[x]the sun orbiting her earth.

she came and i went
and just for a split second
i was the sun orbiting her earth again
thrice shiny
trying to catch her was like collecting all of the lights
as they reflect from a disco ball
while doing this dance again and again
she became an adage
like a fish in the sea
and i had to stop
as her walls went up higher and higher
faster than i could overcome them
up and up she goes allegedly
and from her point of view
i may be retreating
but the truth is i'm simply standing still
and just too exhausted to love you anymore

[x]Shadow.

my shadow is longest before the dusk
these days i'm chasing the sun
it's lonely in my pursuit
when i no longer take my shadow for granted
we're shackled together at the ankle after all
and when the days are hard
i can almost feel the pull, the resistance
i look back as if to say
"I know you're still there"
and when I wave it waves back at me in unison
hard to get a read on it's blank face
but from it's posture it just seems smug regardless
always eager and willing....
ready to switch places again

[x]So Devised.

she tells she wonders what if
when she knows i'm thinking why not...
neither of would ever deny it's there
or always have been
she was the one who came for me
but i was the one who struck the match
and just like that
we slept in it's fire
since she went away i've been left burning
ablaze in these idle moments
and all of the spaces in between sleep and dream
whenever i let this memory swim
the one that doesn't seem to want to fade
i struggle to define what it is about her
yet knowing exactly what it is at the same time
this attraction based solely upon
the only sadness of my emancipation
it was in this grey area
i was finally so devised
that i started to take what i wanted
both her and everything else since
in her non malicious fashion she toys with me
and i am forever content being her plaything
as i lay in wait and want
for another proof of my elusive deity

[x]Seasonal Unaffective Disorder.

in quiet moments i can close my eyes
and be standing in the snow
i can open them and see my breath before me
and feel the cold on my face
in the visions there is no sound
until the 85 and partly cloudy snaps me out of it
this seems to be the opposite
of season affective disorder
because the unexceptional weather leaves me unaffected
every day is almost exactly the same
at the very least in the sunshine
i can't feel myself dying anymore like i used to
i just can't feel myself living either
yet every once in a while
we get those rare grey days
every time it's overcast it's like god's trying to relate
and i like to think that maybe i did this
and i'll stand in the rain like an idiot
when there's nothing but sunshine
it's easy to get homesick in the contrast

[x]greener grass.

One by one they came and went
in these elimination rounds
tonight history is being re-written yet again
when the could have been
become never were's
we agree to meet
and when she show's up
of course she's as beautiful as could be
i hop the fence to get there
and we dance barefoot
in the greener grass
until i am good and dizzy
but after the room stops spinning
everything's the same
and it almost makes me sad
to realize how much i've changed
when i can't bring myself to tell her
"Say the word, and this could be home"

[x]decade.

will this wander/lust of mine ever be sated?
a hobby of mine
seems to be digging
through the skeleton closets of my past
oh what fun
i don't know what i'm looking for
but it has got to be here somewhere
i find a box marked zero zeroes
and blow off the dust
yet stop short from opening it
with a foreboding sense of hurt
there was pain in there
when i closed it last
has the statue of limitations expired
or has it accrued interest?
i open it...
we were kids, we weren't ready
i keep telling myself
chalking this up to adolescence -
doesn't change any of these scars, though
all i know
is that they led to many more
as i tried to find a substitution
everything since she left
just a copy of a copy of a copy of a copy
seems all i can find
is diluted versions of her...
how do i reconcile this last decade
when she finally picks up the phone
and starts finishing my sentences?

[x]strewn.

depending on who you ask
this mess behind me
could be the wreckage of a crash
or the debris from an explosion
here at the bottom
there's nowhere left to fall
so all i have left is to move forward
there is no going back
yet that doesn't stop me from trying-
every step back
just ends up cutting my feet
so I stop moving altogether
to appreciate the beautiful mess i've made
this mosaic of everything
strewn about
i'm standing still
pondering if i can keep up
if i'm healing faster than i'm breaking
or just too stupid to realize that i'm still crashing

[x]37,000 feet and stuck.

I leave in the light
and return in the dark
she said she'd follow me there
and yet she's not here anymore
and i'm not there
between points a and b
are two homes
all of a sudden
I'm at 37,000 feet
and stuck in the middle
I can't identify myself
knowing that i am two different people
in either location
as if these two halves
of all of my strengths and weaknesses
cancelling each other out
it doesn't make any sense to say
but in between both of these lives
I am none in the same.

[x]1160.

to say you always want what you can't have the most
would be a cliche of vast understatement
the fact that i can't have her right now
makes me love her even more in absence
realizing that none of this means anything at all
if she's not there to share it with me-
so this is me fighting to get back home
my heart is where you are
if you only could see the subtitles of these conversations
it would betray me over and over again
the very words of this
are my letters of intent to return
in my absolute impatience
it's hard for someone like me
to accept that the stars are going to have to align
to light our way back to one another
i'm not asking you to wait for me, either
but i think we can both agree it's a nice thought...
until then
i will be forever wounded in her compliment

[x]99% gamble.

here i am
telling anyone that will listen about my new masterpiece
i try to sell it before the brush has even touched the canvas
i have to stop wanting something so beautiful
so much that it manifests itself to me before it's even real
trying to believe
with every bit of my charlatan heart
that a 1% chance
will be 99% that much more worth it
here we go again...
so come one, come all
come see my delusions of grandeur
that lead me to nothing but recluse abandon
where i never worry about her scenery
none of that matters when i'm infatuated
this grand scheme of wanting it enough
enough for the both of us
i'm too busy painting us by numbers
i can't be bothered with... details...
when all i'm trying to do
is fill in the blanks