[x]Immolation.

the tension pains us so
to suffer certainty
the air thick with anticipation
we devour, we consume eachother
the wanting
justified in how wrong we are
scorching the world
until all of the oxygen is burned away
just for one moment in our pocket reality
we are eternal

[x]Synopsis.

the sadness
makes her even more beautiful
if that was even possible
yet she wears it with such grace
so much so
that it intimidates me

she curls up to me
when the night is over
to hug and say goodbye
i hold you in my arms
and it kills me
to realize how perfectly you fit in them

she look in my eyes
and in that moment
i don't know what it is about you
i just know i'm in love
because of the pain i feel
when not betraying your trust

[x]Favorite Songs #1-5.

Well, this is it. These are my absolute favorite songs. I am really bummed about not finding a video for #3 though.

1. "3 libras" by A perfect Circle
I cannot listen to this song without getting goosebumps. When I was a mess, this song really helped me.

You don't see me at all...

2. "Dirty Epic" by Underworld
This song is party of my history. We would drive around, listening to this tape - and she would listen to me sing it in a low voice. We were reckless and in love.

and the light blinds my eyes. and i feel dirty.
and the light blinds my eyes. and i feel...so...shaken in my faith.

3. "Love to Sleep" by She Wants Revenge
It's funny how a song can capture a snapshot in time. It fits her perfectly and what we were perfectly. I kissed, her, but it wasn't love.
(Well apparently I cannot find a youtube or mtv video because this was an unreleased B-side. Please visit my profile at http://www.myspace.com/thedeadpixel and listen to my play list. Right now it is the default song, but will be listed there as long it is available. Lame.)
If it's really such a bad thing,
Then whys it feel so right.

4. "Perfect Blue Buildings" by Counting Crows
I fell in love with the Counting Crows during the summer institute at Easter Michigan in 1994. I can't believe it's been 15 years. I could always relate to Adam Duritz and his writing style.

I got bones beneath my skin, and mister...
There's a skeleton in every man's house
Beneath the dust and love and sweat that hangs on everybody
There's a dead man trying to get out
Please help me stay awake, I'm falling...

5. "Knife Party" by Deftones
This song was a catalyst for the sudden realization of what relationships really are.

So go get your knife
And come in
So go get your knife
And lay down
So go get your knife now kiss me

[x]Favorite Songs #6-10.

Now that I am in my top 10 songs, I would really like to post a description of what they mean to me...

6. "Toxic Angel" by Joseph Arthur
I first heard Joseph Arthur on the 1 year anniversary of 9/11. On 89x they played "In The Sun" which really hit me (wonderful song), and this is my favorite song of his. Joseph Arthur's music forever changed me, restoring much of the compassion in me that I feared was gone forever.

So strange
Like the one who saved you
Is the one you say you'll blame
Could you follow me down
With a love like yours
I don't know if i'm able
To keep my feet on the ground
With a mind like mine you know it's never stable.

7. "Barbarella" by Scott Weiland
Scott Weiland has always been one of my favorite singers, and I have always been a huge fan of Stone Temple Pilots. The way he takes all of the ugly things he's dealt with and make them beautiful, it's amazing.

Scott Weiland - New Music - More Music Videos

Barbarella
Come and save me from my misery
Can't you see it's a disease
Shoot the bad guys
and I'll gladly sing a tune for you
Lost in space- we could be free


8. "Fake Plastic Trees" by Radiohead
This song still affects me every time I hear it. I have had so many "She looks like the real thing" moments in my life, though none have yet to pan out.

She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love
But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run
and it wears me out
it wears me out
it wears me out
it wears me out

9. "Lost!" by Coldplay
This is probably one of the best pick-me-up songs ever. This is one of the newer songs on the list, and it helped me when I was wavering down here.

Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I'm across
Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserved
No better and no worse
I just got lost!

10. "Bittersweet Symphony" by The Verve
If my life were a movie, this would probably play in the closing credits. The refrain on the beginning of the album version is surreal, though I could not find a good video that reflects it.

Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

[x]Favorite Songs #11-15.

11. "Tonight, Tonight" by The Smashing Pumpkins

We'll crucify the insincere tonight
We'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight
We'll find a way to offer up the night tonight
The indescribable moments of your life tonight
The impossible is possible tonight
Believe in me as I believe in you, tonight

12. "Run" by Snow Patrol

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

13. "Standing outside a broken telephone booth with money in my hand" by Primitive Radio Gods

I've been downhearted baby,
Ever since the day we met

14. "Time is running out" by Muse

You will be the death of me
Yeah, you will be the death of me

15. "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails (Also as performed by Johnny Cash)


what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end

[x]Favorite songs #16-20.

Music has always been a huge part of who I am. My interests are all over the place as far as genres go. I want you to listen to these, because I think it will give you a better picture of who I am. Here are my favorite songs, #16-20. I will be posting the others in the future.

16. "Obstacle 1" by Interpol

It's in the way that she walks,
her heaven is never enough

17. "I hate it too" by Hum

And she don't hold me right,
she's never going to get me there.

18. "A stroke of luck" by Garbage


You say that you'll be there to catch me
Or will you only try to trap me
These are the rules I make

19. "Grey room" by Damien Rice

Well I've been here before
Sat on a floor in a grey grey mood
Where I stay up all night
And all that I write is a grey grey tune

20. "Alien" by Bush


And she comes to take me away
She's all that I needed
I don't breathe another lover

[x]Do you know the way that I can't lose?

Relevant - "Tear" by The Smashing Pumpkins (Ava Adore)



Tear me apart
Tear me apart from you
Where is your heart?
Where has your heart run to?

If I have one regret, it was never kissing you in the field that night...

[x] The Spoils...

Relevant - "Normal like you" by Everclear (So much for the afterglow)



Tell me why you want to be blind
I don't want to be normal like you
I know now every day
I get closer to the place inside
Where I can be complacent
Yes I get closer to the place inside
Where I can be sedated*

*This is the best video I could find for this song.

Lately I have rediscovered Everclear, a band I was really into in the 90's (wow, depressing to even say that). I had their first two major albums on repeat for my recent stint back in World of Warcraft. I have since then walked away after I did all of the new quests for the expansion. I would really like to play with some of my friends but our schedules don't really match up. That, and I just can't sink in the time required for endgame raiding. Ah well, it was good while it lasted.

Things are going somewhat well. My job is going really well...

I wrote something for the first time in a while.

I like to think
we haunt eachother
now that we're both gone
my name still on your lips
as your name left on mine

[x]Year in review 2008.

Relevant - "Bittersweet Symphony" by The Verve



Well I've never prayed, but tonight I'm on my knees yeah...

"Plan B in the Land of Misfit Toys"

I am starting this on Monday, because i think that I have more to say than time will allow. This entry is one of the more popular ones I would presume. I wouldn't want to disappoint you. I am working on Wednesday (New Year's Eve) and then heading to Disney with Noel afterward, so I need to get this done ahead of time.

This year was a transitional one, because I completely changed my life around…

PART I - The past

There was a lot of closure this year. I finally closed the door on every single female issue that I had up in Michigan. I have been freed of every ghost that I have ever let haunt me, even Sarah. Yes, I do know is that it was a long time coming, what I don't is why. I guess she was the bar that I had unfairly set everyone else against.

I feel the need to address the last two women in my life, sort of a post-game. Neither warrant dedication in the future, although they may be mentioned in passing.

Jessica - We haven't spoken in months. However I wouldn't put it past you to be reading this out of morbid curiosity. If there was any thought that I wanted to leave with you - remember how it was this time last year, and the plans that we had. You and I were in love and we had the plan. We were both extremely happy in our relationship. My family adored you and took you in quickly.

When you end a relationship, it’s polite to say that you always say that you want someone to be happy. In a karma/positive energy sort of way, I really do. That comes with the caveat of working both ways as she truly wounded me. I truly hope you find someone to make you happy BUT - I want you to remember what you gave up and why. I’ll leave it at that.

If you love something let it go..... The old adage says. I let you go, and you never came back. It wasn't meant to be.

One more thing – Thanks for everything.

Margarita – It’s been a year since we last spoke. I have reached out to you several times, to no avail. I have either caused too much damage to move on, or our friendship wasn’t worth fixing. Maybe both, because I know there isn’t anything further that I could say that you don’t already know.

One more thing – I’ll always remember, and you will too.

Part II - The present

I cannot believe I have been in Florida a year. It doesn't feel like it, to be honest. Every time I become aware of my surroundings, it still feels new to me. I have always been such a homebody, and only once lived outside of a 1 hour radius for two weeks in Ohio.

I have kept myself too busy and focused to let homesickness set in.

So, am I better off this year than last? In short - yes. I do miss the money I made at TAG but I do not miss the stress level and sheer exhaustion of it. I took a huge pay cut when I moved down here, but I do not wake up every day so exhausted. Honestly it wasn’t worth it.

It’s been a rough year, financially. My bills have all been paid, and I have a little left over to survive.

Part III - The future

I have a year behind me at EBG, and I like to think I have risen fairly quickly. I am eager to see how the next month or so plays out, to really cement my direction with the company. Hopefully soon I will earn a raise, which will give me a little more money to play around with and make progress. I didn’t move down here to be poor.

I like the company as much as I will let myself, and have made quite a few friends out of my co-workers. Complete contrast from the majority of the people I used to work with at TAG.

Hopefully our roommate crisis will be fixed soon. We had the fourth person on the lease up and leave us out to dry starting this month, and we are locked in until March.

How did I do on last year's resolutions?

1.Make it work – I did the best I could with what I had down here. Can't complain too much.
2.Shed some vices/Be healthier – I gave up World of Warcraft for the better part of the year after cashing out. However, I am back in the fold now with the expansion (Just for the content, I swear). I wish I would have eaten better, but I didn't.
3.Let myself be happy and loved – Well, Jessica and I didn't quite work out, however I believe I was transformed by the experience. I found out many things about myself over the last year.
4.Put the dark side to use – It's amazing what putting the dead to rest with do for you.
5.Let the wit win – I have won over a good amount of people down here with my wit.
6.Write more – I wrote a ton this year, and have a few projects brewing.

January – Move to Florida, Start at EBG. Mike introduces me to BSG.
February - Banking issues, Electrolytes are what the matrix craves.
March – Creative streak, new Counting Crows.
April – Deadpixel.org becomes Johnnybronto.com, Jessica and I break up, words ensue. The family comes to visit.
May – I turn my Fusion (Damien) in, Fly home to get my Focus (Lucid), Jessica and I give it another shot. Epic fail. She wants revenge (It's a double!) and then I want and get revenge too.
June – Caffeine withdrawal and rampant insomnia.
July – I cash out of WOW. The dark knight is awesome.
August – The art of love goes private.
September – The pirates cruise, we give it one more shot. Epic fail again.
October – EBG plague victim, sick the whole month. The crow said don't look, and I do.
November – I throw a party for the masses and feed them grilled cheese. Thanksgiving at the castle.
December – I fly home for a quick jaunt with the fam and friends. My fantasy football team - The Detroit Expansion Team (AKA Detroit Pretty Princess) wins the EBG championship. Joe has written an awesome book based on my old D&D character. Full of Win! EBG promotion to special events.

I will keep a better record next year, I swear.


New Year's Resolutions 2009

1.Write more - Hopefully I will get my first screenplay “Reps” (based upon my experiences of the past year) done sometime soon. I have my visual epic “Syren” in the works as well my first book of poetry “A Wound Before Armor”.
2.Lose some weight/be healthier – Going from working construction to a corporate office, I packed on a few pounds (Okay a little more than a few). I turned 30 and I have to get on top of my health because the warranty is over. I would really like to lose 40+ pounds, or more through exercise and better eating. I am giving up soda (pop) too and drinking water. I really want to slim down.
3.Do more with the website – I think I am going to approach my page this year as more of a multimedia and photo journal. With things like youtube and flikr, there is no reason why I cannot share what I am up to and what I am listening to.
4.Start the podcast – Mike and I want to start a show for movie reviews and discussion. We spent a good part of year brainstorming for it, and now we need to get it going.
5.Try to play WoW sparingly. I have been a bit burned out on MMO's this year, and I tried Age of Conan and Warhammer Online. Both were fun in the beginning just because they were different, but ran out of gas quickly. I am playing WoW again for the new stuff, but I doubt I will ever be as hardcore as I used to be about any game.
6.Get more out of EBG – I really busted my ass to make a name for myself in the company, and hopefully this year it will start to pay off.


So, that is pretty much it. Here we go 2009.

JOHNNY BRONTO TAKES OVER the WORLD

[x]Vacation (to home).

Relevant - "Goodnight, Travel Well" by the Killers (Day & Age)

Every time you fall
And every time you try
Every foolish dream
And every compromise
Every word you spoke
And everything you said
Everything you left me,
rambles in my head

Less than 12 hours from now, I will be back in Michigan. From what I hear it has been about 25 degrees with snow. Compare that with the 66 degrees it is now outside here in Florida.

How do I feel about going home? I'm pretty anxious, because this has been a long time coming. I haven't seen my family in the better part of a year, and it's been even longer for my friends. I miss them so much, and with my guard down and my focus homeward I'm getting pretty homesick down the stretch. I know they miss me, too. I'm so excited that I doubt I will be able to crash tonight (which might be good - flight is at 8:30am and I would rather sleep through the flight). I can't wait to eat some of my mom's cooking.

Monday I am going to have a little get together at boomers for my friends. Will be nice to see them, as well. I have missed them greatly. They are the only good memories I have left there.

However, there is always a catch. The air will have grown cold when I return, and I know as I breathe it in, some things will have changed. My family and friends will be the only warm thing left in that state. Everything else will be the barren wasteland of a graveyard that I left it. I have many bad memories.

Last time I was in Michigan to pick up my car, Jessica and I were broken up but we decided to see each other anyway. We spent some time together and talked some things out - there was a spark, which led to us getting back together (albeit inconsistently), which led to us going on the cruise. I still remember when she broke, which in turn broke me...

No such luck this time. Michigan is devoid of anything remotely resembling an romantic emotional attachment. All of those ghosts have been put to rest. Artistically it's pretty much dead to me. My soul is haunted there. Even now one of my last phone conversations with her, asking if I was going to call - echoes in my mind.

I wish I could take all of my loved ones and relocate them down here.

I've let go of so much this year, so many things that I thought were sustaining me. So many things ended, one after the other. God I wish I could explain how I feel.

December has always been the month of goodbyes.