[x]Home is where the heart is.

I'm here. The drive was not fun but I made it.

approx 1200 miles
approx 18 hours (driven straight through)
I left at 9:30 am and arrived at around 3:30am the next day.
approx 30 miles per gallon (good job damien)

Today I woke up and slept in, woke up and carried my stuff in, then just kind of bummed around for a while until Mike got home. Then we went out to eat at FORT WILDERNESS in Disneyworld.

Even as I was sitting there I was restless, like I couldn't relax. I still find myself looking at my watch or clocks like I am still pressed for time. Being around Jessica made me aware of that nervous tick I have. She always took it the wrong way, like I was seeing how much time I had left before I would leave her.

This wasn't the case. Working at Tag always put me somewhere between a constant state of hurry and exhaustion. A thankless, crapshoot time job like that will do that to you, and I need to shake it.

It hasn't set in yet that this is now where I live... This is my abode but I think my home will always be back in Michigan with my loved ones. I miss all of you.

[x]And away we go!

I am leaving tomorrow morning. Time to pack it all up so this is me signing off.

[x]Here at the end...

2007 Year In Review

Relevant - "Exit Music for a Film" by Radiohead (you can hear it here)

Wake.. from your sleep
The drying of your tears
Today we escape, we escape

Pack.. and get dressed
Before your father hears us
Before all hell breaks loose

Breathe, keep breathing
Don't lose your nerve
Breathe, keep breathing
I can't do this alone

*Note* - We took my dad to the hospital last night when he started to have trouble breathing. Turns out he was having congestive heart failure and they are keeping him there, a few days for observation.

Preface - This year was just like any other of recent years, up until the decision was made (on a planned whim) to pack up and move operations to Florida. My friend Mike had called me at just the right moment and here I am - or there I will be. This decision was made a few months ago, and then things started to happen...

January - World of Warcraft expansion (The Burning Crusade) comes out, Miscreant created.

February - S.P.A. Year 7 (last year hopefully), David Bradley is born (Chelz + Brad)

March - blowout! meet Jessica *again*, Beep/Boop, What is the brand of your vagrancy? Blueberry pancakes and setting the stage....

April - Margarita leaves (and partly comes back), I am on fire writing.

May - I think I listen to the new Nine Inch Nails album for a whole month. I am trying to believe.

June - Nothing posted for this month (Need to fill in these gaps for next year)

July - Eagle Vs. Shark is Napoleon Dynamite on crack. I get into World War Z. Tranformers is awesome as Megan Fox is hot.

August - 7 year anniversary for the site. Fantasy football for the first time!

September - I move home from Royal Oak. Song to the Siren cuts me by David Gray.

October - She wants revenge... (and now I do too) - I decide that I am moving to Florida at the end of the year... Detour Launch party. I see some emo kid punched into a glass door and go into shock. Jessica and I start dating again. Space Ghost loves cats.

November - I turn 29 and slowly start getting things start to come together. Seems only when you want to leave, things make you want to stay. Miscreant becomes a PVP monster.

December - Margarita and I are resolved. Tender Lions (fantasy team) make the playoffs and lose in the 2nd round.

How did I do on last year's resolutions?

1. Be healthier PHYSICALLY - Hrm. Kind of cashed in the health chips when I realized I was moving.

2. Wrap up soul searching - I have always been looking for a leap of faith and I think I have finally found it. Florida is where I jump.

3. Be there for my family - Being back in Allen Park really helped. Was nice to be able to hang out with Logan/Ariel/David more.

4. Pay off EVERYTHING - No lottery win this year (maybe next) I did start doing damage though.

5. Let the dead lay - Goodbyes were said this year, and now I get to see who I am without the muse I have had for so long.

6. Be me - I found my stride in my wit this year.

7. Find someone - I love you Jessica, and I hate that I have to leave you here. Stick with the plan.

New Year's Resolutions 2008

1. Make it work - This is a HUGE move for me. I want to be the person that makes it work, in all facets, from now on.

2. Shed some vices/Be healthier - No more candy/pop/fast food. That stuff is garbage and I need to start taking care of myself. Hopefully getting out of the cold will let me skip bronchitis this year. I think the only things I will allow myself to go out and get are Wendy's chili and Jimmy John's.

3. Let myself be happy and loved - I have a great girlfriend who loves me and a family that loves me. I shouldn't take that for granted anymore. I need to let them all in my heart more.

4. Put the dark side to use - I can't seem to shake that cold, dark, ruthless side of me so I might as well do something constructive with it. Hopefully I can leave some of the grey skies here in Michigan.

5. Let the wit win - Find some use for my razor sharp wit.

6. Write more - I need to express myself better this year than last. I have a good digital camera now, and want to have more of a photo/video journal.

Looking forward to next year - Moving, no longer working for TAG, enjoying some sunshine and my new life. Being around my little brother again. Moving FORWARD.

So, here we go 2008.

THE FIRST OF THE LAST STANDS.

[x]for every ending...

These past few days have been surreal. The feeling of ending with so many things that have been part of my life for so long.

The last time I will work for Tag.
The last time I get to hang out with my friends on Sunday.

Just to name a few. I suppose some things must end to make room for others to begin.

...

We'll catch up with where I have been these last two months. Soon.

[x]good insomnia.

The body is truly the prison for the soul.

So the anchor is up on the move... and suddenly I don't feel so weighed down with a light in the distance. Now just comes the planning stages, because I want to do this right.

Which leaves me abuzz in thought, even at almost 1am. There's much to do and figure out how I am going to pull this off. What's coming, what's going. What needs to be said and done, before I say my goodbyes...

Goodbyes... Some of them have been a long time coming. God willing, I will leave all the ghosts here in Michigan.

Even the ghost of me.

[x]un/moving

As you may or may not know (not really sure if there is a "you" out there anymore) - I moved home a few weeks ago. Yeah, yeah... I know...

My work/crew situation just became too much to bear and I had to get out of Royal Oak. Given that this was sudden decision, it didn't really allow me enough time to line up somewhere else to live. So - home > homeless.

It sucks. It sucks because my heart wasn't in this move... and it showed. Been home 3 weeks and I *just yesterday* sorted my dvds. Geeky as that sounds - it's just not me. Really I have been at home staring at the walls, and just now am wrapping up unpacking.

I love having my family around. Logan and Ariel will jump on me and wake me up - David is rolling all over the place. Hearing Logan describe school is just fascinating. I mean it was just yesterday that I was in the hospital, holding all of them... and here they are now.

Yet, still all of this feels distant - and it's not fair to anyone.

Physically I am here. Emotionally, however - I am devoid and detached. I feel as though I have given up on myself when everyone else will not. The fight is gone in me and I don't really know how to make everyone understand that.

In the middle of all of this I received a phone call from my friend Mike. Then the suggested move to Florida. More on that later...

Eloquent as I am I cannot express how dark these days are in my heart. There is no hope left for me here in this state. I feel like my soul moved somewhere else, a very long time ago. I feel like it's waiting for me

It's so easy to get on your soapbox and say "what about your family" when you are married, have children...have a life. It's so easy to tell me to make it work, to overcome... when you have something to wake up to in the morning... Someone to wake up next to. So easy to be so accomplished and point down at me and say "why couldn't you do it?"

You know what I wake up to? I wake up to graveyard, every single day for as long as I can remember. Not to discount my family in anyway - that's not what I am talking about. I wake up to a graveyard of missed opportunities, mistakes, and a complete misuse of potential. I suffer the landmarks every single day. Say whatever you will but understand that I am even harsher on myself. I know, have known all my life that somewhere in me there is greatness. Just not here, anymore. I spent so much of my life hiding, and fighting this depression. For the record I think I won (jury is still out on that) but now I live with the destruction I have wrought in doing so.

The ghosts are still there, and I sometimes welcome it. Because every once in a while they let me remember what it was like to feel something.

Somewhere along the line I just gave up. If I stay here I am clueless as to what my next move is... I am alone, I hate my fucking job, and everything I have still isn't good enough. Because this isn't me. This me is pathetic. It's time to leave. I know you love me but if you really care then let me try to become who I was meant to end up. I am not a passive person, yet I feel docile and subdued. Caged really. For fuck's sake I'm a scorpio.

I am nothing without passion. I'm just a robot. Do you want me to be a robot?

This whole proposed move thing is drastic, yes it is. But nothing has lit a spark in me like the idea of truly starting over. But you know what? I want to be the guy that makes it work. I want to be the guy that seizes an opportunity instead of squandering it, or hiding from it. I want to be the guy that makes a complete u-turn and finally grabs life by the throat. Who takes care of himself in all facets of life.

Really, that guy is my hero. I would really like my story to go on with adventures and romance and intrigue. Suspense even. Tell me you wouldn't jump at the chance, in my situation - to the let story go on. There's just nothing left for me here, and I want my soul back. There's just no happy ending in sight anymore...

I have been waiting for my leap of faith... just let me jump.

[x]crushed in the aftertow.

Relevant - "Song to the Siren" by David Gray (A thousand miles behind) *originally by THIS MORTAL COIL*

The timing of this song has completely crushed me...

On the floating, shapeless oceans
I did all my best to smile
til your singing eyes and fingers
drew me loving into your eyes.

And you sang "Sail to me, sail to me;
Let me enfold you."

Here I am, here I am waiting to hold you.
Did I dream you dreamed about me?
Were you here when I was full sail?

Now my foolish boat is leaning, broken love lost on your rocks.
For you sang, "Touch me not, touch me not, come back tomorrow."
Oh my heart, oh my heart shies from the sorrow.
I'm as puzzled as a newborn child.
I'm as riddled as the tide.
Should I stand amid the breakers?
Or shall I lie with death my bride?

Hear me sing: "Swim to me, swim to me, let me enfold you."
"Here I am. Here I am, waiting to hold you."

[x]when all the nothing is gone.

Relevant - "Signal Fire" by Snow Patrol

No I don't want to wait forever...

These last few days have been interesting.

now my breath is gone
like the wind in my sails
there's nothing I could say now
that hasn't been said before

before the oncoming resentment
to keep warm
I threw everything in that would burn
the only way to get out now
is to keep cold

[x]9.11.07

6 years, and the world is still such a different place.

It's unfortunate when innocents have to suffer as the result of a misguided religious zealot.

Oh wait.

[x]TV is officially dead...

The ENTOURAGE season 3 finale was tonight (downer ending) and no other show that I watch is current. Not that I watch a ton of television, but this year:

SOPRANOS is over.
ROME is over.
DEADWOOD is over.
ENTOURAGE is over until 2008.
LOST is over until 2008

Well, for another 25 days anyway. GREY'S ANATOMY/THE OFFICE season 4 premiere is on September 27th. Then again a week before I might start watching THE ULTIMATE FIGHTER on the 19th.