[x]mirrors.
when the time goes by
i can no longer hate them for who they were
but for the mirrors they held
and my reflection in them
my loathing shifted to who i was
when i didn't care to escape
when i was too weak to walk away
and how naive i was
thinking it was strength that made me stay
it takes getting older, and colder
to realize now know that the reverse is true
they simply are who they are
so who is at fault
for indulging such questionable character?
yet i look at my reflection
and can see the darkness and void within
there is a huge hole in me
where everyone i have ever loved used to be
and i almost miss the pain

[x]neutral life.

i seek atonement from the fates
in vain attempt to save me from this neutral life
i have plotted and schemed with these words
every single one, weighed and measured
all the while simultaneously seeking salvation as well as sin
this is the grey path i have walked
as i have tried to have it both ways
looking for some kind of path, some kind of light
afraid this will go on forever if unbalanced
if anything, i wasn't designed to be alone
all of my karma cancelling itself out
with all these things that i've done
i have been given voice
but no cause to apply it,
no purpose save merely existing
a mindless automaton, going through the motions
my biggest downfall is the inability to compromise
yet failing to reconcile
the coldness of my logic
with the heat of my passions
nothing matters if i am bereft of love
to show me the value of everything i have
but until that day
i will just sit here with the habit of dividing by zero
and sounding like a broken record

[x]what was my shadow.

i met what was my shadow
when she plucked me from the plenty of fish in the sea
the moment i made her smile
i couldn't wait to see her again
and when she left for the night
she stayed with me just the same
and i swear the next day, my head was in the clouds
or at least a little closer
every step i took felt like it was an inch off the ground
until i finally saw her again
and then all i could do was spell the word smitten for her
and you know what?
she guessed it too
she was right there with me...
and for a split second i found a rare balance
and all was right in the world
my present included somewhat of a bright future
like the sun had finally come out
yet when it did
my shadow was gone

[x]Year In Review 2011

All these things that I've done...

Hi!

It's been a while since I've actually posted a non-poem entry. Actually, it's been a year since my last YIR.

Much has changed. New job, new car, new game, new computer, new DOG (More on that later)...

THE WOMEN

On the relationship front, a good amount happened this year.

Other than continuing my policy of not dealing with girls that start with an "Alice" sound in their name (They are the devil) - it served me pretty well in 2011.

When we last left off in 2010, I was in love with a girl named Julie, and was planning on moving back to MI to be with her (And everyone else) in March. Well, we broke up at the beginning of February. The strain of a long distance relationship just took it's toll, and I am sure depending on who you ask we might have conflicting stories about what happened. Needless to say I think we were in different places (In more ways than one) and she's moved on to another relationship. I hope she's happy and that this person values her. I do miss her. At this point we hardly speak.

My ex Jessica also came back into my life for a short span. We had been talking on the phone for a while after not speaking for a good amount of time. She was going through a rough patch and I was trying to be a friend, and I like to think that I was helping her out. When I went home to Michigan in May we were able to spend some time together. I would be lying if I said this contact didn't rekindle some feelings for her, but it was all for naught. Eventually talks broke off, and the last I heard from her in July was that she was dating someone and in a "Christian Relationship" - whatever the hell that is. So, good luck with that too.

Other than that, Michelle and I have hung out a few times over the past few months. We went to the dog park, HHN, and then dinner one night. It was never under the premise of dating again, we were just trying to hang out as friends. Personally, I think we hit it off pretty well this time around. She's one of the few purely benevolent and well-meaning people that I know, and I saw something in her that I didn't necessarily see the first time we were dating and lived together. It's hard to look back on that time period in retrospect, because I was a complete mess. I was just destroyed and I think it's ridiculous to expect her to pick up the pieces. At that time, I had no business dating anyone. I did love her, but something in me couldn't quite turn the corner with it - it just felt like it was there but far away at the same time. It was there for us, but it was something that I had to grow into, or maybe heal enough into. I mean, two girls both banging other dudes when dating them (In a row, see the "Alice" comment above) - I guess it's a tall order for anyone to overcome anyway. I recall the time we lived together fondly, but sadly it just wasn't meant to be.

I will admit, after we had dinner one night, I was pretty shocked to see her FB status update to "In a relationship". Like I said, I didn't really have an ulterior motive for hanging out with her, but I have to confess it did sting a bit. Okay a lot. Funny thing is I always imagined certain people in my past would feel the same sting if they found out I was with someone and happy.

So, I start 2012 single yet again. Sweet. I would like to think that a 33 year old with a steady job, a car, reasonably good looking, articulate, disease-free, etc. would be in demand, but apparently not. I refuse to settle. More on that in the future.

ART

So, with all that said. Creatively I am devoid right now. There is no poetry in my brain, and I haven't written anything in a long time. I don't even have any scraps to work with. It's pretty bad when you are using the LACK OF INSPIRATION as INSPIRATION, and now even that well has gone dry. I miss going to my poetry meetings, which I haven't been able to attend...

I plan on going back to actually WRITING for this page and will hopefully get around to fixing it. So, we'll see.

WORK

Barnes and Noble decided to outsource ALL of their digital support overseas. Soon after I agreed to transfer to Napster for support, but had already been hired at my new job...

I work for -C o m c a s t- now doing tech support, and I work 3:30pm until 12:00am midnight, every day but Thursdays and Sundays. Basically I work in a call center. I like my job and personally I think I am good at it, but not in the way that they want me to be. In that regard I'm actually not very good at my job, and I have the impression that I suck at it. Some people get into a flow and they can meet all the metrics and stats the company requires. I just like helping people. My specialty would be helping the 90 year-old grandma program her remote for her TV. All of my quality and surveys are great (People love me) - but I find it almost impossible to:

1. Look up someone's account
2. Listen to their issue
3. Attempt to fix their issue
4. Wait for box/modem/router/computer to reset and see if the problem is fixed
5. Answer any additional questions
6. Attempt to sell them something
7. Leave notes to document the call

... all in 9 minutes and 28 seconds - 6.5 "Calls per productive hour" - To be honest that is pretty fucking ridiculous. Yet there are people who do this on a consistent basis. Many of the metrics are really luck of the draw when you break them down (First all resolution, customer surveys, etc) - The system is designed to make people fail, and it has made me loath to continue working in a call center. Sometimes the only thing you do wrong is answer the phone. I am trying to transfer to another part of the company (I love the company, just not the call center) - I love helping people, but that is not what the company wants from me. They want me to get them off the phone as fast as possible. So, one way or another this will be my last call center. I am hoping to get a better schedule (Days) come March, and if I do not, well I may need to re-examine what I am attempting to do with this place. I have checked the job postings but there isn't much around here in Orlando.

HEALTH

At one point, I had lost 30+ lbs this year. Most of that is still gone, but I have gained some back over the holidays (Sad face) - I got really sick at one point and I had to up my caloric intake. This year should be better once my diet gets back to normal.

HOME

On the home front, I moved twice this year. Out of the apartment in Orlando near Universal to Apopka, then back to Orlando. I live there for a few months, and it ended up being too stressful (Pot smoke and domestic disputes aren't for everyone) and too far away (1 hour commute one way) to my job. I moved back to Orlando in August. Apopka was in the absolute middle of nowhere. I like where I live now.

CODY

I got Cody from someone on Craigslist in February. I knew that I was going to be moving out the apartment and that Michelle would be taking her dog Chewy with her - I had grown pretty attached to him so I needed one of my own. Best $40 (Rehoming fee) that I ever spent.

It wouldn't be a stretch to say I wouldn't have made it without him. He's been the glue holding me together this year. I love him so much, he's such a good dog.

2012

Well, I think last year was a transitional year for me. Many things stabilized that had been chaotic before hand. I complain about my job but at least it's a steady paycheck. I really like the company but I have to get out of the call center. It's killing me.

I am really looking forward to the movies in 2012. Should be a great year for film.

RESOLUTIONS 2012

1. Get some kind of direction. Any nudge would be great.
2. Get healthier, I laid the groundwork for losing more weight and feeling better overall. I need to cut down on the Red Vines :)
3. Figure this job thing out. Get out of a call center - somehow, someway.
4. Find someone. There is only really one girl that I know right now that I would date (yes, you) - but I might need to meet someone else who I don't know yet.
5. Let things go. I need to let many loose plot threads in my life go.

[x]the villains sleep tonight, but never sleep alone.

it was all part of the plan
keeping the lines of communication open
to see my success their failure
to see my rise their fall
and here i am
suffering the reverse
this was the hurt that was meant for them
all of the villains sleep tonight
wrapped up in the blanket of their justifications
and yet never sleeping alone
i struggle with the lack of poetic justice
but it drives me just the same
when everything i write just attemps to make sense of it all
but can't seem to make it add up
this carrot on a stick denial
how it even possible to lament
something that isn't even real
what never was, what isn't, and what never could've been?
their happiness
and whether benevolent or malevolent
puts a magnifying glass on my loneliness
to the point of where
i'm my own worst critic exponentially
with nothing better to do than
to self analyze and overthink
something that should be so simple
simply leaves my soul a mess of blackbirds
trying to find their way out of the dark

[x]Prettier with the wounds.

playing russian roullette
until all of the love is gone
i've dodged all of the bullets
and maybe that's the problem
when i was a good boy
those bad girls ran right over me
when i was a bad boy
i let the good girls walk right on out of my life
now my soul is covered in tire tracks
and i long for the good girls who i let go
because it was never good enough
looking past what was already shiny
to something shinier still
left to my own devices
i keep everyone at an arm's length
never letting anyone get too close
or fully slip away
without distraction
there is only my reflection
and in the mirror i can see that even though i've healed
there's a part of me that almost misses the pain
uncomfortably numb
i felt prettier with the wounds
than i do with the scars

[x]the sun orbiting her earth.

she came and i went
and just for a split second
i was the sun orbiting her earth again
thrice shiny
trying to catch her was like collecting all of the lights
as they reflect from a disco ball
while doing this dance again and again
she became an adage
like a fish in the sea
and i had to stop
as her walls went up higher and higher
faster than i could overcome them
up and up she goes allegedly
and from her point of view
i may be retreating
but the truth is i'm simply standing still
and just too exhausted to love you anymore

[x]Shadow.

my shadow is longest before the dusk
these days i'm chasing the sun
it's lonely in my pursuit
when i no longer take my shadow for granted
we're shackled together at the ankle after all
and when the days are hard
i can almost feel the pull, the resistance
i look back as if to say
"I know you're still there"
and when I wave it waves back at me in unison
hard to get a read on it's blank face
but from it's posture it just seems smug regardless
always eager and willing....
ready to switch places again

[x]So Devised.

she tells she wonders what if
when she knows i'm thinking why not...
neither of would ever deny it's there
or always have been
she was the one who came for me
but i was the one who struck the match
and just like that
we slept in it's fire
since she went away i've been left burning
ablaze in these idle moments
and all of the spaces in between sleep and dream
whenever i let this memory swim
the one that doesn't seem to want to fade
i struggle to define what it is about her
yet knowing exactly what it is at the same time
this attraction based solely upon
the only sadness of my emancipation
it was in this grey area
i was finally so devised
that i started to take what i wanted
both her and everything else since
in her non malicious fashion she toys with me
and i am forever content being her plaything
as i lay in wait and want
for another proof of my elusive deity

[x]Seasonal Unaffective Disorder.

in quiet moments i can close my eyes
and be standing in the snow
i can open them and see my breath before me
and feel the cold on my face
in the visions there is no sound
until the 85 and partly cloudy snaps me out of it
this seems to be the opposite
of season affective disorder
because the unexceptional weather leaves me unaffected
every day is almost exactly the same
at the very least in the sunshine
i can't feel myself dying anymore like i used to
i just can't feel myself living either
yet every once in a while
we get those rare grey days
every time it's overcast it's like god's trying to relate
and i like to think that maybe i did this
and i'll stand in the rain like an idiot
when there's nothing but sunshine
it's easy to get homesick in the contrast