[x]un/moving
As you may or may not know (not really sure if there is a "you" out there anymore) - I moved home a few weeks ago. Yeah, yeah... I know...My work/crew situation just became too much to bear and I had to get out of Royal Oak. Given that this was sudden decision, it didn't really allow me enough time to line up somewhere else to live. So - home > homeless.
It sucks. It sucks because my heart wasn't in this move... and it showed. Been home 3 weeks and I *just yesterday* sorted my dvds. Geeky as that sounds - it's just not me. Really I have been at home staring at the walls, and just now am wrapping up unpacking.
I love having my family around. Logan and Ariel will jump on me and wake me up - David is rolling all over the place. Hearing Logan describe school is just fascinating. I mean it was just yesterday that I was in the hospital, holding all of them... and here they are now.
Yet, still all of this feels distant - and it's not fair to anyone.
Physically I am here. Emotionally, however - I am devoid and detached. I feel as though I have given up on myself when everyone else will not. The fight is gone in me and I don't really know how to make everyone understand that.
In the middle of all of this I received a phone call from my friend Mike. Then the suggested move to Florida. More on that later...
Eloquent as I am I cannot express how dark these days are in my heart. There is no hope left for me here in this state. I feel like my soul moved somewhere else, a very long time ago. I feel like it's waiting for me
It's so easy to get on your soapbox and say "what about your family" when you are married, have children...have a life. It's so easy to tell me to make it work, to overcome... when you have something to wake up to in the morning... Someone to wake up next to. So easy to be so accomplished and point down at me and say "why couldn't you do it?"
You know what I wake up to? I wake up to graveyard, every single day for as long as I can remember. Not to discount my family in anyway - that's not what I am talking about. I wake up to a graveyard of missed opportunities, mistakes, and a complete misuse of potential. I suffer the landmarks every single day. Say whatever you will but understand that I am even harsher on myself. I know, have known all my life that somewhere in me there is greatness. Just not here, anymore. I spent so much of my life hiding, and fighting this depression. For the record I think I won (jury is still out on that) but now I live with the destruction I have wrought in doing so.
The ghosts are still there, and I sometimes welcome it. Because every once in a while they let me remember what it was like to feel something.
Somewhere along the line I just gave up. If I stay here I am clueless as to what my next move is... I am alone, I hate my fucking job, and everything I have still isn't good enough. Because this isn't me. This me is pathetic. It's time to leave. I know you love me but if you really care then let me try to become who I was meant to end up. I am not a passive person, yet I feel docile and subdued. Caged really. For fuck's sake I'm a scorpio.
I am nothing without passion. I'm just a robot. Do you want me to be a robot?
This whole proposed move thing is drastic, yes it is. But nothing has lit a spark in me like the idea of truly starting over. But you know what? I want to be the guy that makes it work. I want to be the guy that seizes an opportunity instead of squandering it, or hiding from it. I want to be the guy that makes a complete u-turn and finally grabs life by the throat. Who takes care of himself in all facets of life.
Really, that guy is my hero. I would really like my story to go on with adventures and romance and intrigue. Suspense even. Tell me you wouldn't jump at the chance, in my situation - to the let story go on. There's just nothing left for me here, and I want my soul back. There's just no happy ending in sight anymore...
I have been waiting for my leap of faith... just let me jump.
