[x]The spots in her eyes.

I haven't seen her in forever - 
she sits across from me
I smile, she laughs, we play our parts
I try to be witty and clever
we function 
as if no time has passed
I can't even look at her
for fear of being caught staring
Yet those spots in her eyes see right through me
and bring out the things that I've tried to hide
I try to reason out 
if she's more dangerous than beautiful
my eloquence always seems to fail me
in this, with her, in the real world
mercifully she never presses
she just knows
That this is a conversation that is ongoing
like a subplot in our lives
I wish I could just tell her that I love her
just to see the reaction in her eyes
...but this is an exercise in restraint
one that we never dare speak of aloud
lest we give form to the tempest again
the way she handles me - 
I could swear she's part animal
yet this politeness only magnifies the tension
everything between us has always been so raw, so unrefined
she is the only storm I would ever let take me
this is longing without the specifics
she tears me apart as much as she puts me together
when our eyes meet it actually hurts
and I feel bad when I think she realizes that
because there is nothing that can be done - 
when I care too much to interrupt her life
for the sheer sake of want
so there she goes again, out of my life for who knows how long
and when she leaves
she goes back to being the only could've been
that I actually wish was

41027190

[x]Tombstone.

Every time I go home
it becomes less and less so
Here are my loved ones
and more so, the ones I used to love
when I stopped looking
This place dared to move on without me
like some unkempt graveyard
all wild and overgrown
I'm not here anymore to keep the grounds and affairs in order
and now the ghosts run amok
like the one that just walked past me
this is deja-vu in real time
as I suffer the moment again long ago
the one that changed everything
now just one of many tombstones
in this cemetery of a place where I used to live
where i'm buried with the rest of them
at least the parts of me 
that are dead and gone
to the ones i left behind

[x]Digital Ghost.

Emails, chat sessions, voice mails
I'm hearing her say she loves me
and in that moment
I know she meant it
With a click of a button
as many times I can take
I can be as much of both a 
Sadist and a Masochist to myself at the same time
This isn't a photograph, letter, or recording
Or something else
that is both designed and meant to fade
These are things that cannot be lost or burned or discarded-
Sure, I could hit the delete button
to make her stop haunting me in binary
- in megapixels and MP3's
But I am too scared - 
not of her digital ghost
but of accepting the fact
that I am too much of a coward
to walk away from the only place
where she is still alive

[x]Year in review 2012.

Paul Banks - "Summertime is coming" (Album - Banks)

Can we waste some more time, just colliding in space -

no matter how high we set the bar.

I've been in Florida for 5 years now.  Yeah, I know - crazy.  Seems like so long ago that I moved down here.  MI seems so far away.  I miss my family and friends sometimes, but I am not as homesick as I used to be.  I've been on my own a lot lately (well, with Cody) - to try and get some things figured out.  I think I am doing a pretty good job. 

2012 ended up being a year of upgrades.  Job, location, car.  :)

Without further delay - Here is my 2012 Year in review...

HHN - Halloween Horror Nights - Got pretty involved in the event this year.  Followed all of the developments - Spent a lot of time on the HHNrumors site (and bought the t-shirt to support the site).  Went 9-10 times (I think it blurs together) - Took one of tours, got a blinky cup (Thanks Lindsay).  Was kind of bummed when Margarita didn't get to come down due to my scheduling :( - there is always better hope for this year.  Next year I am getting the express pass - waiting way too long in too many lines this year.  Might go less days in 2013, will pretty much break even in haunt volume. I've gone every years since I have been down here.  It was insanely busy this year, which kind of took away from the fun.  This year will be better.

The Women - Was kind of a quiet year on the girl front.  

Meredith - I met Meredith at a film festival to see the shitty movie "Lovely Molly".  I don't know if anything was ever meant to come of it, but it's nice to have a movie buddy (and someone to talk to).  I admire how passionate she is about a lot of things, because it reminds me of something that I have lost in myself.

Lindsay - Lindsay was the only girl I officially dated in 2012, red flags and all.  She was a proximity girl.  I don't really have anything negative to say about Lindsay.  We were just fundamentally different.  I think if she would have possessed the ability to allow our relationship to evolve (In all aspects) - we could have been okay.  We had some fun, she just didn't read the Scorpio manual.

Sue - Oh, the legendary Sue.  I remember when Eva first mentioned her years ago when we were at EBG.  I have seen her in passing - but we never really got to hang out until opening night at Halloween Horror Nights this year.  She came out of nowhere and volunteered to go with me - I will admit, we rocked it out and (unlike every other time I went to HHN) - got to do everything.  We got to hanging out here and there for a bit.  She reminds me a lot of my friendship with Margarita in MI.  She has the same type of dangerous beauty.  

There are others.  There have been some girls down here that I have been in love with (apparently I love everyone) - that I decided to let go of towards the end of this year.  They probably didn't even know it.  Maybe they did, who knows.  One thing I learned is that loving a lot of women a little DOES NOT add up to loving one person the way that I want to, even if the percentage ends up being the same.

Work - At the end of 2011, I was miserable working for Comcast.  Capped off by having to work NYE until midnight.  I told myself I needed to get out of there.  The job quickly started to stress and burn me out towards the beginning of 2012.  Thankfully, a friend who I had worked before (Both at Barnes & Noble and Comcast) - got me into the help desk at MFRMLS. For the first time in a long time, I have a good job that pays well, that I am good at, and I get to do something that I love.  I love the company and I am really lucky to be there.  Everyone is great, it's like a family.

Home - I spent most of 2012 living on the west side of Orlando (Near Metrowest).  While I was thankful to have a roof over my head , as the year wore on it started to stress me out.  The location, the commute, a lot of things.  At one point we started to put some effort into the house to make it a little easier to live in - it quickly regressed back to the previous state.  That was really hard.  For the most part, I liked the people that I lived with - but it was too many people in too small a space.   Finally it dawned on me that some people are just set in their ways, and it isn't my responsibility to change that.  It just became too much and I started to look for somewhere in a nicer area that was closer to my work in Maitland.  I lucked out and moved in with Stephen and Christine in the college park area, exactly one exit down from where I work.  It's nice having a 8 minute commute.  It's closer, MUCH quieter (on the end of a dead-end street), in a nicer area, way more cost effective, less people (Actually, my housemates are barely home it seems).  This situation is much better for me and Cody for now.

The Car - I fought my 92 Honda Accord all year long.  I was told the car's name was "Kiera" when I got it.  Well she was a complete bitch of a money pit.  Almost every single month the car broke down for something - it was my reasoning that you can only replace so many parts on an older car before it's newer - but it just kept dying on me.  Finally the transmission went (Again) and after a month long ordeal where the problem somehow got WORSE - I decided to get a new(er) car, a 2009 Pontiac G6 on October 30th - so I named it D.N.  The entire reasoning behind owning my own car was to avoid a car payment, but honestly I was dumping $300-$400 a month into the thing anyway and couldn't rely on it.


RESOLUTIONS 2012 - 

1. Get some kind of direction. Any nudge would be great.   Upgrades!
2. Get healthier, I laid the groundwork for losing more weight and feeling better overall. I need to cut down on the Red Vines :)  Cut down on the red vines.  Feeling better than I did in 2011.
3. Figure this job thing out. Get out of a call center - somehow, someway.  Sure did.  MFRMLS is the best thing to happen to me job-wise since I moved to FL.
4. Find someone. There is only really one girl that I know right now that I would date (yes, you) - but I might need to meet someone else who I don't know yet.  Thought for a fleeting moment that I had found someone - but alas it didn't appear to be sustainable.
5. Let things go. I need to let many loose plot threads in my life go.  I did a lot of letting go, still working on the rest of it.

RESOLUTIONS 2013 - 

1.  Kick even more ass at my job. 
2.  Try get a little more discipline and get myself healthier.  Cut down on soda, etc.
3.  Try to write more - if it's movie reviews or poems, get some more words out there.
4.  Find someone so I don't have to spend the next New Year's Eve alone.  Well, not JUST for that reason.
5.  Get some breathing room financially.
6.  Do HHN right this year, maybe even HOS.

Special Thanks - Mike for all of the rides when my car was down.  Luis for getting me into MFRMLS.  To my friends for being there.  

[x]in all my dreams i drown

on the verge of sleep i am an artistic genious

sometimes too lazy to get up

and jot down this masterpiece

hoping the words will still be there when i wake

even though they never seem to be

or never were as good as i think i remember

halfway between being awake and unconcious

is like the montage of a spirit quest

halfway between reality and my subconcious

is where everything is connected and makes sense

halfway between the past and the future

where she was in my arms

and i could feel her heart beating

in a split second i can go from being warm and content

to cold and alone

when i wake with a start i can still feel them

they were just here a second ago

there is that split second on panic

where my heart cedes to logic

how long was ago was it?

seconds/minutes/hours/days/weeks/months/years?

dreams are cruel in their execution

when they have no concept of time

slumber is visiting hours

for the prison of your soul

where the things you can't let go of are locked away

whethere you want them to be or not

[x]the dysfunction of intimacy

i should have up and left 
when i learned her safeword was hello
it was in my nature to love her
even if it was unwarranted
the moment i realized i did
my heart was broken in the fall
infatuation just makes you blind
to all of the red flags
when you just want it more 
than it's meant to be
so here i am 
not even mourning the loss of her
but what went missing when she left
she robbed me of my hate
when it was all i had
she took away the darkness in me
that made me strong
the only thing i am now
is exposed
listening to the sad songs
because they don't quite break the skin
they don't leave any marks
at least none that can be seen on the surface

[x]pawns and proximity.

too often am i drunk on the prospect of love
only to sober up later
and count myself lucky
to have dodged yet another bullet
and when i'm thinking clearly
i cannot comprehend a life with any of them
hindsight makes me wonder
what made them so fucking exempt
at the time in which my standards cease to apply
too many times i've been some ploy
someone else's plot device
and i'm sick of facilitating the happiness of others
being the catalyst of their rise
i look at the lands they've settled
and all of the ways they've compromised
even as i get a sense of validation
i also get a shock of despair in realization -
how long it will be before i sell out
in fear of being alone?
when i say i have so much to give
do other people see how much there is to take?
i will hold out as long as i can
or as long as it takes -
until i find a queen that moves me like a king
and not some pawn of proximity

[x]the phoenix came down here to die.

these are the sacrifices i make for you
to be ever more vicious in my elegance
not quite painting myself in a corner
but walking in a slow spiral
playing chicken with this depression
in my absolute arrogance
i wonder who will back down first
when my heart has nothing left to lose...
don't worry, everything will be okay - i promise
this is me at my most self aware
embracing that which is killing me
and that which isn't just making me darker
my eyes are jade, my eyes are open
as i take a step into the void
and hope to somehow come out the other side
this is something i have to do
this phoenix came down here to die
villain as i am, my hand is in the fire
yet a lack of pain is what hurts the most

[x]mirrors.
when the time goes by
i can no longer hate them for who they were
but for the mirrors they held
and my reflection in them
my loathing shifted to who i was
when i didn't care to escape
when i was too weak to walk away
and how naive i was
thinking it was strength that made me stay
it takes getting older, and colder
to realize now know that the reverse is true
they simply are who they are
so who is at fault
for indulging such questionable character?
yet i look at my reflection
and can see the darkness and void within
there is a huge hole in me
where everyone i have ever loved used to be
and i almost miss the pain

[x]neutral life.

i seek atonement from the fates
in vain attempt to save me from this neutral life
i have plotted and schemed with these words
every single one, weighed and measured
all the while simultaneously seeking salvation as well as sin
this is the grey path i have walked
as i have tried to have it both ways
looking for some kind of path, some kind of light
afraid this will go on forever if unbalanced
if anything, i wasn't designed to be alone
all of my karma cancelling itself out
with all these things that i've done
i have been given voice
but no cause to apply it,
no purpose save merely existing
a mindless automaton, going through the motions
my biggest downfall is the inability to compromise
yet failing to reconcile
the coldness of my logic
with the heat of my passions
nothing matters if i am bereft of love
to show me the value of everything i have
but until that day
i will just sit here with the habit of dividing by zero
and sounding like a broken record