[x]a necessary avalanche.

there's daylight in my fingers
but it's snowing in my bones
been sucking on the echo
of a thousand telephones - and when we meet again, we'll be strangers - "only the lonely" by David Gray

every bit of intimacy
letting your guard down
tearing down the walls
taking off your armor
exposing your shore to a storm
waves that can be buried
but never will rescind

[x]humid.

ashes scattered
within the pyre of the season
you can never be a phoenix
unless a part of you perishes
slash and burn in retreat or advancement
the only way to become
more than i am

[x]the tragedy of never meeting your muse.

If you are going to press play - "The Blower's Daughter" by Damien Rice (album - "O")

and my sighs are italics
when i breathe i can feel it
because all of this silence and solitary is a story
stuck in this moment
shutting my eyes and looking at you
always you as it has always been and always will be
so elusive
i have reached out as far as my heart can feel
faith being the sole difference
between a prologue and an epilogue.

[x]don't look at me like, i am a monster.

and when they leave
the take the colors with them
to leave me alone in grey
once again lost
in familiar territory

in a sigh there is nothing
where once i could close my eyes
and play the trust game
no one to catch me again
we are a mirror shattered
reflective in our broken hearts


if you are going to press play - "Crazy" by Gnarles Barkley

I am at a loss. I'm lost.

[x]ballgag reviews opens!.

After putting my review of the punisher up the other day, I was finally inspired to put into action an project years in the making...

BALLGAG REVIEWS.

So far I have 3 of my friends signed up as writers, and I am looking for more to contribute. This is going to be a site to review and post anything and everything. Should be fun.

Right now it's just kind of thrown together to get the ball rolling, more function over style. Hopefully I can get it cleaned up soon and add more features.

[x]punished.

I just watched the recent PUNISHER movie. I can sum up how I feel about it in one sentence...

The body count was 20.

Normally I wouldn't keep track of such a thing, but towards the end it became REALLY easy. And 20 might be a generous number.

I can buy Thomas Jane as the punisher. I really can. However besides that THIS FUCKING MOVIE WAS A PIECE OF SHIT.

Dolph Lundgren killed more than 20 people in one sitting in the 80s version of THE PUNISHER with Louis Gossett Jr. I remember him gunning down an entire room of samurai. Guns vs. swords - no it wasn't fair and IT ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE FAIR.

For fuck's sake the in the new movie the punisher used a BOW, a fucking BOW! Hey, Wilford Brimley called, he said he left his bow over your house. He said it was the right thing to do and the tasty way to do it.

You know what? Beside being one of the most hardcore character in the Marvel universe, I suppose the title was dead on. Because I feel PUNISHED for watching horrible movie. Hey, marvel execs, way to totally disregard the source material. You know what? MAN ON FIRE is my Punisher movie. They didn't water down anything, and there were no stupid secondary characters. Denzel Washington was sticking bombs up people's asses and cutting fingers off.

Don't get me started on the score, either. It felt really generic and didn't fit at all. I'm pretty sure they ripped it from another movie, too.

He GOT HIS SYMBOL ON A T-SHIRT. You know how they say an infinite amount of monkeys typing on an infinite amount of typewriters would eventually produce Shakespeare? Well I think the producers of this movie just had one monkey chucking feces at the random plot elements on the wall.

GG Marvel.

[x]momentum.

a shame we should use all of that momentum
to make crashing that much harder
but hey
you gave me back my vulnerability
by breaking my heart.

[x]A day under the blankets (in a bad way).

I love the warm air
and the green in the trees
I can breathe in spring
because the world is so beautiful
everything is full of life
Yet the sun is out
and even though i can feel the warmth on my face
I look down at my shadow
and realize I may never escape.

[x]These conversations kill.

If you are going to press play - "Big Empty" by STONE TEMPLE PILOTS
Time to take her home, her dizzy head is conscience laden
time to take a ride, it leaves today, no conversation

Last night Jessica and I broke up. It's not really anyone's business why, so I won't go into the details. This is just something to mark the occasion.

I will say one thing - It's a shame. We had been dating just under two months, and after the way everything went in the beginning... I was completely smitten with her. I think both of our lives, the background static... Just kind of evaporated into some kind of euphoria, and for a while it didn't matter.

In every relationship there is strain. Ours was no exception. Sometimes some of that background static bleeds through. It's unavoidable when you put two people together who have been seriously hurt in the past. A few weeks in it started.

The night of my sister's rehearsal dinner - we had a conversation and I could tell she was struggling with it. The kind of struggle I was having as well within, yet was not yet revealing. I closed my eyes in my truck as I sat there in the parking lot. I wasn't crying but I could feel the tears rolling down my face... As if somewhere far away beyond all the defense mechanisms and numbness it was getting through.

We agreed to see eachother in person afterwards. When I was there, face to face - I looked into her eyes and had one thought -

We are going to fall apart under our own weight.

For lack of details - this is pretty much what happened.

In one of her emails to me lately she used the phrase "Squeezing a year long relationship into two months" - and I agree. Too much, too fast. I think this is the only relationship I have ever been in that hasn't had a one-sided ending. This is just what's best, regardless of how either of us feel. Like I said it's a shame.

She offered to be friends, and I refused. Not being cold - I am just done fighting those hopeless battles. There is no going back... Doing so would do nothing but insult what we had, and just keep the rainclouds over us that much longer when we are both looking for our own ways back into the sunlight.

But, for the record - It does hurt.