[x]benevolent poison.

what used to be tension
just feels like a lack of oxygen now
the weight heavy and hallucinating
is it still intoxicating?
or is it just hard to breathe?
gradual in it's benevolent poison
i expose myself to it slightly
trying to just let it go numb
let that part of me that was yours die
but there is no immunity to work up to
there never was an inoculation in the first place

[x]Shadow.

you could say
that this is a crossroads
when i clearly see the way back
but cannot glimpse the way forward
i stand in a my vast shadow
and in this eclipse
i just can't tell how tall i could have been

[x]orbit.

did i fall out of her orbit
or did she fall out of mine?
i take solace in the fact
that i won't feel like this forever
knowing that she wasn't the person
i thought she was
and i am spared
knowing that she never really knew me at all

[x]by definition.

like a ticker tape parade of ash
the paper still burning
words scattered and meaningless
lost like the momentum of gestures
this disillusion of progress
the inertia of my soul
must carry on past my heart stonewalled
cold logic takes back over
there is no big picture here
there is no mosaic anymore

[x]Year In Review 2009.

Song of the year - "Uprising" by Muse (The Resistance)



They will not force us, they will stop degrading us...
They will not control us, we will be victorious...

Well, well, well. It's been a while, my dear readers. I haven't posted anything on my website since September. I have missed you and writing for you.

Some of you are well aware of what has transpired this over the last 12 months. Some of you know part of the story, some of you know all of it. I know my tag line for 2009 was "Johnny Bronto Takes Over The World" but it turned out of be "The World Takes Over Johnny Bronto". 2009 saw me overwhelmed in more than one situation. This was my best year creatively, which isn't surprising considering.

I really wish I could be more forthcoming to you. However, for one of the first times in the history of my journal - these will stay my private disasters.

Let me put it this way - the phoenix in me finally died. I cannot burn with reckless abandon anymore. That part of me is gone.

Normally I would go through my resolutions of last year - however being that I completely failed at every single one of them, I will skip it. I tend to get caught up in myself and my life. This year I found myself absolutely lost.

Sigh. I really wish I could just come out and say it. I really wish I could just have full disclosure here. How strong I was at some points, how absolutely pathetic I was at others. This past year stretched me to my limits, and I cannot wait until it is over.

I learned a lot this year:

The grass is never greener...
If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck...
The quarry has to be worth the chase...
People do NOT change...
You cannot save someone if they have no interest in being saved... (see above)

Here are my thank you notes:

Thank you to my family for supporting me. Mom, you are the best.
Thank you to Margarita for being an angel and literally saving me from the brink.
Thank you to Jenn for listening to me.
Thank you to Joe for writing a book that brought me back to orb.
Thank you to Noel for everything you've done for me. You are the best.
Thank you to Nicole A for not letting me make any more excuses for them.
Thank you to Jessired for being a fellow ginger and a great talker.
Thank you to all of my ex-EBG co-workers for being awesome, I miss you all.
Thank you to all of the certain A's that were muses and sirens.
Thank you to Michelle for Z, and still talking to me even though I don't deserve it.
Thank you to everyone I may have forgotten to list here. It's 3:25am

I have high hopes for 2010. Here are my resolutions...

1. Peace and Quiet - 2009 was too loud. I'm 31.
2. Stability - No more fluctuations.
3. Progress - This T-Mobile thing will work itself out one way or another...
4. Creativity - I would like to start my first book this year.
5. Path - I know where I've been, I just want to know where I am going.

2010 - A little island called hope.

[x]The bullet and the phoenix.

the broken pieces of me
this pathetic offering
head down and cupped hands
whatever is left is yours
above all other things
it breaks my heart
to have to tell you that I'm not perfect

longing for the day
when this is all over
i will be out of this haunted house
and she will just be another predecessor
with the epilogue and moral
that the quarry
should be worth the chase
because I don't know
what I would have done
even if I had caught her

she warned me of the knife
that she held when I embraced her
she's evil and apathetic
the way quicksand could be called malicious
she leaves me to die
forever to swear
that it was my doing all along

my angel will always
have one percent of me
and this bar
she sets it so unfairly
for the rest of the world
and all of the love that I will ever have

what good is a hero
to a damsel in distress
that doesn't want to be saved
the roles we played
nothing more than the fabrications
of a poor soul
that made the grave error
of just wanting to be more for her

out of options
this all encompassing void
backs me to a cliff
this cinematic leap
of sheer lack of faith
saved by my angel
grabbing my wrist
showing me what a siren really is

depending on who you ask
she killed me
or I killed myself
the eyewitnesses live on
if only to know the truth of it
I am free finally
to exist and believe
somewhere in between
the bullet and the phoenix

the karma line of credit
and the ghost of you
our crosses to bear
I suffer this truce
only because
I don't have the energy to surrender anymore

[x]Just like that.

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle." --- Albert Einstein

Just like that - I'm free.

You know I spent the last 5 months trying to find the right combination of words/actions to unlock her heart. Nothing worked. The war was fought and completely devastated me. I have never put so much effort into a situation to try and make it work before. Everything I wrote for her, everything I did... Nothing so much as made a scratch. She would be the first to tell you that it didn't, either.

Some of the best poetry I have ever written was for her.

I was imprisoned by my frustration, and it turns out she just unlocked the door for me to escape loving her.

She posted that quote on facebook and it finally hit me. I'm the one that believe in miracles. I'm the one who believes in something greater than myself.

She is, was, and always will be the anti-scorpio.

[x]This has got to die, this has got to stop.

Relevant - "Elephant" by Damien Rice (O)

What's the point of this song? Or even singing?
You've already gone, why am I clinging?
Well I could throw it out, and I could live without
And I could do it all for you
I could be strong
Tell me if you want me to lie
'Cause this has got to die

This has got to stop
This has got to lie down, down
With someone else on top

You can both keep me pinned
'Cause it's easier to tease
But you can't make me happy
Quite as good as me

[x]Sometimes I wish I could turn my heart/brain off.

we lay together
in this bed we've made
both for the same warmth and comfort
but under different blankets
you are all wrapped up in the present
while I surround myself in the future
my heart and hands now unsteady
as I try to find you somewhere in between

i cannot sleep again
this bed is barren without you in it
this house is empty
every time i return and you are not here
merely a convenience
to live in a place
that is never home without you

the absolute torture
of being left to wonder
i try to possess my siren
while she will not be caught
even though we both see the rocks now
i press on
hoping with my entire heart
that at some point this will give her pause

we come from different places
and i know you are trying
trying to speak my language
with my ego i like to think myself exempt
though you are away too much now
and you may not realize
that i am trying to relax and accept
but i can only blame myself
was i that fleeting?

i long for your lips
to kiss me, to speak to me
for your eyes to look at me
the way they used to
maybe this fairy tale is over
and we are just
going through the motions
i just can't seem to let go
of what we used to be

i am only myself without you
while together we seem to be much more
and could be greater still
i bide my time
while my heart allows me to hang on
you're slipping away
if you haven't already
as we fall into routine
away from what was
and away from what could be

just being around you
is like a drug
an addiction
that leads to withdrawal
that high
replaced with loneliness and doubt and pain
i go from special to mundane
if i make you happy
then why are you gone?

[x]Changes.

when you are gone
you always feel further away
than you really are
take my heart with you when you go
i don't want to feel anything
when you leave me alone
without you