Today's The Day

I have to go to the funeral home in 3 hours. *Sigh* this is going to suck. Ah well I am going to try to duck out in a few hours so I can meet up with the guys over at Joe's.

I just need to get out of this world for a day...

Oh yeah... Happy Birthday Jamie!

A Much Needed Night Out

Tonight I went to BAHAMA BREEZE with Ben his gf Meg. We were supposed to go to the movies, but we decided to just get something to eat. I just want to say thanks for dinner, and humoring me all night.

Waitress: "Is this your first time here?"
John: "Yes, I am a Bahama Breeze virgin"
Waitress: "..."
John: "Be gentle"

I sat there rambling... and Ben said to me "I am glad we didn't go to the movies, because you just really need to talk" (or something like that) - and it hit me. Yeah I am not dealing with it... At work I just put on the happy facade and just looked straight ahead. I didn't think about my uncle all day.

I really need to just get some things out there... So thanks for listening...

The Hardest Day Of My Life (And it's only 8:30am)

My uncle Donnie just died this morning. I loved him very much... and as hard as it is for him to be gone... This morning made it all the worse.

I woke up to hear the phone ring (This happens alot in these situations). Then to hear my mom screaming "Oh my God" over and over and over again. Finally I learned what happened.

We then had to go over to my grandmother's house to tell her... That was the hardest thing my eyes have ever seen. She was destroyed. I mean... I have lost an uncle... but my mom lost a brother... and my grandmother a SON.

Then the phone calls... the other relatives that had to be told... My mom would call them and not be able to speak... over and over again I had to take the phone from her and tell them. My other uncle... the Pastor... others... It was so hard to have to tell so many people, and sit through their reaction. To have to calmly explain the situation... I had to be there for them.

The Pastor came over and prayed with my mother and grandmother... As usual I kept my eyes open and didn't really hear the words. They were empty to me. The only thing that made me feel better was the faith in which he spoke. There was strength there. I admire that... However beyond that I have felt nothing.

Equilibrium - You know I was like you... But the first thing that you learn about emotion, is that it has it's price. A complete paradox. But with out restraint, without control - emotion is chaos. (But how is that different?) The difference being is that when we want to feel, we can... It's just that, some of us... Some of us have to forgo the luxury so that the rest can have it. Some very few of us... Have to force ourselves not to feel... Like me. Like you.

If this is being strong then why do I feel so weak?

Am I in some sort of shock? Shouldn't this hurt more? Shouldn't I have broken down and cried by now? I can feel it all in that spot between my stomach and my heart... I FEEL something but maybe I have lost the ability to express it or deal with it.

Bionic Commando

Everyone has their game. For some, it's games like Goldeneye or Tekken... For me... It is the BEST VIDEO GAME EVER... BIONIC COMMANDO!

I will beat your ass at some BIONIC COMMANDO.

I am insane at this game. Right now I want to go buy an NES just so I can play it. I don't own an NES but I DO own bionic commando.

Viva La Compton Ass Terry

Over vacation I sat through a marathon of VIVA LA BAM. 3 times. This show is just good old-fashioned fun for the whole family. I know what you are all asking yourselves...

What the hell is that "Compton Ass Terry" song? Well I will tell you... Thanks to a little help from thetimekiller blog.

"Got Some Teeth" by Obie Trice from his new album Cheers

Speaking of which, you can check out Terry's journal too.

BLING!

UPDATE 1:47pm... Just call me Compton Ass Bronto.

Big Fish

I just got back from Tim Burton's BIG FISH. I will admit... I wasn't really big on seeing this movie... I love Tim Burton but I didn't worship him like goths do. Maybe that will all change now. I loved Beetlejuice, The Nightmare Before Christmas, Edward Scissorhands, James and the Giant Peach... etc. I love his stye. Most of what I admired was the imagery.

But with BIG FISH...I have never had a movie strike so many chords within me. I left the theater affected in a way that I don't think any before have been able to attain.

I love the contrast at the end of the movie. The metaphors. I won't spoil it for you... but I will definately be purchasing this when it comes out. I would go see it RIGHT NOW.

This wasn't a sex dream

She was sitting up on my bed, close to me. I can see my face but hers is turned away. She has long dark hair, and is wearing nothing but a bra. I run my hands down her back in slow strokes, exploring her body while kissing her. I repeat the movements of my hands, as if asking for permission to touch her. Gradually as they gain confidence, my hands run slowly behind her bra, and gain no resistance from her...

Then my alarm clock goes off. ARGH.

This was a short dream that I had the other night. I don't really ever dream and remember it. This girl in the dream... I don't know who she is. She isn't anyone I currently know.

This wasn't a sex dream. As far as I can tell I have had only one of those... It was the fall after Madonna left me, and it was a fairly vivid dream about her.

This dream was more about the feeling of it all. That awkward stage in a relationship where you are getting to know someone on a physical level. The slowness of a it all... The delicate process of breaking the barrier of intimacy. You cannot really say "Hey! Can it touch your (insert body part here)"... So, you have to express that in a physical way. Asking permission with your hands... No words involved, just senses, just FEELING.

I don't have a photographic memory... but my senses have a memory of their own in a way. I can remember what it felt like to touch someone, how their body felt. How they smelled. Sometimes even more clearly than I can remember what they looked like (the lines blur over time).

You can only know someone so much by talking to them... the rest is in the sense of touch. How someone really FEELS in your arms can tell you more than words ever could.

What is my subconcious trying to tell me?

Perhaps it has something to do with the emotional floodgates opening on me. In being honest with some people, it has forced me to be honest to myself. There are many things that I haven't dealt with in a long time since I shut myself off from the world.

It's making me crazy.

Right now I am emotionally unstable, as it has been so long. What I want to do the most this year is clear up my life, and that includes resolving issues with people, like Margarita... and new issues like Kelly. Dealing with them as they come up, instead of burying them. I cleaned out the skeletons in my closet last year... It has made me a more open person by far.

The thing is, it is nice to feel again. Care about people. It's never as though I stopped loving my family... it's just that I had to cut myself off from the possibility of being hurt by... well... women. You can only have so many disasters and disappointments before you raise a hand and say "ENOUGH".

No more of that. Having an unflinching ability to shed emotion is a double edged sword. No one gets out, no one gets in. It is an airtight way of living... and treading water.

I am ready to move forward in my life. I'm ready to get out there and open myself up to the possiblity of being hurt. The reward is worth the risk by far. I want to be vulnerable again.

I want to breathe and feel free.

Faith and the Elusive Deity

"Say what you mean,
but it won't change a thing"

- Coldplay "A rush of blood to the head" (Title Track)

Welcome to my new journal. It may not look new... Right now I am using the same template as the old one. I may tweak some things here and there, but overall I am satisfied with it.

Mostly it was for archiving purposes.

So, enjoy. My archive works I think.

Nothing much going on this week as of yet.

Started working out again - ow. Other than that I have cut down on my red-meat intake (replaced with chicken and turkey sammiches)... Have replaced my pop addiction with Gatorade.

I doubt I will ever be satisfied with my body. As with other things... it will never be good enough. I want to lose some weight and gain some form...

Since I have changed my diet, I do in fact feel healthier. I am taking an All-In-One vitamin every morning... and I can feel the difference. I miss fast food... as it is better for the soul... but I just need a change.

...

Still lonely as ever. Looking forward to going to this concert on Saturday... with Margarita. Who knows.. maybe I will meet my dream girl there... or she will find me. One can only wish.

...

Speaking of soul. I watched "Big Thinkers" on TechTV the other day, and they had this guy who insisted that the human body is just a machine... with no soul. All creativeness and innovation comes from a random assortment of cells. There is no God, and we are all ants, and blah blah blah.

I couldn't be more opposed. - Our soul is the very thing that makes us human.

Explain to me emotion. Love, hate. Art, music... etc. The fact that I am listening to "Perfect Blue Buildings" - Do my cells just react to this song? Hello?!!?!? Do you really think these things are the result of a chemical? A firing of electrons? Not that I would ever have any scientific evidence... but here is my theory.

Our body is just a physical representation of how our soul manifests itself to the outside world.

I am sure there is science to explain many things... But degrading human society easily into a category... that is just a poor excuse... this is just someone who obviously doesn't think he has anything to offer the world. I do, on the other hand. Just an old man who never made a difference...

We are not machines. - And anyone who tells me what I have been through is based on neurons firing can go fuck themself.

...

Now that I have gotten that all out. Working on the site again. And, due to popular demand, there will be some changes implemented soon. The site is going to have a more recoginizable theme, one that I know by heart, but have trouble. I want to show the world what "Revolt!" means to me.

The font will be made bigger, and the color should change. Perhaps red, to go along with the soviet theme.

All things change. - Just remember to try and change the world, do not let it change you.

Let me just say for the record that I hate April Fool's day.