[x]villain am i not.

my fingers drift aimlessly over her
my mind wandering much the same
and i cannot sleep
when i try to pinpoint
how we are so much more
than the sum of our broken parts

[x]Happy Single Person Awareness Day!

Relevant - "The Perfect Ending" by Straylight Run

So if you made it,
Just be glad that you did and stay there,
If you ever feel loved or needed,
Remember that you're one of the lucky ones,
And if it's over,
Just remember what I told you,
It was bound to happen so just...
Keep moving on,
There are no perfect endings.



Well, we skipped a year last year (technically) but I am back in the vast lonely ocean of single life. At least I am lucky enough to be surrounded by such beautiful girls.

Woooooooooooooooooooooo!

[x]Immolation.

the tension pains us so
to suffer certainty
the air thick with anticipation
we devour, we consume eachother
the wanting
justified in how wrong we are
scorching the world
until all of the oxygen is burned away
just for one moment in our pocket reality
we are eternal

[x]Synopsis.

the sadness
makes her even more beautiful
if that was even possible
yet she wears it with such grace
so much so
that it intimidates me

she curls up to me
when the night is over
to hug and say goodbye
i hold you in my arms
and it kills me
to realize how perfectly you fit in them

she look in my eyes
and in that moment
i don't know what it is about you
i just know i'm in love
because of the pain i feel
when not betraying your trust

[x]Favorite Songs #1-5.

Well, this is it. These are my absolute favorite songs. I am really bummed about not finding a video for #3 though.

1. "3 libras" by A perfect Circle
I cannot listen to this song without getting goosebumps. When I was a mess, this song really helped me.

You don't see me at all...

2. "Dirty Epic" by Underworld
This song is party of my history. We would drive around, listening to this tape - and she would listen to me sing it in a low voice. We were reckless and in love.

and the light blinds my eyes. and i feel dirty.
and the light blinds my eyes. and i feel...so...shaken in my faith.

3. "Love to Sleep" by She Wants Revenge
It's funny how a song can capture a snapshot in time. It fits her perfectly and what we were perfectly. I kissed, her, but it wasn't love.
(Well apparently I cannot find a youtube or mtv video because this was an unreleased B-side. Please visit my profile at http://www.myspace.com/thedeadpixel and listen to my play list. Right now it is the default song, but will be listed there as long it is available. Lame.)
If it's really such a bad thing,
Then whys it feel so right.

4. "Perfect Blue Buildings" by Counting Crows
I fell in love with the Counting Crows during the summer institute at Easter Michigan in 1994. I can't believe it's been 15 years. I could always relate to Adam Duritz and his writing style.

I got bones beneath my skin, and mister...
There's a skeleton in every man's house
Beneath the dust and love and sweat that hangs on everybody
There's a dead man trying to get out
Please help me stay awake, I'm falling...

5. "Knife Party" by Deftones
This song was a catalyst for the sudden realization of what relationships really are.

So go get your knife
And come in
So go get your knife
And lay down
So go get your knife now kiss me

[x]Favorite Songs #6-10.

Now that I am in my top 10 songs, I would really like to post a description of what they mean to me...

6. "Toxic Angel" by Joseph Arthur
I first heard Joseph Arthur on the 1 year anniversary of 9/11. On 89x they played "In The Sun" which really hit me (wonderful song), and this is my favorite song of his. Joseph Arthur's music forever changed me, restoring much of the compassion in me that I feared was gone forever.

So strange
Like the one who saved you
Is the one you say you'll blame
Could you follow me down
With a love like yours
I don't know if i'm able
To keep my feet on the ground
With a mind like mine you know it's never stable.

7. "Barbarella" by Scott Weiland
Scott Weiland has always been one of my favorite singers, and I have always been a huge fan of Stone Temple Pilots. The way he takes all of the ugly things he's dealt with and make them beautiful, it's amazing.

Scott Weiland - New Music - More Music Videos

Barbarella
Come and save me from my misery
Can't you see it's a disease
Shoot the bad guys
and I'll gladly sing a tune for you
Lost in space- we could be free


8. "Fake Plastic Trees" by Radiohead
This song still affects me every time I hear it. I have had so many "She looks like the real thing" moments in my life, though none have yet to pan out.

She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love
But I can't help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run
and it wears me out
it wears me out
it wears me out
it wears me out

9. "Lost!" by Coldplay
This is probably one of the best pick-me-up songs ever. This is one of the newer songs on the list, and it helped me when I was wavering down here.

Just because I'm losing
Doesn't mean I'm lost
Doesn't mean I'll stop
Doesn't mean I'm across
Just because I'm hurting
Doesn't mean I'm hurt
Doesn't mean I didn't get what I deserved
No better and no worse
I just got lost!

10. "Bittersweet Symphony" by The Verve
If my life were a movie, this would probably play in the closing credits. The refrain on the beginning of the album version is surreal, though I could not find a good video that reflects it.

Well I never pray
But tonight I'm on my knees yeah
I need to hear some sounds that recognize the pain in me, yeah
I let the melody shine, let it cleanse my mind, I feel free now
But the airways are clean and there's nobody singing to me now

[x]Favorite Songs #11-15.

11. "Tonight, Tonight" by The Smashing Pumpkins

We'll crucify the insincere tonight
We'll make things right, we'll feel it all tonight
We'll find a way to offer up the night tonight
The indescribable moments of your life tonight
The impossible is possible tonight
Believe in me as I believe in you, tonight

12. "Run" by Snow Patrol

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

13. "Standing outside a broken telephone booth with money in my hand" by Primitive Radio Gods

I've been downhearted baby,
Ever since the day we met

14. "Time is running out" by Muse

You will be the death of me
Yeah, you will be the death of me

15. "Hurt" by Nine Inch Nails (Also as performed by Johnny Cash)


what have i become?
my sweetest friend
everyone i know
goes away in the end

[x]Favorite songs #16-20.

Music has always been a huge part of who I am. My interests are all over the place as far as genres go. I want you to listen to these, because I think it will give you a better picture of who I am. Here are my favorite songs, #16-20. I will be posting the others in the future.

16. "Obstacle 1" by Interpol

It's in the way that she walks,
her heaven is never enough

17. "I hate it too" by Hum

And she don't hold me right,
she's never going to get me there.

18. "A stroke of luck" by Garbage


You say that you'll be there to catch me
Or will you only try to trap me
These are the rules I make

19. "Grey room" by Damien Rice

Well I've been here before
Sat on a floor in a grey grey mood
Where I stay up all night
And all that I write is a grey grey tune

20. "Alien" by Bush


And she comes to take me away
She's all that I needed
I don't breathe another lover

[x]Do you know the way that I can't lose?

Relevant - "Tear" by The Smashing Pumpkins (Ava Adore)



Tear me apart
Tear me apart from you
Where is your heart?
Where has your heart run to?

If I have one regret, it was never kissing you in the field that night...

[x] The Spoils...

Relevant - "Normal like you" by Everclear (So much for the afterglow)



Tell me why you want to be blind
I don't want to be normal like you
I know now every day
I get closer to the place inside
Where I can be complacent
Yes I get closer to the place inside
Where I can be sedated*

*This is the best video I could find for this song.

Lately I have rediscovered Everclear, a band I was really into in the 90's (wow, depressing to even say that). I had their first two major albums on repeat for my recent stint back in World of Warcraft. I have since then walked away after I did all of the new quests for the expansion. I would really like to play with some of my friends but our schedules don't really match up. That, and I just can't sink in the time required for endgame raiding. Ah well, it was good while it lasted.

Things are going somewhat well. My job is going really well...

I wrote something for the first time in a while.

I like to think
we haunt eachother
now that we're both gone
my name still on your lips
as your name left on mine