[x]sailing blind

Relevant - "Sleep, don't weep" by Damien Rice (9)

Sleep, don't weep, my sweet love
Your face is all wet 'cause our days were rough
So do what you must do to fill that hole
Wear another shoe to comfort the soul
Those times that I was broke, and you stood strong
I think I found a place where I feel I will...
It's starting to set in a bit.

I would be lying if I said I didn't miss her. What I am not sure of, is how lost I am, if at all.

For the first time living down here I have doubt as to if this is the right place for me. Every day since I have moved to Florida I have been able to wake up and feel like my life was going somewhere, albeit slowly. I mean happiness for the sake of happiness is progress, right?

The thing is, when I made the decision to move I had nothing and no one save family/friends. I was miserable. I hated my job, my life, and myself.

When I made the decision to move, I became a different person. I was happier, driven to make this all work. I became more confident and comfortable in my own skin. Being positive and having finite time left in Michigan just did wonders for me. This manifested itself as getting back with Jessica. Because I knew I was a better person this time around than the first time we were together.

She was there and I will admit when I was there I was looking past her a bit. I remember at one point I looked at her and said "Don't fall in love with me." but looking back at it maybe I was telling myself that as well. As much as I tried to keep her at an arm's length, the more I kept her at bay from my heart - I did in fact fall in love with her.

Which did nothing but reaffirm my decision to leave. She became a part of that plan. Everything that was about ME all of a sudden became about US.

Such is the situations I get myself into. There is some small part of me that feels like making a longshot work would just pay off so much more. This is why I find myself in long distance relationships, bad situations, etc. I don't know what happened to make me feel like I have to make up for something in the past, but it's these moments of clarity that frustrate me the most.

She's gone, and now I am sailing without a heading. I spent so much time believing in the both of us that I really didn't spend time planning to do this on my own. Does this make any sense?

I mean, I'm down here and I'm poor but other than that I can't complain much. The weather is nice, I love my job, I have friends. I am even attracted to a few girls...

At this juncture I am completely neutral about moving though. I mean the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, however that doesn't stop you from looking back over - just to make sure.

I guess I'm just in a rut, which happens from time to time. I know that a few months from now things are going to straighten themselves out, there is no cause for panic. In this lull though - I just don't feel like doing much.

[x]in case you were wondering how I have been sleeping.

Relevant - "Goodbye Lover" by James Blunt

Goodbye my lover.
Goodbye my friend.

I haven't been able to sleep in the last two weeks. Right now it's 12:42am and I have to get up for work 6 and a half hours. I would be lying if I said I didn't know what's wrong with me... Hopefully soon this will all be corrected and I can get back on a normal schedule.

...

Yesterday I went to the AMC 24 at Downtown Disney to see FORGETTING SARAH MARSHALL. It was just the type of movie I needed to see. It's a good breakup film. Something in me gave way when I left the theater. For the first time since I moved down here, I felt the sunshine on my skin. Really. I look around at the palm trees swaying in the wind...

I live, for all intensive purposes, in paradise. My body is here, but I need to let my heart and soul move here as well.

[x]our naked hearts.

we spend our lives
trying to clothe
trying to cover up and protect
our naked hearts

our faith hemorrages
we are wounded
you didn't just quit on me
you quit on us

what faith can i have
when i gave you all i could
when i sacrificed everything and more
when it still isn't enough?

and i was the fool
to think i could barter
my soul for another
forced upon the offensive
tell me where it hurts
so i can press on the wound

the cry is louder than ever
although i saddens me
to know the echo
will be lost in the distance

i can't face the day
unless i dress myself in the mar of tragedy
because that betrayal
has become what i am

i wish i could give you all of me
but i cannot
i can give you what they let me keep
for myself
and i'm sorry.

this was the mistake i knew i was making
even as i was saying those words
i know you could see right through them all
which made it even worse

better to leave a graveyard behind you
then be buried in someone else's
when they leave
you behind

[x]it's the numbness that stings the most.

Relevant - "king of the pavement" by Joseph Arthur

It's good to be king, king of the pavement...

Jessica and I have broken up and this time I think it is permanent.

I'm not really sad though. I think I am more in shock than anything, as in most post-relationship situations where it's just surreal to be without someone. We went out for 6 months (as of yesterday). We had a good run.

What hurts is just some of things she said in the good times, because those things were beautiful and will now never come to pass.

I mean I really gave my all to a long distance relationship, so no one could say I didn't try. I made huge sacrifices to try and endure, both while I was in Michigan and here in Florida. I did everything I could to make this work... and it just didn't. Just wasn't meant to be I suppose.

There is neither of us to blame. Our relationship had boiled down to a series of nothing-fights and quick fixes. This is about a clean break as possible, because we both know, even in this silence that this is for the best.

I don't expect to, nor wish to hear from her again. It's time for me to really begin my life down here. I didn't move down here to look back (although I do at certain things), and I certainly did not move down here to be depressed.

faith and focus
we swapped places in the mirrors reflection
and now that I am on the other side
it comes to me
-there is a difference between quitting
and giving up

[x]Last one out, turn out the light.

Well, after a few months thinking about where I wanted to go with the site... I have decided to close deadpixel.org after 8 *mostly* solid years of updating.

I used the page as a journal and outlet when I needed it and at this point it just seems like filler... So it's time to go into a new direction.

I am not sure how long the site is going to be up at this point because I am switching the hosting over to my new site and project:

WWW.JOHNNYBRONTO.COM (coming soon)

p.s. Thank you to everyone who has come across the site in the past 8 years.

[x]pillars.

Relevant - "Sundays" by Counting Crows (Saturday Night and Sunday Mornings)

...and I don't believe in anything, in anything
and I don't believe in anything, at all...


Inspiration struck me today, which is good because I have needed an outlet.

all of the words in the world
so many different ways to say
only thing i am good at
isn't good enough to make you love me

how can i get by
when every time you leave your hurt me
and every time i wake
i feel like you should be here

suffocated
i know that the farther i am dragged down
into this watery unknown
is the further i will have to make it back up

i keep trying to shut these words out
but they are like
an old friend who needs help
yet, who won't give up on me

we prop each other up on pedestals
we take turns falling
baby, i'll catch you next time i swear
just let me lean on you
for now

our facade of shadows and masks
smiles and sunshine
the trick is
learning to live on the outside
while dying within

hundreds of miles between
we grow closer by the day
even if you don't know it yet
you'll be moving home soon

coming in from the cold
i thought i had saved myself
this warmth makes me even more the numb
when i can't function without my shadow
without the cloud over my head

i wish i could give you my all
the key to my heart
i'm sorry they ruined it for you
some day you'll break down my defenses
or someday i'll come to my senses

we used to wear our hearts
on both of our sleeves
now we have our hearts in
eachother's pockets

days like this
i don't know what to believe
nights like this
i don't believe in anything

even when i am stranded
i know my siren isn't as beautiful as i will always remember her
i'm just hoping
that she remembers that i am not quite the monster
i left her as

even though i've convinced myself
that i'm the only one who can see glimpses
i just wish i could be shown
what i am here for
we are all blind in the eyes of god

[x] spectre of the present.

i know we're beautiful

but we've done some ugly things

and i am sorry to disappoint

we are all

angels

monsters

 

oh lord

i've gone and jumped

the only faith i have left

seems to be your faith in me

 

your dagger in my heart

my dagger in your back

we die

we live the rest of our lives

in this embrace

 

What a difference a day makes...

Electrolytes are what the Matrix craves...

 

So I have been running this site through blogger for over 7 years now.  Just last night did I figure out that I can actually blog from email.  Since I sit at a desk all day I think I can actually keep up on my journal more.

 

So, excuse the mess for formatting. 

 

Anyway, update from my last entry:

 

1.  They waived my overdraft fees for National City and Jessica was nice enough to make a deposit for me.

2.  The bank finally gave me my $200 dollars back.

3.  Jamie and Tom are coming to Disney and bringing the kids!

4.  My 2v2 arena partner (dr00d) and I went our seperate ways, and now I have a Disc. Priest who will get us back to 1850 (one way or another).  When the game because stressful it isn't a game anymore.

 

The money thing was frustrating, but I am trying to feel content for the things I am blessed with, as opposed to the things that I do not have.  I am much happier down here, and I don't even mind going to work so much.  It's the exact opposite of my old job.

 

...

 

I can't wait to see everyone this month.

 

Jessica will be here in about 50 hours.  :)

[x]momma said there'll be days like this, there'll be days like this my momma said.

Relevant - "Walk away" by Joseph Arthur (Could we survive EP)

you want to walk away, from who you are...

What a horrible day capping off an overall crappy last two weeks. Yeah it's not all sunshine and disney world here... at least not lately.

For starters, my stupid credit card that I am paying off took TWO payments instead of one because some jackass hit the "accept payment" button twice, and it's been a fight with both them and my bank to get that back (still hasn't happened). I mean, I wish I could just steal $200 from them and hold onto it until whenever. Really... That's called STEALING. So I have spent hours on the phone talking to these idiots and getting things faxed to banks (first bank they faxed it to had their fax machine broken OF COURSE).

Now my national city bank account is overdrawn and getting charged $8 a DAY in fees because I haven't had any money to just pay it and close the damn account. Oh, this is after charging me a $34 overdraft fee for being overdrawn ONE FUCKING DOLLAR. Right now the total is up to $-60. Argh.

So glad I get paid tomorrow.

On top of that I have been wanting to change my address officially to Florida but the CAR TAGS (they don't even call it a secretary of state or dmv) place wouldn't accept my social security card because it was SLIGHTLY damaged. So that was a good hour of my time wasted there, and then another 3 hours waiting in line at the social security office. At the very least I got that in the mail today.

I would really like to file my taxes too, but the unemployment office in Michigan decided not to send me a w2 form for when I was laid off last year. I had to call them today to send me another form. God knows when that is going to get here. Also I got a letter from them a week ago saying that they overpaid me a check of $362 dollars for the week of Christmas, that I was not qualified even though the year before they pulled the same shit and I did what they told me to do this year. Which is fine... Although I NEVER GOT A CHECK FROM THEM IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Don't even get me started on what happened in WoW today in the arena... I got to this game to be powerful and in control and today made me want to quit it all. Stupid 2v2s.

So after last week having my mom in serious heart surgery and not being there, which makes me still feel horribly guilty - and all this other crap, I will admit I am a bit strung out.

So tonight I saw Jessica on skype and decided to call her. Maybe seeing my girlfriend and talking to her would make me feel better. Nope! Not the case. She basically said the worst thing she could at the worst possible time to cap it all off and now I haven't spoken to her since. She's coming this weekend and now I am starting to stress out about being able to entertain her for 3 days and now I am worried that we aren't going to have a good time.

I talked to Logan and Ariel today, which almost made me cry because I want to see them so bad and they aren't coming to disney world with the rest of the family in mid-March. It's going to break their poor little hearts and now I won't be able to see them until May.

In addition to all that, even though I promised I wouldn't, I have been reflecting on how I left Michigan. The things I left undone and did wrong. It bothers me. Part of me thinks that all of that is finally catching up to me via karma.

Sigh.

You know I wake up here every day and actually look forward to the day. It's all slow progress but it's progress nonetheless. I know I'm not coming back.

I live a somewhat happy, somewhat stress-free life down here. I like my job very much, as opposed to my old one. I know I will be fine but right now it all seems a bit overwhelming.

Yet above all things I am blessed to still have my mom. I prayed for her and still do every night. I would have torn out my own heart for her. Thank you God for keeping her safe because no matter how rough I let my life get she will always support me, regardless of how many times I screw up everything.

[x]Two weeks in...

This is another offline entry. I will not be online again until Thursday.

I have officially been down here two weeks as of 3:30am tomorrow. It began functionally as me crashing over at Mike's apartment, and now finally say this is where I live. With four walls, a bed, and furniture it's beginning to set in.

So here I am. I will admit there was a measure of panic in that first week, because I was restless with so much t free time. One night looking at all my stuff, I almost packed it all up and drove home. Just poof, up and gone in the middle of the night. I was unemployed and lost (literally).

A week later I just completely my first week at my new job, I have a paycheck incoming, and my bearings. It's nothing great, but it's a start. Finanicially it's going to be somewhat rough until June, but I hope I will be okay.

Am I homesick? Yeah. It's really hard if I let myself have a moment to let it sink in. Last week when I saw Logan, Ariel, and David on Chel's webcam I was immediately choked up. I miss everyone horribly. So weird to think of me being such a homebody and now so far away. Jessica and I were a little rough in the beginning, but once the flow of our schedules took over things have gone really well. Right now I'm not online but I still feel connected to my loved ones in Michigan.

Connections. That word has been on my mind these last few days. I look through my phone and more than half the numbers on it are storylines and connections that are now over. The chapter of old coworkers and bosses is over. I still want to talk to Al but for the most part it's all done now. Other numbers are friends who I will see and talk to online, but will not have occasion to contact otherwise. Still, there are some I am unsure of where I stand with them and where to go from here. I'm not going to go and delete them from my phone, because I will still want to contact them someday.

Is all of my unfinished business back there now effectively finished? Somehow my past and the ghosts that haunted me (Sarah, Madonna,etc.) feel like they are truly 1200 miles away. The dead are now not only buried but left far behind - like all of the baggage I couldn't take with me when I came here. Yet I still wonder if the ghost of me haunts people, whether or not they know I am gone. It's a weird feeling.

So much has changed in the past 2 weeks, and the 3 months preceeding. I have cut the parachute loose and now I freefall in this leap of faith. However that feeling of suffocation and dread is gone. It's going to take some hard work, a little luck, and some money but I am going to make a new life here. Still bothers me that I have done the things that I have done in leaving. If I really had it back I would have done it differently, but then again that's what this move is all about. I cannot change where I was, I changed where I am, and where I am going.

There is a sense of abandonment that I am dealing with, leaving you behind like I did, and I wish I could express why I have done the things I have done. I hope as you grow and move on that you can forgive me, as I am not sure I will ever be able to forgive myself.

Regardless, under it all I know you love me. You know why I had to leave. Just know that I am here (there) if you need me. I always will be.

That I love you.

That I miss you, too.