America...FUCK YEAH!

I just got back from Team America: World Police.

If you are going to press play - "Montage" from the TEAM AMERICA soundtrack. (Track 9)

It's absotively (yes I said absotively) INSANE. If you want to see puppets firing machine guns, having sex, and puking.... If you love montages...

-This movie is for you:

*Smirk*.

If you are going to press play - "Stumble and Pain" by Joseph Arthur (Album - Our Shadows Will Remain Track 3)

It's hard to stay alive if you don't know how to live.

My #1 Fan.

Joanna is someone who I talk to from time to time over the internet. She really likes what I write but I didn't she liked it THIS much.

It all started a week or so when she signed my guestbook:

Joanna: would you be upset to know that I tattooed on of your poems on my body?

So I had to email her about it. She responded:

I'm tryin to get a pic, but I don't have a digi cam, and my friend who has one is out of town. argh! but I will get a pic for you. it's your "love is the boy who cried wolf" poem, without the "you put your faith in lies" line (it just didn't fit the flow right), with a way rad heart outline thingy behind it.

at any rate, everyone who sees it either says "whoa, that's deep", or asks if I'm very bitter about love. HA. you rule.

~*~Joanna~*~

So at this point I was shocked and had to email her again to which she just wrote me:


still trying to get a pic to you. don't worry, i'll try and get it soon.

I've always wanted one of your poems tattooed on me. I told you long ago that I was in love with your words.

so that poem is written in this very cool half-scribble-half-cursive lettering, and the poem is over a two tone red firey heart outline thinger. its on my right calf, about the size of a hand. it is tres cool.

... Wow. That's totally sweet. I will definately post a picture when I get one.

My poor truck & American Mars.

If you are going to press play "Loneliness is murder" - by American Mars.

My day was going great. I was on my way home from work after getting off fairly early (2pm) when I proceeded to rear-end another car.

Boooo.

I barely did any damage to his vehicle but my poor truck got the fender bent in :( There is more to it than "I hit him" but it's not worth getting into. Anyway I got my truck home and now I have to get it fixed.

Actually worked out for me. When I went to see American Mars that night - I didn't have to drive. Margarita drove and I proceeded to get slightly (or not so slightly) intoxicated.

When American Mars finally took the stage - For about an hour or so I forgot about my accident. Which was nice. Worrying about getting it fixed sucks.

Once again they were great. I took some pictures. (I know they are blurry - maybe I should actually read the instructions for my digital camera).

After the show I talked to Thomas again (Vocals). We had been exchanging emails since seeing them with Joseph Arthur a few weeks ago. He's super cool and really humble, which definately gets me into the music more. I picked up the album "No city fun" at the show and it's great.

Anyways my favorite song of theirs is "Loneliness is murder" which you can download for free (cool). Definately worth checking out (more songs available at the site).

Finally current...

I have finally fixed my poetry page. I had left off in 2003, now everything I have written this year is in one place. This brings me pretty much up through Kelly and other relapses.

If I were to write a song...

If I'm going to miss someone... It might as well be someone worth missing.

If you are going to press play - "I Just Don't Think I'll Ever Get Over You"
by Colin Hay (Garden State OST track 5)

I drink good coffee every morning
Comes from a place that's far away
And when I'm done I feel like talking
Without you here there is less to say

I don't want you thinking I'm unhappy
What is closer to the truth
That if I lived til I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

I'm no longer moved to drink strong whisky
Cause I shook the hand of time and I knew
That if I lived, til I could no longer climb my stairs
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

Your face it dances, and it haunts me
Your laughter's still ringing in my ears
I still find pieces of your presence here
Even after all these years

But I don't want you thinking I don't get asked to dinner
Cause I'm here to say that I sometimes do
Even though I may soon feel the touch of love
I just don't think I'll ever get over you
If I lived til I was 102
I just don't think I'll ever get over you

Joseph Arthur Concert.

If you are going to press play - "Making Mistakes" by Joseph Arthur (duh) from the VACANCY album.

Making mistakes
to kill some time
Waking up with the shakes
and a poisoned mind
I know that you might
not feel the way I do
still I hope
you're gonna come around

I arrived at the show at just after 8pm with Andrea and Margarita. Who is Andrea? Well she is a girl from my class who happens to be from South Africa. It's fascinating to talk to a Non-American who lives here...

The opening band was American Mars - a local band that was really good and definately worth another look in the future. I met the lead singer after the show and he was really cool.

Around 9:30pm or so Joseph Arthur finally took the stage:

I don't want to say it was a BAD show... but he played 11 songs total, 10 of which I had never heard before. I don't know if it was new material or something, but the show was just marred by unfamiliarity. There were a few keyboard songs that were WAY too loud. Needless to say I am a bit disappointed (Being my 2nd or 3rd favorite artist maybe my expectations were a bit high).

Anyway, we had a really good time. In retrospect I'm glad I didn't bring Kelly. I need to follow the "Mollie" rule from now on - Don't bring someone you are unsure about to a concert which is important to you.

Over capacity.

With the purchase of the Star Wars Trilogy - I was out of shelf space for my dvd colletion. I just hit 158 movies...

Today (By some miracle) I designed and built a PIMP dvd shelf. I guess window installation and carpentry is starting to rub off on me.

Just like Jesus!

With a few empty shelves left, I estimate this will hold about 288 dvds (Less with box sets, etc.) but that should do me for AT LEAST another year or two.

Cost? $0 and 2 hours of my time. w00t.

Control.

Everything I saw was more beautiful than ever could have really been...

I held the door for a woman at the mall yesterday and she said to me "Thank you - there aren't many gentlemen left in the world" - it made me feel good.

What a weekend. Sept 11th came and went again. I got off at noon and didn't really accomplish anything.

Hump was suppose to be in town but I didn't hear from him (Kept my plans open until the last minute).

What I did do was hang out with Margarita. We went to Boomer's for a few drinks and then to the party store for a few more. Irony of all ironies - Kelly and my sister were waiting to go out when we got back to my house.

Margarita, meet Kelly. Kelly, meet Margarita. (Well I'm assuming they were introduced... I was a bit intoxicated). Anyway after an EXTREMELY quick dip in the pool (freezing) it was back in the house to watch MAN ON FIRE. Kelly and my sister leave and we watch the movie.

Fairly uneventful.

So after a few hours I sober up and take her home. We have this discussion about the current categorization of our relationship. Now - up until this point there was no categorization.

Due to recent events and circumstances I made the decision to finally label us after all of this time.

"That's never going to happen again"

Friends. That's all we are from here on out. It's just the way that it is going to have to be.

Okay, okay. Yes I am leaving out a ton of details but I am writing this for me so I will know exactly what I am talking about when I read this 5 years from now.

Here's the thing - On closer examination I realized on the trip taking her home that she has a measure of control over me. I'm not saying it's malicious but I am attracted to her and she knows it. The thing is - it's her decision on whether this is valid or returned... Depends on her mood, etc. She has the control over the situation on what happens and what does not happen. Not me.

Taking that a step further.

Kelly has the same thing. I waited and waited for her... and whatever future that has long since been annihilated was dependent on her. It was her decision what happened and didn't happen - not mine.

I can't turn off (god knows how much I try) how I feel about her. I cannot turn off my attraction to Margarita. It's part of our respective relationships - it's the building blocks where everything else started.

I'm sick of it.

Shouldn't a relationship be a two-way street? I remember a long time ago that my relationships were an even exchange (Well, I suppose that Sarah gave more than I did, and Madonna took more than she gave in the beginning) but at least there was an EXCHANGE.

Somewhere over the past few years I picked up a bad case of codependency. I guess I just feel a need to fill this void within.

I know that a year from now Kelly will be lopped into the same category as the other "blips on the radar" - Mollie, Kristin, etc. Everyting was special and beautiful and perfect and went absolutely nowhere. With Kelly I know there is something to salvage in there somewhere but I'm not ready for that yet. It's hard to take those steps back (even if I was apprently the only one who took them) because it feels like settling.

I suppose being a hopeless romantic is more hopeless than romantic.

Some days you just realize that things are bigger than your life.