[x]the end.

the words - they come and go as they please
it's not something i ever have control over
keeping me up some nights, not letting me sleep
not until i give them the form they desire
sometimes i let the exhaustion win
only to feel as though my genius was left to dreams
so now i try to get every last word
because my night writing is to hope as my days are to despair
so much as a letter escapes me when i go chasing them
and thus luckily i cannot force myself to write
it's a good thing too when i cannot find the words
because i am the harshest critic of their authenticity
i write simply because i have to 
the only want involved is to purge and give this away
time doesn't heal all wounds 
you just get used to bearing the scars
the shadow is something i will never escape
and i have come to terms with that
there are days where i could almost feel myself dying
until i remind myself that life is for the living
out of pain i scribe in spite of the four
within my soul i can feel pestilence, war, famine and my old friend
though it remains to be seen what the pale horse will claim first
the end of my life or the end of my words?
truly - I do not fear you, my old friend
only never being heard, or never being found
being as self aware and as human as they come
I i know the only immortal part of me can be voice
there are things that i know in my temerity
the last thing a every poet pulls from the well 
is an empty bucket
so i have to wonder - how finite is my expression?
one way or another, someday I will be gone
someday who i am will be forgotten
yet if my my poetry is ever over
someone please remember - to turn on the lights

...so i can find my way to the end

[x]rubber band.

maybe i stretched it too far or too long
because the past snaps back like a rubber band into the present
and when the shock wears off
the life that i am living starts to feel vaugely like my own
i've lost track of the times
that i had given up hope
walking around every single day with my shadow 
following me like a perpetual chalkline
it's hard to reconcile now
the sequence of events
all i remember is fighting my way out of the rain
for a single victory among a sea of losses
i know now that one less drop of blood
or maybe one less tear in the process
and maybe none of this would have ever come to pass...
but that doesn't make it hurt any less
this has to be some kind of cruel joke
becuase it's distressingly hilarious
that when life decides to come and get me
i seem to have forgotten how to be found
sadly - because things are going so good
that i cannot help but look over my shoulder
in a conditioned anticipation - 
of letting it all be taken away
maybe my eyes are still closed
out of fear of them not being able to adjust if i open them
i'm stuck in a place with people screaming
telling me the lights are finally on
i hope someday that i can learn to accept happiness
for the life that i sometimes feel is not mine
because everything that just snapped back
feels like something that was stolen from me

[x]The soundtrack and the rogues gallery.

All of the greatest hits of my ex's 
are married and gone
Even some of the B-sides
Even some of the one-hit wonders
So here I am, 34 and alone
even my rogues gallery seems to have found permanent henchmen
All of my best battles behind me - 
and I myself seem to have trouble just holding on to a sidekick 
I know for the majority of them
the only thing worse than not having them
Is being stuck with them
for the rest of my life
Yet when there is no one to look forward to
I cannot help but look back
Back to when my battles with my arch enemies
were broadcasted in black and white
United in common cause
simply to bring me down
I am thankful that their chaos in my life has died down
as my former debris have settled
I have eluded their capture
yet in being so free I am even more imprisoned
I do not miss any of them or the time we shared
yet I cannot help but wonder
if bullet dodging is my super power
and yet my kryptonite as well

[x] The contrast of desire and pain.

Every girl that has either come or gone
has instilled, and left me with one of two things-
When things are good it's all about desire and gain
when things are bad it's all about loss and pain
And when that picture gets more and more refined
from every victory and even more defeat
When you lay one over the other-
it results in the portrait of a perceived perfection
The chaos, white noise, drama of the background
just makes me long for the person
Who becomes, one battle at a time
clearer and clearer in the forefront
She made me want her
simply because I couldn't have her anymore
Such a simple devastation
to such a complex salvation
She knows and is sorry that we could not free each other
regardless if we bothered to try
She was my victory and then she up and left
before we even had the chance to get started
My only spoils in this war
are the things she couldn't take with her
My only trophy - the certainty
of her knowing that I was the one that claimed her first
She was such a long time coming
and such a short time going
that time neither seems to relent nor pass
refusing to let me move on in this time of peace
If I cannot have her then I need someone to save me from myself
because I am going to love her
until someone else claims and forces me to love them instead
and I am more than welcome to it

[x] The Ostrich and the lightest dark.

I could see from afar 
the red flags as they hung from crosses
So in hindsight I ask myself now
why did I even bother?
While contemplating atonement
I see an echo of my past in her heart
and this particular time the arrogant hero
decides to offset these things that he has done- 
Way back when I had to save my own soul
I had to find the lightest dark to do it
Yet to try and save her
I needed to show her the darkest light instead
Yet she would have none of it
and on my honor I would not press
So there we stood, polar opposites
her shroud was bliss and numbness
My hand outstretched and hers unwilling 
or unable to reach beyond her bubble
Something in me turned off when I watched her cry
when I watched her bury her head and heart in the sand
I wanted to yell at her
There is no redemption when you are an ostrich
You can only run, and run, and run, and run-
and never ever fly 
So to pre-empt my own pain
I pushed her bubble away...
I do not have the ability to chase anymore
and even if I did I could not keep the pace

[x]Control.
these aren't monthly meetups
this is a monthly support session 
so that i don't go crazy
when i speak a language that fear 99% of the world hears 
but doesn't truly understand
trying to justify - 
if love is what dragged me under
then maybe a little hate will keep me afloat
so i am not sure
am i the recovering hero?  or am i the recovering villain? 
i'm just trying to get past the first step
and these are hard lessons to learn
when i'm still a gentleman
ashamed that i am capable of being ruthless
but make no mistake
just because i would never raise a hand to a woman
doesn't mean i sure as hell wouldn't withdraw it
and leave you to settle with the masses 
this is control as a defense mechanism
this is flight as fight
and i am not thing more than caught up in a war with myself
someone, anyone - 
just please grab me and slow me down
i just want, need - someone to break me in a good way
save me from myself
and this armor that i have been wearing so long
that I forgot how to take it off
because i know am in pain
but lost on the wound underneath
lamenting the present 
is just mourning the future in disguise
and when the ones that i love
don't light the way anymore
it's time to extinguish these old flames one by one
and as everything get dimmer and dimmer
just keep telling myself over and over
that i see better in the dark anyway

[x]The spots in her eyes.

I haven't seen her in forever - 
she sits across from me
I smile, she laughs, we play our parts
I try to be witty and clever
we function 
as if no time has passed
I can't even look at her
for fear of being caught staring
Yet those spots in her eyes see right through me
and bring out the things that I've tried to hide
I try to reason out 
if she's more dangerous than beautiful
my eloquence always seems to fail me
in this, with her, in the real world
mercifully she never presses
she just knows
That this is a conversation that is ongoing
like a subplot in our lives
I wish I could just tell her that I love her
just to see the reaction in her eyes
...but this is an exercise in restraint
one that we never dare speak of aloud
lest we give form to the tempest again
the way she handles me - 
I could swear she's part animal
yet this politeness only magnifies the tension
everything between us has always been so raw, so unrefined
she is the only storm I would ever let take me
this is longing without the specifics
she tears me apart as much as she puts me together
when our eyes meet it actually hurts
and I feel bad when I think she realizes that
because there is nothing that can be done - 
when I care too much to interrupt her life
for the sheer sake of want
so there she goes again, out of my life for who knows how long
and when she leaves
she goes back to being the only could've been
that I actually wish was

41027190

[x]Tombstone.

Every time I go home
it becomes less and less so
Here are my loved ones
and more so, the ones I used to love
when I stopped looking
This place dared to move on without me
like some unkempt graveyard
all wild and overgrown
I'm not here anymore to keep the grounds and affairs in order
and now the ghosts run amok
like the one that just walked past me
this is deja-vu in real time
as I suffer the moment again long ago
the one that changed everything
now just one of many tombstones
in this cemetery of a place where I used to live
where i'm buried with the rest of them
at least the parts of me 
that are dead and gone
to the ones i left behind

[x]Digital Ghost.

Emails, chat sessions, voice mails
I'm hearing her say she loves me
and in that moment
I know she meant it
With a click of a button
as many times I can take
I can be as much of both a 
Sadist and a Masochist to myself at the same time
This isn't a photograph, letter, or recording
Or something else
that is both designed and meant to fade
These are things that cannot be lost or burned or discarded-
Sure, I could hit the delete button
to make her stop haunting me in binary
- in megapixels and MP3's
But I am too scared - 
not of her digital ghost
but of accepting the fact
that I am too much of a coward
to walk away from the only place
where she is still alive

[x]Year in review 2012.

Paul Banks - "Summertime is coming" (Album - Banks)

Can we waste some more time, just colliding in space -

no matter how high we set the bar.

I've been in Florida for 5 years now.  Yeah, I know - crazy.  Seems like so long ago that I moved down here.  MI seems so far away.  I miss my family and friends sometimes, but I am not as homesick as I used to be.  I've been on my own a lot lately (well, with Cody) - to try and get some things figured out.  I think I am doing a pretty good job. 

2012 ended up being a year of upgrades.  Job, location, car.  :)

Without further delay - Here is my 2012 Year in review...

HHN - Halloween Horror Nights - Got pretty involved in the event this year.  Followed all of the developments - Spent a lot of time on the HHNrumors site (and bought the t-shirt to support the site).  Went 9-10 times (I think it blurs together) - Took one of tours, got a blinky cup (Thanks Lindsay).  Was kind of bummed when Margarita didn't get to come down due to my scheduling :( - there is always better hope for this year.  Next year I am getting the express pass - waiting way too long in too many lines this year.  Might go less days in 2013, will pretty much break even in haunt volume. I've gone every years since I have been down here.  It was insanely busy this year, which kind of took away from the fun.  This year will be better.

The Women - Was kind of a quiet year on the girl front.  

Meredith - I met Meredith at a film festival to see the shitty movie "Lovely Molly".  I don't know if anything was ever meant to come of it, but it's nice to have a movie buddy (and someone to talk to).  I admire how passionate she is about a lot of things, because it reminds me of something that I have lost in myself.

Lindsay - Lindsay was the only girl I officially dated in 2012, red flags and all.  She was a proximity girl.  I don't really have anything negative to say about Lindsay.  We were just fundamentally different.  I think if she would have possessed the ability to allow our relationship to evolve (In all aspects) - we could have been okay.  We had some fun, she just didn't read the Scorpio manual.

Sue - Oh, the legendary Sue.  I remember when Eva first mentioned her years ago when we were at EBG.  I have seen her in passing - but we never really got to hang out until opening night at Halloween Horror Nights this year.  She came out of nowhere and volunteered to go with me - I will admit, we rocked it out and (unlike every other time I went to HHN) - got to do everything.  We got to hanging out here and there for a bit.  She reminds me a lot of my friendship with Margarita in MI.  She has the same type of dangerous beauty.  

There are others.  There have been some girls down here that I have been in love with (apparently I love everyone) - that I decided to let go of towards the end of this year.  They probably didn't even know it.  Maybe they did, who knows.  One thing I learned is that loving a lot of women a little DOES NOT add up to loving one person the way that I want to, even if the percentage ends up being the same.

Work - At the end of 2011, I was miserable working for Comcast.  Capped off by having to work NYE until midnight.  I told myself I needed to get out of there.  The job quickly started to stress and burn me out towards the beginning of 2012.  Thankfully, a friend who I had worked before (Both at Barnes & Noble and Comcast) - got me into the help desk at MFRMLS. For the first time in a long time, I have a good job that pays well, that I am good at, and I get to do something that I love.  I love the company and I am really lucky to be there.  Everyone is great, it's like a family.

Home - I spent most of 2012 living on the west side of Orlando (Near Metrowest).  While I was thankful to have a roof over my head , as the year wore on it started to stress me out.  The location, the commute, a lot of things.  At one point we started to put some effort into the house to make it a little easier to live in - it quickly regressed back to the previous state.  That was really hard.  For the most part, I liked the people that I lived with - but it was too many people in too small a space.   Finally it dawned on me that some people are just set in their ways, and it isn't my responsibility to change that.  It just became too much and I started to look for somewhere in a nicer area that was closer to my work in Maitland.  I lucked out and moved in with Stephen and Christine in the college park area, exactly one exit down from where I work.  It's nice having a 8 minute commute.  It's closer, MUCH quieter (on the end of a dead-end street), in a nicer area, way more cost effective, less people (Actually, my housemates are barely home it seems).  This situation is much better for me and Cody for now.

The Car - I fought my 92 Honda Accord all year long.  I was told the car's name was "Kiera" when I got it.  Well she was a complete bitch of a money pit.  Almost every single month the car broke down for something - it was my reasoning that you can only replace so many parts on an older car before it's newer - but it just kept dying on me.  Finally the transmission went (Again) and after a month long ordeal where the problem somehow got WORSE - I decided to get a new(er) car, a 2009 Pontiac G6 on October 30th - so I named it D.N.  The entire reasoning behind owning my own car was to avoid a car payment, but honestly I was dumping $300-$400 a month into the thing anyway and couldn't rely on it.


RESOLUTIONS 2012 - 

1. Get some kind of direction. Any nudge would be great.   Upgrades!
2. Get healthier, I laid the groundwork for losing more weight and feeling better overall. I need to cut down on the Red Vines :)  Cut down on the red vines.  Feeling better than I did in 2011.
3. Figure this job thing out. Get out of a call center - somehow, someway.  Sure did.  MFRMLS is the best thing to happen to me job-wise since I moved to FL.
4. Find someone. There is only really one girl that I know right now that I would date (yes, you) - but I might need to meet someone else who I don't know yet.  Thought for a fleeting moment that I had found someone - but alas it didn't appear to be sustainable.
5. Let things go. I need to let many loose plot threads in my life go.  I did a lot of letting go, still working on the rest of it.

RESOLUTIONS 2013 - 

1.  Kick even more ass at my job. 
2.  Try get a little more discipline and get myself healthier.  Cut down on soda, etc.
3.  Try to write more - if it's movie reviews or poems, get some more words out there.
4.  Find someone so I don't have to spend the next New Year's Eve alone.  Well, not JUST for that reason.
5.  Get some breathing room financially.
6.  Do HHN right this year, maybe even HOS.

Special Thanks - Mike for all of the rides when my car was down.  Luis for getting me into MFRMLS.  To my friends for being there.