[x]Changes.

when you are gone
you always feel further away
than you really are
take my heart with you when you go
i don't want to feel anything
when you leave me alone
without you

[x]Difficulty.

It's really hard to tell someone that you don't want them to contact you anymore. Especially after you realize that you do really miss them in your life, and that deep down you still love them and wish that somehow it could work out.

Jessica called (drunk dialed) me a bit ago for the first time since October. The conversation was at the very least odd but it opened up an old wound in me. After that long of no communication between us, I was doing fine. In an out of sight, out of mind kind of way I was doing better. Then she called and everything came crashing down.

I realize now that I do miss her in my life, and I miss being with her. It's just unfortunate that things played out they way that they have. It was really hard to tell her that we shouldn't talk anymore. I do still love her and I miss what we had in the time that we were in the same place.

Due to recent situations, I now know the value of having something... tangible.

I try not to regret moving down here. My life has improved vastly in ways that she will never understand. With the original plan she should have been down here by now and we should have been starting our life together.

So, Jessica if you are reading this. I'm sorry. I really am and if there was any way that we could have made it work I would have been willing to try.

[x]detriment and eloquence part I.

I haven't posted anything lately. Any normal thoughts anyway. If you are, in fact reading this... everything over the past month has been poetry and song lyrics.

I'm so lost.

It all started with a kiss. Then I couldn't sleep (literally) for weeks. I have gone through every possible emotion in every possible combination since. From the greatest elation to having that sick feeling in my stomach from having my heart broken. From being filled to the brim in my heart, to having it so empty that it feels like my very soul is bleeding out from the hole...

The things I have written in the past month... I've been writing for as long as I can remember, and some of these are the best I have ever written. My masterpiece. Some of those have been beyond anything I've ever been able to say.

Sometimes I am left with the feeling that it's been a waste. My great strides haven't so much made a dent in her. I doubt it ever will. I am at a loss as to how to get through.

You would think being eloquent and articulate would be a good thing. Most people I know do not have any outlet for artistic expression. In any form. They just keep themselves bottled up, or fall into various vices to get by.

It's the eloquence that is destroying me.

You will never understand what it's like to be so in touch with how you feel that you can actually put it into words. On top of that, having everything you ever write becoming some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy. When I write, it's not just words on paper. It's admitting things to myself.

I give a little part of myself into everything I write. Now I've given to much.

It's not a gift. It's a curse.

[x]my devastating nights, my peaceful mornings

these simple mornings
i follow you with my eyes
wondering if you notice
this scene glossed in peace
a contrast
to my devastating nights
that you'll never know
where you are here but not mine
blissful in your sleep

warm is the only word for all of this
please give in
let me have my ignorance for now
i am always yours
yet these are the few and only hours
where you are mine as well
leaving me with a kiss on the cheek
and when you are gone
reality takes your place

[x]Feels a lot like sorrow...

Relevant - "Happiness" by The Fray



Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that’s enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar

[x]Fire.

Here goes nothing...

your words should hurt
but your eyes that wound me the most
they betray you
every time you look at me
and so do your lips
when they say two different things
and here i stand
defeated by you yet again

the colors you bring
to my otherwise mundane hours
i'll keep my promise
and love them instead
as long as it takes
as long as we're comfortable
you, my muse
and i, your clay

you expose every weakness in me
without even trying
i look down
and all of my armor is gone
i used to be so proud of it -
in your presence i cannot help but yield
when you intoxicate me so

fierce, though delicate in our actions
our present
sullied by their pasts
every kiss laced in caution
and i'm just not sure
whether you're more dangerous
when you're here with me
or when you're gone

these touches
all of the contact met with a pause
as if we absent-mindedly
fight for every extra second of contact
all of this hesitation
and i wonder
if when i'm gone you can still feel my fingertips upon you
as i can still feel your hair on my face...


###############################################

you do your worst
not even on purpose
leaving me to wonder
all of my affections absorbed
how it kills me
to have every thought, every feeling of mine
another leap of faith

i'm sorry this all falls short
of what i'm trying to say
i'll bleed myself dry if i have to
to find the words
because i can't take it
when my muse
seems incapable of blushing
how do i make you feel beautiful?

what do you see
when you look at me like that?
i would give anything to know
what you are thinking
what's behind those eyes right now
because i try to show you where i am
and you leave me so very lost

am i affecting you right this second
as you read this?
are you breathing
or holding your breath?
this is my torture
not being able to feel the words enter you
and where they go from there...

your control
mixed with my restraint
tears me apart
do what you want with me
it's what i want
all i can do is yield
if you won't show me where you are hidden

just for a moment in this crowd
we are alone
our gaze locked
and you're so close
that i can't even breathe
i close my eyes
the world goes away
and when i finally open them-
it takes everything i have not to kiss you...
everything.

[x]Lie to me, angel.

Relevant - "The planets bend between us" by Snow Patrol (A Hundred Million Suns)

You slip into my arms
and you quickly correct yourself...

My favorite line in the SIN CITY books is in "Family Values", page 39.

...Lie to me, Angel.

...

my assumptions mirrored
I can't stop myself
when we are both in the dark
never knowing the how
yet certain as to the why

[x]Beautiful women.

I don't know what happened.

This last week has brought a surge of inspiration into my life. I am so overloaded with things to say that none of it is coming out coherently. It's just spilling over.

I'm not in love with any particular one of them, yet I'm in love with all of them. It had to be an issue with allowing myself to let them inspire me. I guess I spent a bit of time hiding under the radar, and now I have turned a corner.

My roots have started to take hold. I matter to people now down here, and they matter to me.

I'm over Jessica. I don't love her anymore, nor is that "Last person I loved" vestige hanging over my head like a cloud. That negative energy is gone from my life, permanently. For a while there I was extremely lonely. I think that was because I was spending too much time alone.

Yet I have all of these wonderful women around. Beautiful, interesting, and positive people. I have opened myself up to them, friendship and otherwise. I have them around me every day, and my eyes have been opened to appreciating it finally.

I have them, but they are not MINE.

Now I realize that you don't choose your muse(s), they choose you. That's comforting. They are all so... different, yet each of them appeals to some aspect of my personality, light and dark.

I just wish I could sleep with all of this buzzing in my head.

So, women of my life - thank you.

[x]villain am i not.

my fingers drift aimlessly over her
my mind wandering much the same
and i cannot sleep
when i try to pinpoint
how we are so much more
than the sum of our broken parts

[x]Happy Single Person Awareness Day!

Relevant - "The Perfect Ending" by Straylight Run

So if you made it,
Just be glad that you did and stay there,
If you ever feel loved or needed,
Remember that you're one of the lucky ones,
And if it's over,
Just remember what I told you,
It was bound to happen so just...
Keep moving on,
There are no perfect endings.



Well, we skipped a year last year (technically) but I am back in the vast lonely ocean of single life. At least I am lucky enough to be surrounded by such beautiful girls.

Woooooooooooooooooooooo!