[x]2b (heh), or rather, not 2b :)

If you are going to press play - "Mr. Brightside" by The Killers

Coming out of my cage
And I've been doing just fine
Gotta gotta be down
Because I want it all
It started out with a kiss
How did it end up like this?
It was only a kiss
It was only a kiss

This rest of that song is pretty dead on metaphorically. That is what I love about music... Always a song to define a mood or feeling at the right time.

Last weekend was the Metrotimes Hamtramck Blowout. It is a festival of local music at 20 venues, over 100 bands, over 4 nights. Margarita has been an intern for a while and she got me to volunteer to help out.

It was the most fun I have had in a VERY long time. It is Monday now and I am STILL exhausted (after party lasted until 4am on Sunday morning)...

Even though this lasted only a few days it reminds me of the summer institute I attended at Eastern back in 1994.

The thing is, I would never have met any of those people under normal circumstances. Everyone was super nice and very outgoing. All of the organizers were really laid back and although our role was very important to the festival, it was still a very casual atmosphere.

Thursday, Friday, and Saturday I worked 6pm - 2am, at 3 different bars with 3 different people. Two of the nights I had fun (One night at the Locker Room it was kind of lame but I had a hot chick to keep me company all night) - The other 2 nights the bands were good, the bars were cool, and I had alot of fun being the stage manager.

All I had to do was make sure the bands started and ended on time. It was cool to meet bands playing different types of music. Different ages as well.

The first night when I got home at 2:30am I was wired and couldn't sleep. It kind of set the tone for the whole weekend because during the day I was exhausted and giddy about going back.

The after party was really fun. All of the organizers showed alot of appreication, thanking me and everyone else for having the Blowout go smoothly (there were a few minor snags). It was open bar from 2am until 4am. I had a few (just a few, I had to drive home) - it was the first time I had really drank since my birthday back in November... I had given up drinking for Beth but she has chosen not to be a part of my life anymore so there that goes.

When it was time to say goodbye it was kind of sad. When I went home and took off the blowout t-shirt and the all access staff pass that was pretty sad too, because it was over. However I am really interested in becoming and intern myself and definately volunteering next year.

Being a day removed from it... I have been thinking about myself and who I was this past weekend. Under normal circumstances I am not a very social person. It's not that I am anti-social... I just keep to myself. I'm so quiet and shy that some of my mom's teacher friends didn't even know I existed until last week.

However, doing this forced me to be social, which was good for me. When we were all sitting around the table one night it dawned on me that I don't really have to try to be funny or charming, it's who I am. Margarita and I were playing off eachother and everyone was laughing.

This whole weekend I had to talk to hundreds of strangers, and more often than not I would catch myself smiling. It was genuine too. There was no acting or adapting... It's just who I was/am and I want to be like that everyday now.

This whole weekend I was up to my neck in cool people, fun bands, and hot chicks. It helped me alot of interact with them all (especially the girls).

Oh, and the bands? Check out THE SIGHTS!!! They were the last band I saw the last night and I was really impressed. They have a great sound and alot of enthusiasm.

Well here are some quick shout-outs in case anyone cares: Margarita - thank you so much for getting me involved and being a good friend. Colleen - thanks for letting me volunteer and being a beautiful person, inside and out (I can tell). Paycheck - You are the man. McHale - Red bulls forever. DEATH BY ACCORDION - Thanks for the t-shirt. POLISH MUSLIMS - You have to fight, for the right, kelbasaaaaaa. Natalie - Thanks for bearing with the Locker Room with me, and great conversation about power in relationships. Kim - You nailed me on my friendship with Margarita and we had a great last night, you are hot, awesome, and assertive. Lastly thanks to Anthony and all of the organizers - it was a great experience for me and I will hopefully see you all next year.

[x]Win a date with Johnny Bronto!

Right. Well this was going to be one of my *many* somber entries to this journal. One of those should be coming next or later this week.

However, this morning was yet ANOTHER wonderful thing that finally went right...

I made stovetop mac 'n cheese!

Oh, and it's good.

This is a monumental event in my life. Right up there with graduating from high school and losing my virginity.

Now, I cannot cook for the life of me. The first time I attempted mac 'n cheese as a child I swear to god it turned out blue and was not good. The next time I attempted to make mac 'n cheese I was skipping school for the first time in high school (River Rouge) with some hot chick named Merideth who I had NO chance with and we both made it without milk - it was NOT good... and I got caught :(

So, who needs love when you have mac 'n cheese.

[x]A fairly appropriate song.

"The perfect ending" by Straylight run

It's not a bad thing,
But when you start to pick it apart,
And you get so depressed,
It's that sort of thing,
That makes you think too much,
It's that sort of thing,
Makes you lose your objectivity,

So if you made it,
Just be glad that you did and stay there,
If you ever feel loved or needed,
Remember that you're one of the lucky ones,
And if it's over,
Just remember what I told you,
It was bound to happen so just...
Keep moving on,
There's no perfect endings,

You peeled back the layers
And get down to the inside,
But sometimes you lose sight,
Of what it was you were trying to find,
And it's that sort of thing,
That makes you think too much,
It's that sort of thing,
Makes you lose your objectivity

[x]Finally, something goes right!

This morning at 9:30am I gained level 60 in World of Warcraft. Currently it is the highest level you can attain.

Total time played (via /played command) = 17 days. Yes, *17* 24 hour blocks.

Game released - November 22nd.
Current date - February 23rd.

So let's do some math!

Days between release and today = 73 days.
73 days = 1752 hours.
17 days = 408 hours.

1752 divided by 408 = 4.294 = Hours per day.

Now, I didn't really play 4 hours a day... I played in blocks and towards the end I started to play more casually.

Yes, I am a g33k.

[x]Clarity as an utter detriment.

If you are going to press play - "Betrayal" by The Black Marias

I just heard that song this morning. It's weird the way timing works in my life. Today I was working with a non-local crew so I had to drive myself to work. I would have never heard that song had I not been in my truck listening to 89x.

So, after last night... how do I feel this morning? Well in all honesty there is that pang-kick-in-the-stomach feeling of disappointment.

When I woke up this morning I splashed some water in my face to wake up a bit. I looked in the mirror and the sudden realization of the night before hit me. As I looked in my reflection I could feel my heart looking back at me - Shrugging and saying "What the fuck did you think was going to happen?"

Other than that I feel fine. I really thought I was going to feel worse than I do. Actually I had a pretty damn good day. Some kind of backup system kicked in and saw this coming forever ago.

I knew the stakes. The thing is there is no great gain without sacrifice. If I would have won her then it would have been all the better. I lost. No one can say I didn't make an effort, no one can say that I didn't try.

I told her I would stick around until my heart gave out. It gave out yesterday. I saw the speech coming so I just saved her the trouble and said I was moving on.

The best defense is a good offense.

Beth and I hadn't spoken much in the previous week, something partly of my own design. Seeing how much she cared to contact me. She didn't. The few weeks previous hadn't been all that special to say the least. I made a last ditch effort with Valentine's day.

Sparkle and fade.

So of course there was the "Can we still be friends?" thing. Honestly it's a nice gesture but all I could say was "Let's be realistic".

She didn't care to call. My little experiment failed (or succeeded) because she didn't miss me enough to call. To fight for me. To want me in her life. She said she was busy and that's fine... but a phone call takes 2 minutes and she isn't busy 24/7.

It's not even the phone call - it's the effort. She made no effort to show me that I am important to her in any respect, friend or otherwise. It doesn't take much to keep me hanging on... but I need SOMETHING. Every moment I spent with her or talked to her I tried to make her feel special, she just did not feel the need to do so in return. That's just who she is and how things are.

Right now I probably sound pissed, but I don't hate her, I'm not even mad at her.

Don't get me wrong, Beth's wonderful, beautiful, and alot of other things to me. I still am grateful to her for giving me a big chunk of my life back (whether she knows she did or not)

Her asking me if we could still be friends was just kind of a cheap shot. A cop-out. It's something like that - makes you feel like someone needs a clear conscience. Which could be a good thing I suppose.

It's a cop-out because if I say no I don't want to be her friend then I'M the dick. If I say yes then I am doubly screwed - I get to be around her when I have feelings for her and have the torture of not being able to express it. Worse yet, I could be there when she makes the decision to have a relationship, and have it be with someone else. No thanks.

Kind of like having your cake and eating it too.

I know Beth cares about me. I have suspicions that she does even more than she admits to herself. However I can't blame her. Nothing is different on her end than it was 4 months ago. Which is why I cannot blame her for anything. When we started talking she told me upfront that she didn't want a relationship with anyone (with me or whoever else).

are you lying to me
when you say you don't care?
are you lying to yourself?
am i lying to you
when i say i'm not hurt?
am i lying to myself?

So, I officially volunteer to be the bad guy. She did absolutely nothing wrong.

What did I learn this time around? Well besides alot of personal things that will NEVER happen again... I learned that I have absolute clarity when it comes to my emotional being.

And I hate it.

I don't have the luxury of being unsure about anything. I don't have the luxury of a "maybe" or "not sure what I want right now". That would be a lie when I know at every second what I want. I don't have that "out" because I am apparently too open and honest to the ones I care about.

Being alone for this long, all of this introspection and soul-searching has led to an unfortunate byproduct. I know how I feel 100% of the time, every step of the way. Put that together with my other issues and it's recipe for disaster, over and over again. Throw on top of that the absolute hopelessness of being a romantic, mix a little poetry and articulation in. Stir. Add a bit of living for the moment, being a believer in signs, and let simmer for 5 years. Let cool for 4 months, and add a dash of never being able to do anything halfway, and garnish with all or nothing.

I swear to God I saw it in her eyes. I saw it in that split second of her hesitating before kissing me. I saw it in every fucking subtlety. I saw it moment and moment again, adding up to something I was obviously hallucinating.

I still see it and I wish I didn't. The thing is when you care about someone there is always a chance... always. Like I said before... What could be love is just hope in the face of inevitability.

So, to sum it all up: I feel absolutely ruthless right now. I'm not going to paint her as evil, because she isn't. She's great and I still care about her for the time being. Just now begins the hard process of purging feelings for her.

[x]Deja Vu. All over again.

it's the statement of our whole relationship - one way effort.

Just like that, whatever Beth and I were... it's over.

[x]SCORPIO = Passion.

"I lucked out with my sign... Scorpios are all about passion. I ooze passion. Watch this... (takes drink from straw)... now that, that was a passionate sip." - Bronto

Song of the moment - "Vermillion Pt. 2" by Slipknot (Vol. 3 The subliminal verses) - Yeah I know kinda demented but everything is nowadays.

Shes a myth that I have to believe in
All I need to make it real is one more reason

Anyway, it's that time of year again. February 14th - AKA

... or valentine's day. This year I had reason to care. As a matter of fact, I just made a danger-filled journey at 2am in the morning in the freezing rain/sleet/ice to make sure cupid at LEAST gets a shot off (hitting the mark is another issue altogether) - We'll see how that goes.

[x]7 days to change your life.

sad that I could have seen you tonight
here all alone
thinking you were real
and you are
real as any other ghost
that has haunted my heart.

[x]Gimme back my delphinitions!.

Song of the moment - "Thousand Mile Wish" by Finger Eleven (elektra mix)

you just kind dull the noise of the rest of my life

Sitting silent at a bar next to the chainsmoking twins waiting for a band that sucks.

Spectre of the present
take all of my paint away
to show me
that breaking the cycle
has done nothing more than break my heart.