[x]Feels a lot like sorrow...

Relevant - "Happiness" by The Fray



Happiness damn near destroys you
Breaks your faith to pieces on the floor
So you tell yourself, that’s enough for now
Happiness has a violent roar

[x]Fire.

Here goes nothing...

your words should hurt
but your eyes that wound me the most
they betray you
every time you look at me
and so do your lips
when they say two different things
and here i stand
defeated by you yet again

the colors you bring
to my otherwise mundane hours
i'll keep my promise
and love them instead
as long as it takes
as long as we're comfortable
you, my muse
and i, your clay

you expose every weakness in me
without even trying
i look down
and all of my armor is gone
i used to be so proud of it -
in your presence i cannot help but yield
when you intoxicate me so

fierce, though delicate in our actions
our present
sullied by their pasts
every kiss laced in caution
and i'm just not sure
whether you're more dangerous
when you're here with me
or when you're gone

these touches
all of the contact met with a pause
as if we absent-mindedly
fight for every extra second of contact
all of this hesitation
and i wonder
if when i'm gone you can still feel my fingertips upon you
as i can still feel your hair on my face...


###############################################

you do your worst
not even on purpose
leaving me to wonder
all of my affections absorbed
how it kills me
to have every thought, every feeling of mine
another leap of faith

i'm sorry this all falls short
of what i'm trying to say
i'll bleed myself dry if i have to
to find the words
because i can't take it
when my muse
seems incapable of blushing
how do i make you feel beautiful?

what do you see
when you look at me like that?
i would give anything to know
what you are thinking
what's behind those eyes right now
because i try to show you where i am
and you leave me so very lost

am i affecting you right this second
as you read this?
are you breathing
or holding your breath?
this is my torture
not being able to feel the words enter you
and where they go from there...

your control
mixed with my restraint
tears me apart
do what you want with me
it's what i want
all i can do is yield
if you won't show me where you are hidden

just for a moment in this crowd
we are alone
our gaze locked
and you're so close
that i can't even breathe
i close my eyes
the world goes away
and when i finally open them-
it takes everything i have not to kiss you...
everything.

[x]Lie to me, angel.

Relevant - "The planets bend between us" by Snow Patrol (A Hundred Million Suns)

You slip into my arms
and you quickly correct yourself...

My favorite line in the SIN CITY books is in "Family Values", page 39.

...Lie to me, Angel.

...

my assumptions mirrored
I can't stop myself
when we are both in the dark
never knowing the how
yet certain as to the why

[x]Beautiful women.

I don't know what happened.

This last week has brought a surge of inspiration into my life. I am so overloaded with things to say that none of it is coming out coherently. It's just spilling over.

I'm not in love with any particular one of them, yet I'm in love with all of them. It had to be an issue with allowing myself to let them inspire me. I guess I spent a bit of time hiding under the radar, and now I have turned a corner.

My roots have started to take hold. I matter to people now down here, and they matter to me.

I'm over Jessica. I don't love her anymore, nor is that "Last person I loved" vestige hanging over my head like a cloud. That negative energy is gone from my life, permanently. For a while there I was extremely lonely. I think that was because I was spending too much time alone.

Yet I have all of these wonderful women around. Beautiful, interesting, and positive people. I have opened myself up to them, friendship and otherwise. I have them around me every day, and my eyes have been opened to appreciating it finally.

I have them, but they are not MINE.

Now I realize that you don't choose your muse(s), they choose you. That's comforting. They are all so... different, yet each of them appeals to some aspect of my personality, light and dark.

I just wish I could sleep with all of this buzzing in my head.

So, women of my life - thank you.

[x]villain am i not.

my fingers drift aimlessly over her
my mind wandering much the same
and i cannot sleep
when i try to pinpoint
how we are so much more
than the sum of our broken parts

[x]Happy Single Person Awareness Day!

Relevant - "The Perfect Ending" by Straylight Run

So if you made it,
Just be glad that you did and stay there,
If you ever feel loved or needed,
Remember that you're one of the lucky ones,
And if it's over,
Just remember what I told you,
It was bound to happen so just...
Keep moving on,
There are no perfect endings.



Well, we skipped a year last year (technically) but I am back in the vast lonely ocean of single life. At least I am lucky enough to be surrounded by such beautiful girls.

Woooooooooooooooooooooo!

[x]Immolation.

the tension pains us so
to suffer certainty
the air thick with anticipation
we devour, we consume eachother
the wanting
justified in how wrong we are
scorching the world
until all of the oxygen is burned away
just for one moment in our pocket reality
we are eternal

[x]Synopsis.

the sadness
makes her even more beautiful
if that was even possible
yet she wears it with such grace
so much so
that it intimidates me

she curls up to me
when the night is over
to hug and say goodbye
i hold you in my arms
and it kills me
to realize how perfectly you fit in them

she look in my eyes
and in that moment
i don't know what it is about you
i just know i'm in love
because of the pain i feel
when not betraying your trust

[x]Favorite Songs #1-5.

Well, this is it. These are my absolute favorite songs. I am really bummed about not finding a video for #3 though.

1. "3 libras" by A perfect Circle
I cannot listen to this song without getting goosebumps. When I was a mess, this song really helped me.

You don't see me at all...

2. "Dirty Epic" by Underworld
This song is party of my history. We would drive around, listening to this tape - and she would listen to me sing it in a low voice. We were reckless and in love.

and the light blinds my eyes. and i feel dirty.
and the light blinds my eyes. and i feel...so...shaken in my faith.

3. "Love to Sleep" by She Wants Revenge
It's funny how a song can capture a snapshot in time. It fits her perfectly and what we were perfectly. I kissed, her, but it wasn't love.
(Well apparently I cannot find a youtube or mtv video because this was an unreleased B-side. Please visit my profile at http://www.myspace.com/thedeadpixel and listen to my play list. Right now it is the default song, but will be listed there as long it is available. Lame.)
If it's really such a bad thing,
Then whys it feel so right.

4. "Perfect Blue Buildings" by Counting Crows
I fell in love with the Counting Crows during the summer institute at Easter Michigan in 1994. I can't believe it's been 15 years. I could always relate to Adam Duritz and his writing style.

I got bones beneath my skin, and mister...
There's a skeleton in every man's house
Beneath the dust and love and sweat that hangs on everybody
There's a dead man trying to get out
Please help me stay awake, I'm falling...

5. "Knife Party" by Deftones
This song was a catalyst for the sudden realization of what relationships really are.

So go get your knife
And come in
So go get your knife
And lay down
So go get your knife now kiss me

[x]Favorite Songs #6-10.

Now that I am in my top 10 songs, I would really like to post a description of what they mean to me...

6. "Toxic Angel" by Joseph Arthur
I first heard Joseph Arthur on the 1 year anniversary of 9/11. On 89x they played "In The Sun" which really hit me (wonderful song), and this is my favorite song of his. Joseph Arthur's music forever changed me, restoring much of the compassion in me that I feared was gone forever.

So strange
Like the one who saved you
Is the one you say you'll blame
Could you follow me down
With a love like yours
I don't know if i'm able
To keep my feet on the ground
With a mind like mine you know it's never stable.

7. "Barbarella" by Scott Weiland
Scott Weiland has always been one of my favorite singers, and I have always been a huge fan of Stone Temple Pilots. The way he takes all of the ugly things he's dealt with and make them beautiful, it's amazing.

Scott Weiland - New Music - More Music Videos

Barbarella
Come and save me from my misery
Can't you see it's a disease
Shoot the bad guys
and I'll gladly sing a tune for you
Lost in space- we could be free


8. "Fake Plastic Trees" by Radiohead
This song still affects me every time I hear it. I have had so many "She looks like the real thing" moments in my life, though none have yet to pan out.

She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love
But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run
and it wears me out
it wears me out
it wears me out
it wears me out

9. "Lost!" by Coldplay
This is probably one of the best pick-me-up songs ever. This is one of the newer songs on the list, and it helped me when I was wavering down here.

Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I'm across
Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserved
No better and no worse
I just got lost!

10. "Bittersweet Symphony" by The Verve
If my life were a movie, this would probably play in the closing credits. The refrain on the beginning of the album version is surreal, though I could not find a good video that reflects it.

Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now