, I swear). I wish I would have eaten better, but I didn't.
3.Let myself be happy and loved – Well, Jessica and I didn't quite work out, however I believe I was transformed by the experience. I found out many things about myself over the last year.
4.Put the dark side to use – It's amazing what putting the dead to rest with do for you.
5.Let the wit win – I have won over a good amount of people down here with my wit.
6.Write more – I wrote a ton this year, and have a few projects brewing.

January – Move to Florida, Start at EBG. Mike introduces me to BSG.
February - Banking issues, Electrolytes are what the matrix craves.
March – Creative streak, new Counting Crows.
April – Deadpixel.org becomes Johnnybronto.com, Jessica and I break up, words ensue. The family comes to visit.
May – I turn my Fusion (Damien) in, Fly home to get my Focus (Lucid), Jessica and I give it another shot. Epic fail. She wants revenge (It's a double!) and then I want and get revenge too.
June – Caffeine withdrawal and rampant insomnia.
July – I cash out of WOW. The dark knight is awesome.
August – The art of love goes private.
September – The pirates cruise, we give it one more shot. Epic fail again.
October – EBG plague victim, sick the whole month. The crow said don't look, and I do.
November – I throw a party for the masses and feed them grilled cheese. Thanksgiving at the castle.
December – I fly home for a quick jaunt with the fam and friends. My fantasy football team - The Detroit Expansion Team (AKA Detroit Pretty Princess) wins the EBG championship. Joe has written an awesome book based on my old D&D character. Full of Win! EBG promotion to special events.

I will keep a better record next year, I swear.


New Year's Resolutions 2009

1.Write more - Hopefully I will get my first screenplay “Reps” (based upon my experiences of the past year) done sometime soon. I have my visual epic “Syren” in the works as well my first book of poetry “A Wound Before Armor”.
2.Lose some weight/be healthier – Going from working construction to a corporate office, I packed on a few pounds (Okay a little more than a few). I turned 30 and I have to get on top of my health because the warranty is over. I would really like to lose 40+ pounds, or more through exercise and better eating. I am giving up soda (pop) too and drinking water. I really want to slim down.
3.Do more with the website – I think I am going to approach my page this year as more of a multimedia and photo journal. With things like youtube and flikr, there is no reason why I cannot share what I am up to and what I am listening to.
4.Start the podcast – Mike and I want to start a show for movie reviews and discussion. We spent a good part of year brainstorming for it, and now we need to get it going.
5.Try to play WoW sparingly. I have been a bit burned out on MMO's this year, and I tried Age of Conan and Warhammer Online. Both were fun in the beginning just because they were different, but ran out of gas quickly. I am playing WoW again for the new stuff, but I doubt I will ever be as hardcore as I used to be about any game.
6.Get more out of EBG – I really busted my ass to make a name for myself in the company, and hopefully this year it will start to pay off.


So, that is pretty much it. Here we go 2009.

JOHNNY BRONTO TAKES OVER the WORLD

[x]Vacation (to home).

Relevant - "Goodnight, Travel Well" by the Killers (Day & Age)

Every time you fall
And every time you try
Every foolish dream
And every compromise
Every word you spoke
And everything you said
Everything you left me,
rambles in my head

Less than 12 hours from now, I will be back in Michigan. From what I hear it has been about 25 degrees with snow. Compare that with the 66 degrees it is now outside here in Florida.

How do I feel about going home? I'm pretty anxious, because this has been a long time coming. I haven't seen my family in the better part of a year, and it's been even longer for my friends. I miss them so much, and with my guard down and my focus homeward I'm getting pretty homesick down the stretch. I know they miss me, too. I'm so excited that I doubt I will be able to crash tonight (which might be good - flight is at 8:30am and I would rather sleep through the flight). I can't wait to eat some of my mom's cooking.

Monday I am going to have a little get together at boomers for my friends. Will be nice to see them, as well. I have missed them greatly. They are the only good memories I have left there.

However, there is always a catch. The air will have grown cold when I return, and I know as I breathe it in, some things will have changed. My family and friends will be the only warm thing left in that state. Everything else will be the barren wasteland of a graveyard that I left it. I have many bad memories.

Last time I was in Michigan to pick up my car, Jessica and I were broken up but we decided to see each other anyway. We spent some time together and talked some things out - there was a spark, which led to us getting back together (albeit inconsistently), which led to us going on the cruise. I still remember when she broke, which in turn broke me...

No such luck this time. Michigan is devoid of anything remotely resembling an romantic emotional attachment. All of those ghosts have been put to rest. Artistically it's pretty much dead to me. My soul is haunted there. Even now one of my last phone conversations with her, asking if I was going to call - echoes in my mind.

I wish I could take all of my loved ones and relocate them down here.

I've let go of so much this year, so many things that I thought were sustaining me. So many things ended, one after the other. God I wish I could explain how I feel.

December has always been the month of goodbyes.

[x]...the more they stay the same.

This has been a weird month. Hard to put it into words really. It feels like that special effect in cinema where someone moves in real-time, while a crowd speeds past in fast forward. That is the best description that I can come up with. I watch life and everyone around me as they go about their lives, like some sort of human ant farm. I like to think that I can see most of every one's intricate inner workings, and the contrast of their relationships to one another. I like to think I see people in a light that most do not.

My intuition rarely fails me, if ever.

It's my ability to be fairly objective about myself that has been my saving grace. I probably spend as much time looking in as I do looking out.

I tend to draw like-minded souls to me, as do most people. However, I have discovered there is an additional filter to those I keep close to me. Emotional capacity and compatibility. None of the people who I could consider my close friends are selfish, and most are fairly compassionate. We do what we can to get by, and we try to take care of each other... or at least offer to. We may differ in our respective views, but we agree to disagree, and do not let it affect us. I have VASTLY different social, political, philosophical, and religious views (which I keep to myself for now).

There is a counter-balance to this though. I am drawn to certain archetypes of women as well, and though 1200 miles from Michigan, I find myself in some disappointingly familiar situations, even here in Florida. Which is a feat in itself, being that I haven't even been here a year yet.

Impossible muse? Check.

Crush on the girl with the boyfriend? Check.

Wasting my affections on a waste of time? Check.

Why does this happen to me? I think there are certain shortcomings in my soul. Holes that need to be filled in my heart. I will always find a muse because I need that spiritually and artistically. I will always have the crush because I will always want most what I cannot have. I catch myself wasting my affections on those undeserving as well... which I usually chalk up to being a proximity thing. Not sure why I even bother. I think I am better than that.

I can help having the wasted affection and the crush, but I will never be able to help having a muse. I always seem to find some amazing girl around, where I see an amazing beauty inside and out that no one quite pays attention to. I knew it immediately when I met her.

[x]Returning.

For anyone interested - I will be back in Michigan from early Sunday, December 7th, until late on Tuesday, December 9th. This will be the only opportunity that I will have to see friends and family for the holidays this year.

I plan on having a small get-together at B.BOOMER's in Allen Park on Monday night. Call me for details.

[x]Prominence.

Relevant - "The Torch Song" by Shady Bard (From the ground up)

Save me.

In 15 minutes it will be November 17th, and my 30th birthday. I will officially be out of my twenties, and officially my "Youth" will be over. Relatively speaking, of course. I spent about half of the last decade hiding, then the other half trying to make up for a life that I was never meant to lead... I guess it makes sense the older I get, having more to reflect on.

I don't feel 30.

Last night I had my party, which I think was a success (2/2). I made about 5 loaves of bread's worth of my world famous grilled cheese, which went over extremely well. Only one near-miss incident for the record, and everyone got home safe. I call that a win.

Thanks go out to Noel, because I couldn't have done it without him.

It's funny how you can feel the most lonely when you are surrounded by people. Pretty much ALL of my friends down here were there. It was nice to see everyone enjoying themselves.

This was a victory, but it still feels hollow when you have no one to share it with. When I watched the last person leave, and I was the last person standing, I was really lonely. I suppose the timing of the whole thing, or even the person set it off... When I shut the door it just hit me. I miss that connection of loving someone.

I'm more in control of my emotions now than I have ever been. But I am still drawn to people. Even when I do my best to hide it, and I can feel it just under the surface... I know they could see it in my eyes if they chose to look. Which scares me.

She says I thought we were all past this
I tell myself no
I say no
I just feel more guilty
And once again, I watch her leave

Redemption to detail
I will rise
when I figure out
how to forgive myself
for what I haven't done

[x]Purge.

Relevant - "Same Mistake" by James Blunt (All the lost souls)

I'm not calling for a second chance,
I'm screaming at the top of my voice
Give me reason, but don't give me choice
Cause I'll just make, the same mistake, again

I need to write this, to spell it all out. I need to see it in front of me for it all to make sense. Writing has always been how I cope, because I have nothing else. I always give you 100% when I commit something here. I don't know how to do it halfway.

This past week or so I have been ravaged (and I use that term lightly) by the Flu. My lungs feel like they are lined with lead from all of the coughing. I am having trouble talking on the phone, even though it's my job. The worst has past, I believe, but I still have a few days of working this out of my system.

Lately, I have been feeling really isolated. Obviously I don't want to expose my friends down here to what I have (even though I probably got it from them) but there is just something more. After this whole mess with Jessica I really turned myself inward to figure out who I am anymore. There are people around, but yet internally I feel as though I am walking through some barren, dystopian reality. This reverse eden. I've been struggling, and even more so wanting to know why.

I love her. I love her still, and to be honest I don't think I have stopped loving her since we met. The other day I was shaving and I noticed the small scar I still have under my lip, where years ago I cut myself while not paying attention at work. I was so smitten after one of our early dates and how perfect it was, I couldn't even concentrate. I could still feel that kiss on my cheek, I swear.

It's so hard to love someone, and to be so utterly defeated that you can't even summon up the courage to say goodbye. The last time she called, I saw "beep" on my caller ID (that's her, inside joke) and just stared at it until it went to voicemail. I didn't even listen to it until later, because I knew that was going to be it. Like I could somehow delay the inevitable.

She's moving on. She has a date. She wishes me the best. etc. etc. etc. I always say that if you don't leave the knife in, they can't twist it. Easier said than done, because I can feel the hole in me as I live and breathe. She has hurt me, gravely and utterly.

I don't think she ever knew, but I loved her so fiercely that I bore every single wound she gave me without even flinching. I can never express the faith of being so sure, because you or she would never understand.

It's an odd thing for me, for my logic to tell me that she is the one who quit on me, and my heart telling me that I was the one who disappointed her. Logic dictates that it is necessary that I am here. My heart tells me it was stupid to leave when I had someone finally who I could have spent the rest of my life with. Love is nothing but open wounds that you bear for each other.

Looking at my phone when she called the last time, I felt the same detachment that I felt the first time we broke up years ago. I remember I was sitting on Joe's couch on Sunday when she called, and me saying "If that's what you want" in response. The same detachment when she broke up with me months ago. The same detachment when we got into a fight on the cruise.

It was the highest of highs, and the lowest of lows, yet I take solace in the face that somehow I maintained consistency in my feelings for her. Maybe she never knew. I realized on the cruise that we operate on a completely different set of emotional spectrum.

The thing is, I never had the heart to fight with her. Call me a coward for that, but I just loved her so much that I couldn't bring myself to even fathom hurting her. Now I have realized that I never did. All I did was love her, and she was the one who let that hurt. It killed me to disappoint her, which by final verdict is probably what I did by moving.

It's all moot now, and will be after this. She just never saw me sit around at work or wherever and just feel good inside. The many times I could catch myself smiling, literally feeling it on my face. Just feeling happy for once that there was someone out there that loved me. Content. I don't think I could ever express, even with my vocabulary, how absolutely huge that was for me. I actually let someone else in.

The difference, I now realize, is that she was never content in our relationship, and she put a lot of that on me. The thing is, how I felt about her has never even so much as wavered. I guess this is something she never saw in me. Which is a shame.

In one of the last conversations we will ever have, she asked me to move home. She told me that it may or may not work if I did. I told her no. I had offered previously to move home if that would have saved us, because we were both having a hard time being so far apart. I meant it too, at the time. However her "sell" of the whole thing just broke me, right then and there.

This last time, when she asked me... this was when I finally surrendered. I had realized that she had taken everything that that I had to give and beaten it out of me. You can only break a heart so many times before there are too many pieces to glue it back together. I suffer detachment as a defense mechanism.

It's hard to walk around, so defeated. To know you gave it all you had, and have it not be good enough. Knowing you love someone and not being able to be with them any longer. It has happened before to me, yet never in a situation where I have forced myself to withdraw. People break up, but this was like self-imposed exile.

I've run out of answers, and the fight in me is gone. I don't even know where we could go from here, even if we were in the same place. I wanted the world for her and I, yet I find now I have nothing left to give.

Necessity is the mother of invention. You cannot be reborn until you die. You cannot rally unless you are being defeated. This is who I am now.