I feel alive.
More so than I have felt in I don't remember how long. I have control over everything. My emotions, my money.
I have spent some time with Margarita lately, and things are different. It is at it were when I met her. How it should have been. I love talking to her... I mean really talking. It is nice to have someone to talk to, and I had never thought of that in the entire time I have been alone. All I have had is this... my journal. Which I love as well... But it is different.
She has come over the past few days, and we lay around, watch movies. As is our relationship.
...
I have seen Queen of the Damned 3 times now. Right now I have an addiction to song # 3 on the soundtrack. "System" - by - Chester Bennington Of Linkin Park
I can't stop listening to it.
Why is everything so fucking hard for me?
Keep me down-
to what you think
I should be
Must you tempt me
and provoke the ministry
Keep on trying
I'm not dying so easily
2.27.2002
2.22.2002
First off - I am sick. I think it is passing now, although I still have no voice. - Or maybe a grainy one at that.
Yesterday I slammed a whole bottle of cherry NYQUIL when I got home from work... I figured that I would just sleep the whole day. That my body would fix itself if I just hibernated for a day.
Things did not go according to plan.
Two hours after I laid down to sleep... My mom calls me and wants to go look at a computer for her. I talk to her on my cell phone, agree to go. I was kind of groggy at first from just waking. Then I sat up. My head was spinning. Not the room, my head. I would turn my head one way and everything would just keep going.
Regardless, I stumbled out the door as my mom picked me up. I spent the next few hours spinning... Then came home and went to bed.
"This is why I don't drink"
...
Second - Go see QUEEN OF THE DAMNED - it was great.
Stuart Townsend delivered a dead-on (no pun intended) performance as the vampire Lestat. Much more impressive than Tom Cruise in Interview with a Vampire. Aaliyah was great too. I don't care what all the naysayers say - Harry Knowles, my roomate Joe, etc. - This movie kicked ass. The music was placed perfectly. It had a great look and a feel to it.
Definately a solid 4 stars out of 5. This one is an owner, and I picked up the soundtrack after leaving the theater.
Yesterday I slammed a whole bottle of cherry NYQUIL when I got home from work... I figured that I would just sleep the whole day. That my body would fix itself if I just hibernated for a day.
Things did not go according to plan.
Two hours after I laid down to sleep... My mom calls me and wants to go look at a computer for her. I talk to her on my cell phone, agree to go. I was kind of groggy at first from just waking. Then I sat up. My head was spinning. Not the room, my head. I would turn my head one way and everything would just keep going.
Regardless, I stumbled out the door as my mom picked me up. I spent the next few hours spinning... Then came home and went to bed.
"This is why I don't drink"
...
Second - Go see QUEEN OF THE DAMNED - it was great.
Stuart Townsend delivered a dead-on (no pun intended) performance as the vampire Lestat. Much more impressive than Tom Cruise in Interview with a Vampire. Aaliyah was great too. I don't care what all the naysayers say - Harry Knowles, my roomate Joe, etc. - This movie kicked ass. The music was placed perfectly. It had a great look and a feel to it.
Definately a solid 4 stars out of 5. This one is an owner, and I picked up the soundtrack after leaving the theater.
2.17.2002
2.13.2002
One year.
One year since the last time I spoke Madonna. Since that last phone call... Her most prolific and final betrayal to me.
... and it was just another day.
She will never know the ongoing revenge I score, every time I wake up in the morning. For living my life, breathing. For having an unrelenting hope, a desire... To find something better than her. To be happy.
I know who and where I am now. More than ever.
Do you?
I hope you read this. Besides the embedded vindictiveness, I am the same person I have always been. I just hope that you fall as far as I will fly someday.
The sad part is... I would grant you the mercy that you could not spare to me.
I am better than what you are. I am better than what we had. Know this, and your eternal reward... shall be, regret.
One year since the last time I spoke Madonna. Since that last phone call... Her most prolific and final betrayal to me.
... and it was just another day.
She will never know the ongoing revenge I score, every time I wake up in the morning. For living my life, breathing. For having an unrelenting hope, a desire... To find something better than her. To be happy.
I know who and where I am now. More than ever.
Do you?
I hope you read this. Besides the embedded vindictiveness, I am the same person I have always been. I just hope that you fall as far as I will fly someday.
The sad part is... I would grant you the mercy that you could not spare to me.
I am better than what you are. I am better than what we had. Know this, and your eternal reward... shall be, regret.
2.08.2002
2.03.2002
Um.
Not sure what to think of this. "Dale" signed my guestbook as of the last entry, and I am not sure if it is a "shot" or not.
Does anybody ever answer you, John?
How are you sleeping these days?
-dale
-Feb 02 2002, 02:25 pm
Well. Dropslash then put "Answer" - so here goes.
1. Does anybody ever answer me?
Yes. They do occasionally. And to tell "you" the truth... I love the feedback. I don't write my journal or poetry for anyone in particular. I used to just think that I wrote my page for myself. To just collect my thoughts... But after people started to respond, I didn't mind knowing that I was sharing. Kill me if I want to be read.
I do not have alot of people to talk to. Yes, I have friends, but it is just different...
The past few years have been turbulent in my life. Alot has happened... Even though as I feel the worst has past - Sometimes I just need to get things out. Whether I do that here, or in my poetry.
Like I have constantly said, I am just trying to be honest with myself... To the best degree that I can, knowing that everyone, including me... Lie to themselves. We have to, to get by. And that, to me, is what faith is all about. Anyone remember beLIEve?
2. How am I sleeping these days?
Well, I am not sure how to take this one. If this is something negative... as if I should have guilt... I do not. I have done some very un-JOHN things in the past year or so. Things that make me, looking back... wonder who I was at the time. Doing things just for the sake of doing them. Being with people just because they were there. I am not going to name any names, but I know who the mistakes were. I am done making excuses for it.
I have vowed to not feel guilty, to not regret what has happened. It happened, and nothing I will ever say or do will change it. So I have moved on. Unfortunately, in losing regret, you have to take the good with the bad.
... But if this question is literal.
I am sleeping okay I guess. I stay up on average until 11pm or midnight. Usually I have to get up at 5am, so I do not get what most people would consider adequate sleep. It has always been that way with me, and I usually just "Go" as some people have said.
... Sort of on the same subject. I guess sometimes it would just be nice to not wake up alone.
With all everything coming up, and how I blow things way out of proportion... The way I am with blocks of time. One thing just still puzzles me, after all this time. At some point I had a solid connection with the different women I have loved. Both physically, and emotionally. To me these things do not waver... They are rock solid, permanent. And using that analogy, they can be said to have been eroded over time, but they never leave. The memory of how someone felt, in my heart, and touch. How they felt... These things will never leave me. And it makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it. How you can have something like that... something you think is going to last forever. Something you KNOW will.
Then it is gone. And you wonder if you will ever feel it again. You wonder, you hope, and you doubt.
...I wrote this earlier today.
i am addicted to
the wounds you inflicted
knowing i will forever bleed
the stigmata on my soul
solace in the fact
you are no more a goddess
than i am a god.
I dunno. I just hope someone isn't flaming my gbook again.
Not sure what to think of this. "Dale" signed my guestbook as of the last entry, and I am not sure if it is a "shot" or not.
Does anybody ever answer you, John?
How are you sleeping these days?
-dale
-Feb 02 2002, 02:25 pm
Well. Dropslash then put "Answer" - so here goes.
1. Does anybody ever answer me?
Yes. They do occasionally. And to tell "you" the truth... I love the feedback. I don't write my journal or poetry for anyone in particular. I used to just think that I wrote my page for myself. To just collect my thoughts... But after people started to respond, I didn't mind knowing that I was sharing. Kill me if I want to be read.
I do not have alot of people to talk to. Yes, I have friends, but it is just different...
The past few years have been turbulent in my life. Alot has happened... Even though as I feel the worst has past - Sometimes I just need to get things out. Whether I do that here, or in my poetry.
Like I have constantly said, I am just trying to be honest with myself... To the best degree that I can, knowing that everyone, including me... Lie to themselves. We have to, to get by. And that, to me, is what faith is all about. Anyone remember beLIEve?
2. How am I sleeping these days?
Well, I am not sure how to take this one. If this is something negative... as if I should have guilt... I do not. I have done some very un-JOHN things in the past year or so. Things that make me, looking back... wonder who I was at the time. Doing things just for the sake of doing them. Being with people just because they were there. I am not going to name any names, but I know who the mistakes were. I am done making excuses for it.
I have vowed to not feel guilty, to not regret what has happened. It happened, and nothing I will ever say or do will change it. So I have moved on. Unfortunately, in losing regret, you have to take the good with the bad.
... But if this question is literal.
I am sleeping okay I guess. I stay up on average until 11pm or midnight. Usually I have to get up at 5am, so I do not get what most people would consider adequate sleep. It has always been that way with me, and I usually just "Go" as some people have said.
... Sort of on the same subject. I guess sometimes it would just be nice to not wake up alone.
With all everything coming up, and how I blow things way out of proportion... The way I am with blocks of time. One thing just still puzzles me, after all this time. At some point I had a solid connection with the different women I have loved. Both physically, and emotionally. To me these things do not waver... They are rock solid, permanent. And using that analogy, they can be said to have been eroded over time, but they never leave. The memory of how someone felt, in my heart, and touch. How they felt... These things will never leave me. And it makes me sick to my stomach thinking about it. How you can have something like that... something you think is going to last forever. Something you KNOW will.
Then it is gone. And you wonder if you will ever feel it again. You wonder, you hope, and you doubt.
...I wrote this earlier today.
i am addicted to
the wounds you inflicted
knowing i will forever bleed
the stigmata on my soul
solace in the fact
you are no more a goddess
than i am a god.
I dunno. I just hope someone isn't flaming my gbook again.
2.01.2002
Well, I have been without internet access for the past few days... They shut off our cable modem to "upgrade" our service.
Ummmm... they forgot to send the new modem. Duh. Kind of hard to upgrade with no service....
...
Anyway... that is all solved now and we are all back online. I am playing Diablo II again... something to do.
... I am also writing again... So I should be posting some new stuff soon.
I am bored.. DAMMIT PEOPLE LEAVE FEEDBACK, AND FIND ME A GIRLFRIEND.
Ummmm... they forgot to send the new modem. Duh. Kind of hard to upgrade with no service....
...
Anyway... that is all solved now and we are all back online. I am playing Diablo II again... something to do.
... I am also writing again... So I should be posting some new stuff soon.
I am bored.. DAMMIT PEOPLE LEAVE FEEDBACK, AND FIND ME A GIRLFRIEND.
1.27.2002
As if a quiet storm approaching on the horizon... Feb. 12 is coming up. It will have been one year since the last time I talked to Madonna. That final phone call... How do I feel about it a year later? Truthfully it doesn't cross my mind a whole lot anymore. Nor does she, besides out of my usual thought process. I guess lately she has been, however. It does not bother me. Maybe I just don't like having unanswered questions about her, or wondering what her life is like now. In what sense should I care? Why do I bother at all?
Also - Feb. 14 is Valentine's day. Or the 2nd annual "Single person awareness day" :( It is hard to believe that I have been alone this long... I have not had an appreciable girlfriend in... hrmmmm... let me think. Probably around a year and a half. After years of being in serious relationships... one after another.
I have money, and I have gotten my life together in that time. I would say that relationships are bad for me, but I would be lying. I let my personal life destroy school on more than one occasion, and I do not wish to have it happen again. I don't think I will ever let it.
... Everything comes together, even as others fall apart.
You want most what you cannot have. Funny how what I do have I care little for. Well, in relation to other things. My lifestyle is comfortable...
I just have a few questions. Where are you? When are you?
I have given up the pursuit for now. If it happens, it happens... I just have other things to attend to.
Also - Feb. 14 is Valentine's day. Or the 2nd annual "Single person awareness day" :( It is hard to believe that I have been alone this long... I have not had an appreciable girlfriend in... hrmmmm... let me think. Probably around a year and a half. After years of being in serious relationships... one after another.
I have money, and I have gotten my life together in that time. I would say that relationships are bad for me, but I would be lying. I let my personal life destroy school on more than one occasion, and I do not wish to have it happen again. I don't think I will ever let it.
... Everything comes together, even as others fall apart.
You want most what you cannot have. Funny how what I do have I care little for. Well, in relation to other things. My lifestyle is comfortable...
I just have a few questions. Where are you? When are you?
I have given up the pursuit for now. If it happens, it happens... I just have other things to attend to.
1.22.2002
I have kept to myself for the past few days, barely saying a word to either of my room-mates. Why? I don't know... I just want to be alone, indefinately. I want a few days to relax, and to have some quiet time for myself. My door is closed.
I need to vent. Perhaps I will not feel this way in a week or so... Right now I do.
I am severely pissed off at Nykanen for crossing me... Funny how he is the one who made me define what I am... Vindictive - think "vendetta". His correcting my grammar and just being a general asshole has come to a head, and I need a few days away to make sure I can continue to live in the same house. I cannot stand it when he corrects my grammar. I know what I mean, he knows what I mean... Sorry that I use words like "unique" loosely. It is times like this that make me remember that the differences between us outweigh the few things we do have in common. And, for being older than I am, he does not know how to conduct himself in public.
This would be the right word.
Ostracize - (os'tre siz'), v.t., -cized, ciz-ing. 1. to exclude, by general consent, from society, privileges, etc. 2. to banish (a person) from his native country; expatriate. 3. (in ancient Greece) to banish (a citizen) temporarily by a popular vote.
No longer am I concerned on how some of my "Friends" want to live their lives. Or how they justify it.
...
Just ran out of room on my dvd shelf. I now have 47 dvds. :)
That is alot. I bought PULP FICTION yesterday, and RESIVOIR DOGS today. As a matter of fact, I am bidding on a "Bad MotherF*cker" wallet on ebay. So that way I can say (When asked which wallet is mine) "The one that says BAD MOTHERF*CKER on it!"
What else.
Right now I am listening to "Skym" by Underworld, from their "Beaucoup Fish" album.
Quite calm pervaded
I couldn't go through this again
You say you love her
you know you her
You never want to without her
you say you never want to hurt her
you know you hurt her.
... Found out that HUM broke up a few years back... Damn, now I will never get to see them live. I have been listening to "You'd prefer an astronaut" - it is an astounding album... It takes you to a place... nowhere specific, just somewhere ELSE.
Anywhere but here - As I sometimes tell myself.
I need to vent. Perhaps I will not feel this way in a week or so... Right now I do.
I am severely pissed off at Nykanen for crossing me... Funny how he is the one who made me define what I am... Vindictive - think "vendetta". His correcting my grammar and just being a general asshole has come to a head, and I need a few days away to make sure I can continue to live in the same house. I cannot stand it when he corrects my grammar. I know what I mean, he knows what I mean... Sorry that I use words like "unique" loosely. It is times like this that make me remember that the differences between us outweigh the few things we do have in common. And, for being older than I am, he does not know how to conduct himself in public.
This would be the right word.
Ostracize - (os'tre siz'), v.t., -cized, ciz-ing. 1. to exclude, by general consent, from society, privileges, etc. 2. to banish (a person) from his native country; expatriate. 3. (in ancient Greece) to banish (a citizen) temporarily by a popular vote.
No longer am I concerned on how some of my "Friends" want to live their lives. Or how they justify it.
...
Just ran out of room on my dvd shelf. I now have 47 dvds. :)
That is alot. I bought PULP FICTION yesterday, and RESIVOIR DOGS today. As a matter of fact, I am bidding on a "Bad MotherF*cker" wallet on ebay. So that way I can say (When asked which wallet is mine) "The one that says BAD MOTHERF*CKER on it!"
What else.
Right now I am listening to "Skym" by Underworld, from their "Beaucoup Fish" album.
Quite calm pervaded
I couldn't go through this again
You say you love her
you know you her
You never want to without her
you say you never want to hurt her
you know you hurt her.
... Found out that HUM broke up a few years back... Damn, now I will never get to see them live. I have been listening to "You'd prefer an astronaut" - it is an astounding album... It takes you to a place... nowhere specific, just somewhere ELSE.
Anywhere but here - As I sometimes tell myself.
1.20.2002
She's got colors to spare, and I don't care,
what they do - Hum "Why I like the Robins"
I lost interest in 2 out of the 3 women in my life this week...
Number One - Ann Marie - It is just never going to happen. Perhaps it should, as I have never found someone more compatable. She is smart, beautiful, has her life together, asian (heh)... What more could I ask for in a girl? I just cannot bring myself to cross that line with her. I do not have the heart. Better to leave things as they are than screw them up. In the future, who knows... I have always left that possibility open with her. She seems happy with who she is with, and I am beginning to appreciate her being so oblivious to how I feel about her. I care too much about her, and value her friendship to interfere. I like spending time with her, but I hate the feeling of guilt that accompanies it. We have been spending less and less time together as of late, and seeing her at the club last week with her BF... I just need a bit of time to re-evaluate things. Sometimes I would look at her, actually quite a few... and I would ask myself "Does she know?" I still do not know the answer.
Number Two - Margarita. She is smart, fun, beautiful... I know now that you cannot have your cake and eat it too. She trusts me... I shouldn't tamper with that. "She'll always be mine, always and never" - Sin City. In a way I have always felt something for her, but I suppose I have just crossed over into the "Friend Zone" one two many times. When she spent the night last week, and as she was laying there... Well it is just nice to have someone there sometimes. But I don't want her to be just that. I don't want her to be a pseudo-girlfriend. I have more respect for her than that. All I can do is try and take care of her. I have been her shoulder to cry on more than once... and every time it is because of some asshole who does not know what he has. It kills me to see her like that. And I tell her that she is better than that. That she deserves better. She knows I mean me, but I fear that she cares too much about me to take that next step. Maybe someday, probably not.
Number Three - Emily. Not much to say as of yet. She is a bit younger than me, and I think we hit it off pretty well. I just don't know where any of it is going, and I have the suspicion that it is dead in the water already. Probably my fault as well. I am interested, but I feel awkward a bit. I mean, I cannot remember the last girl I "dated". I have just gone from one serious relationship to another... And when it wasn't a relationship, it was... something else. Something that I never want to be a part of again. It is hard to start from scratch. Especially now. Perhaps counting your chickens can work both ways.
...
I guess inside you can offer the world to anyone, but they have to know you are offering, and they have to accept.
...
...I am not living a tragedy anymore.
what they do - Hum "Why I like the Robins"
I lost interest in 2 out of the 3 women in my life this week...
Number One - Ann Marie - It is just never going to happen. Perhaps it should, as I have never found someone more compatable. She is smart, beautiful, has her life together, asian (heh)... What more could I ask for in a girl? I just cannot bring myself to cross that line with her. I do not have the heart. Better to leave things as they are than screw them up. In the future, who knows... I have always left that possibility open with her. She seems happy with who she is with, and I am beginning to appreciate her being so oblivious to how I feel about her. I care too much about her, and value her friendship to interfere. I like spending time with her, but I hate the feeling of guilt that accompanies it. We have been spending less and less time together as of late, and seeing her at the club last week with her BF... I just need a bit of time to re-evaluate things. Sometimes I would look at her, actually quite a few... and I would ask myself "Does she know?" I still do not know the answer.
Number Two - Margarita. She is smart, fun, beautiful... I know now that you cannot have your cake and eat it too. She trusts me... I shouldn't tamper with that. "She'll always be mine, always and never" - Sin City. In a way I have always felt something for her, but I suppose I have just crossed over into the "Friend Zone" one two many times. When she spent the night last week, and as she was laying there... Well it is just nice to have someone there sometimes. But I don't want her to be just that. I don't want her to be a pseudo-girlfriend. I have more respect for her than that. All I can do is try and take care of her. I have been her shoulder to cry on more than once... and every time it is because of some asshole who does not know what he has. It kills me to see her like that. And I tell her that she is better than that. That she deserves better. She knows I mean me, but I fear that she cares too much about me to take that next step. Maybe someday, probably not.
Number Three - Emily. Not much to say as of yet. She is a bit younger than me, and I think we hit it off pretty well. I just don't know where any of it is going, and I have the suspicion that it is dead in the water already. Probably my fault as well. I am interested, but I feel awkward a bit. I mean, I cannot remember the last girl I "dated". I have just gone from one serious relationship to another... And when it wasn't a relationship, it was... something else. Something that I never want to be a part of again. It is hard to start from scratch. Especially now. Perhaps counting your chickens can work both ways.
...
I guess inside you can offer the world to anyone, but they have to know you are offering, and they have to accept.
...
...I am not living a tragedy anymore.
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