[x]silence and peace.

Relevant - "The Good Soldier" by Nine Inch Nails (year zero)

Hope you understand the way that things are gonna be
There's nowhere left to hide
'Cause God is on our side
I keep telling myself

I am trying to see
I am trying to believe
This is not where I should be
I am trying to believe

...

Anyone who claims to know me closely... intimately... Should know that I tend to over-analyze and dwell on things too long. Over and over, every possible scenario. Call it a personality flaw. This may be the result of circumstance and what it has done to me in my life. I over think things in the illusion that somehow I can take chance out of the equation.

Heart on my sleeve is an understatement.

I tend to hide because I know that I am not good company in these situations. Just because the sky is falling for me doesn't mean it is for anyone else.

So if you are going to disappoint me - do so. If you are going to break my heart... fine I can deal with that. If anything else, I can deal with pain. Disregarding me for over a month and counting is just an insult... Whatever you scared of is just making it worse.

There is nothing more lonely than silence. In that, environment tends to magnify everything. Try to put yourself in my situation. Try to imagine what you have and are putting me through. Multiply that exponentially with every passing week.

I tend to torture myself over the things that I cannot change. The worst possible thing you can do to me, however, is leave me alone to my thoughts...

...and you have.

[x]something like that part 2.

http://www.sinfest.net/archive_page.php?comicID=2434

[x]what's the word for it... oh yeah.

You know, it took a few days to really nail down how I feel about the phone call from Jessica the other night.

The only word that comes to mind is - Amused.

I guess I'm not completely lost then.

[x]the subtle insanities!

Wow. Where to start.

1. Last night's phone call was... interesting to say the least.
2. I love the air, in spring. The sky is the only thing that makes me feel free.

even with all of the miles between us
the silence cuts the deepest
though, somehow
i'm there and you're here.

[x]Lame.

This would all end
we both knew
but for every step
the closer we got
that day seemed further and further away

Who am i to blame the syren
for smashing me into the rocks?
That's who she is
that's what this always was
even if I am in denial
of how it has to be.

[x]Attrition.

all of this
set into emotion
asking for my blessing
is like getting permission to break my heart
because you know that veil
might as well be a shroud

damned either way
the happiness I want for you
even if it isn't me
i swear i'll try to say
everything you want to hear
even if it makes me ill to lie

the monster soliciting
knocks on the door
i'll sit here like a scolded child
afraid to move
how am i ever going to burn out
if i never shine?

the saving grace
oh sweet distraction
becaust it hurts to think
to eventually realize
that i'm completely destroyed

this war of attrition
because we both know
hurting me hurts you and vice versa
so where does that leave us?
do i even try to fake it?
do i find another lose cause?

can i look you in the eyes anymore?
can you even look in mine?
widespread panic within me
when i feel like you're gone
when you haven't even left yet

[x]gone.

Relevant - "Dig" by Incubus (Light Grenades)

We all have someone that digs at us,
At least we dig each other
So when sickness turns my ego up
I know you'll act as a clever medicine.
If I turn into another
Dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me.
Sing this song!
Remind me that we'll always have each other
When everything else is gone.
Oh each other....
When everything
Else is gone.

This has been a somber week. So here is something somber.

You strapped on your angels wings and left
I don't know why part of me died
this particular time
You feel farther away than you are
when you are gone
so is the fight in me

[x]when everyone is gone...

i had you in winter
only to be gone in the spring
getting on that plane
maybe you will be lost to the desert
if you make it back
the crutch
the mirror
may not survive the trip

[x]RIP Drew Hayes.

Received from Sirius Entertainment, Inc

"Sirius Entertainment is saddened to report that Drew Hayes, the maverick creator of POISON ELVES, has died in his hometown of Bellingham, Washington. Drew had a heart attack while suffering from pneumonia. He is survived by his daughter, Mary and his mother, Sharon.

Drew had been hospitalized more than once over the last several years, but his return to good health had been anticipated, so the suddenness of his passing was an unexpected shock to those that knew him. Drew was 37 years old.

Drew Hayes entered the comic book field in 1991 by self-publishing his cult-hit series, I, LUSIPHUR. Over the next four years, he published twenty issues (collected in POISON ELVES: THE MULEHIDE YEARS trade paperback), changed the series title to POISON ELVES, and became known as one of the most singular and respected voices in the self-publishing world. In a bold transition, Hayes brought POISON ELVES under the Sirius Entertainment banner, where his creative freedom remained wholly intact. The last completed issue of the on-going series was issue #79, published by Sirius in September of 2004. Hayes’ total output has surpassed 100 issues, many of which are collected in the ten POISON ELVES trade paperbacks."

...

I don't really know what to say. POISON ELVES was one of my favorite comics, and has been sorely missed these last few years.

I met Drew a few (well more than a few) years ago at one of the local cons. Even though he was a pretty imposing figure, he was a very nice person. We talked to him for over an hour, and he was willing to sign everything.

What I really appreciated most about his work was his ability to translate emotion into his art and story. I can really relate to that.

You will be missed man. :(

[x]the fading inevitable.

my biggest fear
is having my voice lost
in the throes
of your adoration

your ability
to intoxify me into clarity
makes it strange that your desire
is exchanged for my own

this tunnel vision
so narrow a focus
if only you would hang on my every word
as i hang on your every breath

go ahead and deny the spark
because we both saw the fuse lit
seperate in facing
the slow burn of the fading inevitable