[x]Where are you?

Where am I?

[x]Bronto Begins

"Katie Holmes is a respectable, wholesome girl... and I'm going to see her boobs." - Harold and Kumar go to white castle.

Speaking of which. Err... OKAY I ADMIT IT... I looked up Katie Holmes's boobs on the internet. Googled and then oogled. Gimme a break I am dude. Ahem.

What I meant to say (in regards to HAKGTWC)was Paula Garces is absolutely gorgeous.

Just give me long dark hair, and dark eyes... and I am all set.

What else...

I've been writing... well sort of. Jotting down alot of ideas here and there, taking voice records on my phone. When I started after getting home from Florida, it was all really dark. There has been a shift in my personality, and I am not sure where it will take me.

I need to post some.

[x]R.I.P. deadpixel.org 2000 - 2005.

...just kidding.

This is really crazy.

It's not that I do not have alot to say, it's that I have TOO MUCH to write here and I don't know where to start.

BBL.

[x]MY NEW EMPIRE.

Episode III was AWESOME.

If you are going to press play - "Anakin's Betrayal, Anakin vs. Obi-Wan, Anakin's Dark Deeds" Tracks 4, 9, and 10 on the Revenge of the Sith OST.

Favorite part: Anakin flipping out and absolutely losing his mind.
1. LIAR!
2. YOU TURNED HER AGAINST ME!
3. YOU WILL NOT TAKE HER FROM ME!
4. You will try...
5. My new empire...

The final duel vs. Obi-Wan gave me goosebumps... Seriously it is the only thing that really affected me in all 3 of the prequels. John Williams (who wrote the score) is a genius.

Least favorite part: Anything with Natalie Portman. She is hot but now I realize that she was a crappy choice for her character. The wooden relationship between her and Hayden Christensen wasn't just bad writing. Because you BUY bad writing if the actors pull it off.

Also I have decided to disregard Episode I, and look at is as nothing more than a warmup for the real story. I can't even watch it anymore, except for 5 minutes of it. Darth Maul was cool, the duel at the end was cool, but everything else pretty much sucked. The vast majority of the movie is a joke of a kid's film.

I'll try spinning! That's a neat trick! *!@#)!#Q$!@#$(*@#)$)@#*$

Jar-Jar, Natalie Portman, anything Jake Lloyd does or says, and stupid CGI droid/gungan battle aside, the prequel trilogy wasn't that bad. I blame the list above, because I can live with poor dialogue as long as it is delivered convincingly. Maybe George Lucas should have had the older Anakin down before casting Padme (She had no charisma with Hayden). Kiera Knightly would have been a better choice I think.

Oh well. It's all over and there is no use crying over spilled milk. But going from Episode I to III is like raping my childhood and giving me a lollipop after.

However, the end of Episode III has just gotten to me (the final duel) - It has become probably my favorite Star Wars moment. Don't get me wrong, I still love the original trilogy... I just identify more with Anakin than Luke.

[x]LORD BRONTO.... *YES MASTER*..... RISE....

STAR WARS EPISODE III in 7 hours!!! w00t!

[x]Pain as pleasure.

The new Nine Inch Nails album With Teeth has pretty much asserted itself as the soundtrack of my life right now...

So go get it.

The standout tracks are 1, 2, 4, 6 and 13 (My favorite) so far. Here are the most relevant.

1 - All the love in the world - Envy.

No one's heard a single word I've said
They don't sound as good outside my head
It looks as if the past is here to stay
I've become a million miles a--

Why do you get all the love in the world?

2 - "You know what you are" - Beth.

DON'T YOU FUCKING KNOW WHAT YOU ARE!
DON'T YOU FUCKING KNOW WHAT YOU ARE!

6 - "Everyday is exactly the same" - Job.

I believe I can see the future,
because I repeat the same routine.

13 - "Right where it belongs" - Soul.

See the animal in his cage that you built,
Are you sure what side you're on?
Better not look him too closely in the eye,
Are you sure what side of the glass you are on?
See the safety of the life you have built,
Everything where it belongs
Feel the hollowness inside of your heart,
And it's all...right where it belongs

What if everything around you,
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you think you know,
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection,
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks,
Would you find yourself...find yourself afraid to see?

What if all the world's inside of your head?
Just creations of your own
Your devils and your gods all the living and the dead
And you really oughta know
You can live in this illusion
You can choose to believe
You keep looking but you can't find the ones,
Are you hiding in the trees?

What if everything around you,
Isn't quite as it seems?
What if all the world you used to know,
Is an elaborate dream?
And if you look at your reflection,
Is it all you want it to be?
What if you could look right through the cracks,
Would you find yourself...find yourself afraid to see?

I haven't been this affected by an album since Staind's "Dysfunction" which probably saved my life... Once again I find myself in a place where I am dealing with alot of things internally... I just need to write and get it all out.

The anger of frustration.

With Teeth is just so dark... As odd as it sounds the darker and more hopeless something is, the better it makes me feel.

[x]Onyxia has been slain!

I guess there isn't much left to do in wOw that I have time for.

[239]Countdown.

239 days...

[x]Straylight Run concert.

Dammit I lost my original entry...

I took Margarita to the Straylight Run concert tonight at the Majestic Theater in downtown Detroit. We arrived late but still caught two of the opening bands - Honorary Title and Minus the Bear. Both were really good.

Straylight Run was GREAT. I have been into their album for a while now, and they sounded excellent live. One song stood out in particular to me, as the lyrics sounded really familiar:

So, if you are going to press play - "For the Best" by Straylight Run

it takes more time than i've ever had
drains the life from me
makes me want to forget
as young as i was, i felt older back then
more disciplined, stronger and certain
but i was scared to death of eternity
i was saved by grace
but destroyed by naivety
and i lied to myself
and said it was for the best
so now faith is replaced with a logic so cold
i've disregarded what i was
now that i'm older
and i know much more than i did back then
but the more i learn
the more i can't understand
and i've become content with this life that i lead
where i drink to much and don't believe in much of anything
and i lie to myself
and say it's for the best.
we're moving forward, but holding ourselves back
and we're waiting on something that will never come

[x]Florida III (obituary PS).

If you are going to press play - "Failed" by Joseph Arthur (Our shadows will remain)

Now you're gone, and I don't know why
You removed yourself in the blink of an eye
When the seasons change, all you can do is cry
Now you're gone, and I don't know why

Maybe I failed, maybe I failed

I will admit, I am glad I went. The call was made merely hours before departure... The convincing my argument was my roomate saying "When are you going to get another vacation?"

So my parents, chelz and kevin, and I went. With the 5 of us I was the odd man out.

Which dawned on me on the trip down. An overwhelming wave of loneliness hit me pretty square and pretty quick. When I finally got my mp3 player working (damn bios reset) I just started zoning out into the music (Mr. Brightside again by The Killers)... Never really lost conciousness, and before leaving at 3 am I didn't sleep. At about 36 hours of being awake... The hallucination cleared and it came to me.

I really miss Beth

The last time the two of us really talked was before valentine's day in Feb. I had said maybe 2 things to her between that and St. Patty's, where I went out with everyone and said maybe 3 things to her before bailing home.

So I talked to her on AIM on my phone, and sent her some text messages... Nothing really happened (she didn't like what I wrote about her) but I was in contact with her again and happy.

When we finally settled in the condo, after a day or so I was just feeling kind of empty. Kind of like a black hole in the pit of my stomach. Not sure if it was my mom having my dad or chelz having kevin... Just felt kind of detached. All I could do was try and shove that way down inside as usual. I just couldn't get my mind off of her... I would have given anything to have her there...

I really miss Beth, and I think I love her.

When I admitted that to myself, it just kind of tore me up inside. I promised myself I wouldn't ever repeat the same mistake I made again... Falling for someone in an impossible situation. Love is hope in the face of inevitability I always say... and soon enough inevitability came crashing home.

As I pondered the similarity to what happened with Kelly waiting in line for a ride, I decided to call her (Kelly). With no answer I left a voicemail, but ended up calling her later that night and talking for a bit. Everything ended so abruptly with her, and I got the closure I wanted... Even if we never talk again (i doubt we will) I think the air was cleared and there are no hard feelings anymore.

The last night at the condo I picked up my book and wrote 8 poems with not much of a break in between. Now that might not seem like much, but my normal level of inspiration leads me to 2 or 3 over the course of a month.

The following day we were staying with some of my mom's friends and I once again picked up the book and wrote another 9. I had internet access on a laptop there, and ended up talking to Beth for a decent amount of time.

I just wanted things to go back to the way they were around New Year's. I wanted to be friends again like that instead of the awkwardness we have had since it all fell apart... I told her that...

... No one can ever accuse Beth of leading me on. Any hope of rekindling that was dashed pretty much immediately, for the sake of her friendship with my sister (her words, not mine).

...

So this is where that leaves me. It's a few days later and I have been putting off writing this since I got back.

The conversation ended on a somewhat positive level. Closure was there to be had, and at this point I doubt we will ever speak again on any significant level. Anything said will probably just be the polite hellos and goodbyes that any illusion of friendship would require. All of this makes me really sad, and my poor heart feels like it's carrying around sandbags. :(

On the other hand, the way I feel doesn't make a difference to her anyway. Now I see it never would have. It's not that she's a bad person or anything, she just had her heart set on not giving it away at that time... What really gets to me is how much hope I had for something that was obviously dead in the water before it even got started.

Timing. Story of my life.

I think my heart needs a CATSCAN, because it's fucking crazy the way everything turns out.

It is such a weird feeling, all of the things I am feeling now being such an afterthought.